Road to WrestleMania: WrestleMania

Technically this one is just “WrestleMania” and it feels weird to call it WrestleMania One. Or WrestleMania Eye.

This one formed most of my rules, because it became pretty clear that I didn’t know the majority of the wrestlers and I really did not care about most of the matches. I figure I’m supposed to know Tito Santana because he kept appearing in numerous other WrestleMania’s, but I’m sorry, I just cannot be buggered. I have 39 WrestleManias to get through and it is clear that I am going to have to skip a lot of matches, so Tito Santana VS the Executioner quickly got skipped. Tito Santana predictably won against his masked and nameless opponent.

The next bout was King Kong Bundy VS Special Delivery Jones. I figured, “I know King Kong Bundy, I might as well let this one play out.” Glanced at my phone and then looked up to find out King Kong Bundy had already won. It was 25 seconds long.

The next match was Ricky Steamboat VS Matt Borne. Now I know what I said about Tito Santana, but I know about Ricky Steamboat and everybody mentions how he had awesome matches, so I made it a point to watch his matches. It was a good match and stood out a bit for the style of the time. Ricky Steamboat would win.

I started watching Brutus Beefcake VS David Samartino, simply because it was the son of Bruno Samartino, the longest reigning title holder of all time, so I figured I would let it go, but quickly got bored and skipped to the end where Bruno Samartino got involved and resulted in a Double DQ.

Junkyard Dog VS Greg Valentine was interesting simply because it was the first match to include any sort of entrance music. Everyone else just came to the ring and was cheered or booed. Junkyard Dog was the first guy to have music playing as he came out. The only other one who would have this was Hulk Hogan. (Edit: Fact checking would later reveal that 5 wrestlers had entrance music, but I honestly only remember Hogan and Junkyard Dog)

The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff took on the US Express for the Tag Team Championship. I honestly skipped this one. Just about all the matches that involved nationalistic characters I just skipped. It all seems like manufactured heat based on foreign characters badmouthing the US and we are supposed to boo them because America is Number 1. Just makes me think of Fire Nation Man from Avatar. I get that is a classic staple of wrestling, but I got 39 of these to get through, so I skipped it. And apparently I skipped it so hard, I didn’t realize The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff WON the damn thing. I took it for granted that the US Express would win.

Next up was Andre the Giant VS Big John Studd in a Career VS $15,000 Body Slam Challenge. Now apparently the bet was that Andre the Giant COULD NOT Body Slam Big John Studd. Which makes no damn sense to me. If anything, I would have bet that the challenge was whether Big John Studd could Body Slam Andre the Giant. In fact, when they announced the match, I thought that was what was happening. Andre the Giant seems like all he does is body slam people. WrestleMania 3 was all about Hulk Hogan Bodyslamming Andre the Giant as the most impressive and never before done thing (except for the time they did it before). Just seems like the most backwards match ever. “Bet the guy named the Giant can’t body slam the guy named simply Big. Oh crap, he did. Who could have seen that coming?”

Next was the Women’s Championship match of Wendi Richter VS Leilani Kai. Also featuring Cyndi Lauper as Wendi’s manager. I did not realize how much Cyndi Lauper was tied into wrestling until I heard about Becky Lynch playing her on Young Rock. She’s even in the Hall of Fame. I only know her for Time After Time. But apparently her star power was enough to put over Wendi Richter and win the Women’s Championship.

At last the match we’ve all been waiting for: Hulk Hogan and Mr. T take on Paul Orndorff and Rowdy Roddy Piper. If you asked me who headlined WrestleMania 1, going in blind, I would have guessed Hulk Hogan VS Andre the Giant. If you had shown me the poster, I would have guessed that Hulk Hogan took on Mr. T. I honestly would never have guessed that it was a Tag Team Match. With nothing on the line except pride. Oh and Muhammad Ali as one of two special guest referees. Hulk and Mr. T won, each recovering from their losses to Rocky in Rocky III.

Overall, it was okay. At the time, it was the biggest thing to hit wrestling and set the stage for an annual event that is driving my current hyperfixation. I have a strong feeling that most of these early ones are just going to be okay, simply due to me not knowing many of the characters and production values not being as high at the time. I think it is a perfectly suitable star studded affair, but I do not see myself revisiting this one year after year.

Next Up: WrestleMania II 2. Really? Would have sworn they would have started with the Roman Numerals.