The Biggest Sequel to the Biggest Event of ALL TIME! So Big that it could not be contained in a single building! That’s right, WrestleMania 2 was held at 3 different Arenas, one in New York, one in Chicago, and one in Los Angeles. Evidently this did not win over the critics, especially those that were in attendance at one of the three shows, because they watched 4 matches in person, then stared at screens for the other 8 matches. I think this might have worked better if they had broken the matches up between the three cities differently. Instead of a four pack of matches, keep rotating between locations so that it gives them time to reset between live matches. However, it seems that the lesson learned was not to split them up, so they didn’t give it another go, and now almost 40 Wrestlemanias in, they probably got their system down.
So I honestly skipped most of this one, and the ones I know I watched, I don’t remember much. I know I watched the Randy Savage and Jake the Snake matches, but don’t remember anything very memorable about them outside of Randy being Randy and Jake bringing out his snake (GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER). The Boxing match between Mr. T and Roddy Piper I just kept skipping ahead until I saw the end, which was DQ via body slam. I bet most of the people watching back in 1986 wish they had the opportunity to skip.
In Chicago, I watched the very brief women’s match between the Fabulous Moolah and Velvet McIntyre. I skipped the Fire Nation Man fight where America won the day this time, and jumped around the Battle Royal which included a bunch of NFL players getting eliminated by Andre the Giant. First Wrestlemania for the Hart Foundation. Skipped through the long tag team match. I don’t care about the British Bulldogs, especially knowing they would move to screw each other over later over name rights.
I once again decided to watch Ricky Steamboat, because it is wrestling history.
And then I got to the next match. On paper, I would have normally skipped it, but then I saw the Adorable Adrian Adonis. This was the gold mine right here. If the rest of WrestleMania is the bathwater to get thrown out, this is the baby you keep. My phone was down and I was riveted to the screen for 3 minutes. This is the match I tell people about. Adrian Adonis is a big guy with blonde curly hair who wears a pink dress and overloaded slapdash makeup. And he was taking on a bigger burlyer guy in overalls. And won in the end. Three cheers for the weird squad!
Before Ricochet, this was the Highlight of the Night.
The Funk brothers defeated Tito Santana and the Junkyard dog in tag team action. I realize these are the groundbreaking teams of the day, but I can’t fake interest in a match I don’t care about. Pioneers are fine and all, but I got so many of these things to go through.
Finally Hulk Hogan took on King Kong Bundy in a Steel Cage Match. Hulk Hogan overcame all the odds and continued his reign as champion. Obviously.
This show gave me the my favorite wrestler of the time Adorable Adrian Adonis. Which I guarantee you I would have probably hated as a kid. Fortunately, I was not born yet, so I had no opinion on the matter. As a fully grown adult shaped entity, I can appreciate them now and absolutely eat them up. If I go back and try and watch more of the 80’s shows, it will very likely be looking for them specifically. The rest was fine, just not a lot for me to get interested in. As I said, I wasn’t bothered by the 3 city format and I get it, but I would have staged the matches differently so it was live, video, video, live, thus allowing for more set up between the matches, get the mats cleaned, what have you. Though I figured out later that if the match before you ended in a bloody mess, you were wrestling in that bloody mess. No changing the ring mat during commercial.
Next up: WrestleMania III, and we FINALLY GET HULK VS ANDRE.
Technically this one is just “WrestleMania” and it feels weird to call it WrestleMania One. Or WrestleMania Eye.
This one formed most of my rules, because it became pretty clear that I didn’t know the majority of the wrestlers and I really did not care about most of the matches. I figure I’m supposed to know Tito Santana because he kept appearing in numerous other WrestleMania’s, but I’m sorry, I just cannot be buggered. I have 39 WrestleManias to get through and it is clear that I am going to have to skip a lot of matches, so Tito Santana VS the Executioner quickly got skipped. Tito Santana predictably won against his masked and nameless opponent.
The next bout was King Kong Bundy VS Special Delivery Jones. I figured, “I know King Kong Bundy, I might as well let this one play out.” Glanced at my phone and then looked up to find out King Kong Bundy had already won. It was 25 seconds long.
The next match was Ricky Steamboat VS Matt Borne. Now I know what I said about Tito Santana, but I know about Ricky Steamboat and everybody mentions how he had awesome matches, so I made it a point to watch his matches. It was a good match and stood out a bit for the style of the time. Ricky Steamboat would win.
I started watching Brutus Beefcake VS David Samartino, simply because it was the son of Bruno Samartino, the longest reigning title holder of all time, so I figured I would let it go, but quickly got bored and skipped to the end where Bruno Samartino got involved and resulted in a Double DQ.
Junkyard Dog VS Greg Valentine was interesting simply because it was the first match to include any sort of entrance music. Everyone else just came to the ring and was cheered or booed. Junkyard Dog was the first guy to have music playing as he came out. The only other one who would have this was Hulk Hogan. (Edit: Fact checking would later reveal that 5 wrestlers had entrance music, but I honestly only remember Hogan and Junkyard Dog)
The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff took on the US Express for the Tag Team Championship. I honestly skipped this one. Just about all the matches that involved nationalistic characters I just skipped. It all seems like manufactured heat based on foreign characters badmouthing the US and we are supposed to boo them because America is Number 1. Just makes me think of Fire Nation Man from Avatar. I get that is a classic staple of wrestling, but I got 39 of these to get through, so I skipped it. And apparently I skipped it so hard, I didn’t realize The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff WON the damn thing. I took it for granted that the US Express would win.
Next up was Andre the Giant VS Big John Studd in a Career VS $15,000 Body Slam Challenge. Now apparently the bet was that Andre the Giant COULD NOT Body Slam Big John Studd. Which makes no damn sense to me. If anything, I would have bet that the challenge was whether Big John Studd could Body Slam Andre the Giant. In fact, when they announced the match, I thought that was what was happening. Andre the Giant seems like all he does is body slam people. WrestleMania 3 was all about Hulk Hogan Bodyslamming Andre the Giant as the most impressive and never before done thing (except for the time they did it before). Just seems like the most backwards match ever. “Bet the guy named the Giant can’t body slam the guy named simply Big. Oh crap, he did. Who could have seen that coming?”
Next was the Women’s Championship match of Wendi Richter VS Leilani Kai. Also featuring Cyndi Lauper as Wendi’s manager. I did not realize how much Cyndi Lauper was tied into wrestling until I heard about Becky Lynch playing her on Young Rock. She’s even in the Hall of Fame. I only know her for Time After Time. But apparently her star power was enough to put over Wendi Richter and win the Women’s Championship.
At last the match we’ve all been waiting for: Hulk Hogan and Mr. T take on Paul Orndorff and Rowdy Roddy Piper. If you asked me who headlined WrestleMania 1, going in blind, I would have guessed Hulk Hogan VS Andre the Giant. If you had shown me the poster, I would have guessed that Hulk Hogan took on Mr. T. I honestly would never have guessed that it was a Tag Team Match. With nothing on the line except pride. Oh and Muhammad Ali as one of two special guest referees. Hulk and Mr. T won, each recovering from their losses to Rocky in Rocky III.
Overall, it was okay. At the time, it was the biggest thing to hit wrestling and set the stage for an annual event that is driving my current hyperfixation. I have a strong feeling that most of these early ones are just going to be okay, simply due to me not knowing many of the characters and production values not being as high at the time. I think it is a perfectly suitable star studded affair, but I do not see myself revisiting this one year after year.
Next Up: WrestleMania II 2. Really? Would have sworn they would have started with the Roman Numerals.
I didn’t want to imply that I could actually afford to go TO Wrestlemania
You know what I haven’t done in a while? Watching a whole lot of stuff in a short amount of time. And then write reviews about it.
So WrestleMania XL is less than 30 days away and I am all for it! There are 39 WrestleMania’s before it, and I have not seen most of them. I have no idea how many WrestleManias I saw before I got back into it this past year. I know I have watched 31, 38, and 39, and a match here and there for some of the others. I might have watched 32, I think that is the one with Shane McMahon VS Undertaker in Hell in a Cell, but I am not 100%.
So I decided I am going to watch ALL the WrestleManias!!! Now, I work about 60 hours a week, and I intend to keep up with Raw and SmackDown as we barrel towards WrestleMania. And as to not drive my family insane, I am not going to force 40 years (39 years? How is the math not mathing?), it is going to be a stretch to try and fit 39 shows that are between 2-6 hours long a show. Especially since the later ones are two nights long. Just not enough hours in the day. Especially if I am going to write reviews for them.
So I am going to make things easier on myself.
1. The “Seen it!” Rule
If I’ve seen the WrestleMania already, I don’t have to watch it again. Outside of the ones I already mentioned, I don’t think this will pop up too often, I don’t believe I convinced my parents to pay for WrestleMania when I was a kid watching the Attitude Era. I know my dad ordered a few PPV’s for me, but I could not tell you which ones.
2. The “Don’t Know/Don’t Care” Rule
So, this will cut through a LOT of the early WrestleManias. If I don’t know any of the wrestlers involved in the match, I can skip it. If I don’t care about the match, I can skip it. I mean, this is probably going to be the most “do what I want” rule of the whole thing, cause it basically gives me carte blanch to skip most of the shows, but I do have one rule so I don’t just check the card and skip whole shows.
3. The “Main Event” Rule
So in the emergency event that I get to April and have too much Wrestle left to Mania, I can reduce it down to just the Main Events. Unfortunately as I get further down the line, this will mean I will be skipping storylines I find more interesting than the old school storylines, but it is what it is. However, I HAVE to watch the Main Events. No skipping allowed. I don’t care how little I care.
I think that covers all the rules. And this is mainly just to explain how I managed to watch 39 WrestleMania shows in 30 days. Unless I end up failing and later saying “I didn’t.”
WOOT! 2024 is in the BAG, now to coast until 2025!
Welp, everything has been finished, Resolutions are over. Ready when you are 2025.
Yeah, just kidding. I have made progress, but considering one of them cannot actually be completed until December, I will have at least a while before I could say they are all done. 
So lets go over where everything stands:
1. Use all my Christmas Presents. So I have made quite a bit of headway in my various Christmas Presents. I am just
Wrestlemania Monopoly
Guga: Breaking the Barbecue Rules I read a few pages here and there, probably should make one of the dishes to count it, but I have opened it up and looked through it, so it counts.
Ninja Foodie XL
Sous Vide Kit 3 times now. Actually works pretty well for steaks.
Vacuum Sealer A must for the sous vide kit. Some trial and error though.
Cody Rhodes Claim Your Kingdom Ice Shirt I wore this shirt. What do you want me to say?
MJF You’re Not on the Level of the Devil Shirt This one, too. A few times now.
WWE 2K23 PS5 I created a character and played a few matches. With 2k24 on the horizon and already pre-ordered, I am not sure how far I will go in this one, but it is going to take some practice.
Bayonetta 3
Cody Rhodes Shorts I originally thought that they may be too small and needed to get a bigger size, but I now wear them as one of my regular hanging around the apartment shorts, as originally intended.
Wyrd Sisters By Terry Pratchett
Cody Rhodes Sandals Not as comfortable as I would have hoped, so I haven’t ordered the other three pairs, but they get their use around the apartment.
LA Knight Let Me Talk To Ya Shirt Look at that, another shirt I wore.
Spider-man Shirt Hell, wore this shirt Christmas day, so it was done before I even made it a resolution.
Various Hot Sauces
A BBQ Kit
A Cheshire Cat Shirt Another shirt worn. I have worn all the Christmas shirts. 
So that leaves The Ninja Foodie XL (which I need to figure out how to use), Bayonetta 3 (which I need to complete 1 and 2 first), The Wyrd Sisters (which I need to finish Sourcery first), The Various Hotsauces, the BBQ kit, and Wrestlemania Monopoly. This resolution is almost in the Bag. I figure Bayonetta 3 is probably going to be the hardest to get to, simply because I need to go through two other games on a system I barely play. 
2. Get an IT Certification No progress at this time, moving on.
3. Get my kitchen organized. I bought the shelving unit, I put together the shelving unit, and I have moved most of the things over to the shelving unit. So I consider this one accomplished! Might need a bit more organizing, but for now it is complete.
4. Dry Age a steak. I bought UMAI Bags. Right now, have not bought a rib roast, because money is a little tight. I also want to clean out the fridge first, so it isn’t going into a dirty fridge. BUT I HAVE THE BAGS!
5. Go to the Gym. Dirt simple, go one time, have not done it. I’m a failure.
6. Complete All the Monthly Challenges on my Apple Watch. Really need a snappier title for that one. I completed January and even did the side Quest Ring in the New Year. February is double my movement ring twice, but I have been particularly lazy at work, so I am struggling right now. I am trying to get my rings done as they stand without making them easier. 
So that is where I stand so far. One completed outright, another mostly done, progress made on 2 of them, and 2 that have had no progress whatsoever. I’ll try and get some headway with those in the upcoming month. 
Quick post, very few gifs. One more for the road.
I need to watch this show. This might be horrifying for all I know.
So as detailed in this post, I do my New Year’s Resolutions like Xbox achievements. hrmm, maybe I should assign point values to my resolutions. Get a score going. Thoughts for later. For now, IT’S THE 2024 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS!
WOOT! It’s February.
So yeah, it may be February, but two things. 1. The way my resolutions go, I don’t necessarily have to nail them down by the beginning of the year, and 2. I posted them on my facebook at the beginning of January, I just didn’t post it here. So let’s get into them:
Will never quite get that magic again.
1. Use all my Christmas Presents. So last year, several of my Christmas presents remain in a box and did not interact with them at all. My Sandman comics remain unread, an Ultraman Blu-Ray remains unopened, and just about every video game goes unplayed. I am not ungrateful, these are all things I wanted and wish to use at some point, but with living my life on my phone, I don’t take time away from that to do things like read my comics, watch movies, play video games. So this time around my goal is to use all the items I got for Christmas at least once . . .and I just remembered that I got a pack of hot sauces in my stocking. Damnit. And my wife got me Monopoly. . .double damnit. So for tracking purposes, here is a list of what I got for Christmas:
Wrestlemania Monopoly
Guga: Breaking the Barbecue Rules
Ninja Foodie XL
Sous Vide Kit
Vacuum Sealer
Cody Rhodes Claim Your Kingdom Ice Shirt
MJF You’re Not on the Level of the Devil Shirt
WWE 2K23 PS5
Bayonetta 3
Cody Rhodes Shorts
Wyrd Sisters By Terry Pratchett
Cody Rhodes Sandals
LA Knight Let Me Talk To Ya Shirt
Spider-man Shirt
Various Hot Sauces
A BBQ Kit
A Cheshire Cat Shirt
This will probably be the one I update about most on this list
Sadly I could not find Gohan getting whipped while shouting “LEARN!”
2. Get an IT Certification. I have purchased an A+ certification book(twice, digital and hardcopy), I have purchased three different online courses for A+, and I have begun so many podcasts and youtube series. I need to buckle down, study, and pass those tests. I would like to change my career field this year and damnit, I am clever when it comes to computers, but I need to fill in the gaps of what I don’t know and get the certifications to get me into the field. Unfortunately, the tests are expensive, so I want to make sure that when I go to take them, I come correct.
Curse this magic-less world.
3. Get my kitchen organized. So along the way, despite my wife and I not cooking much, we have acquired an air fryer, an instapot, 2 crockpots, a sous vide machine, 2 coffee makers, a vacuum sealer, and an electric griddle. Add to that all our pots and pans, and we have like no space for anything. We’ve talked about getting shelves to put this stuff up, but haven’t pulled that trigger. So here is the call for a trigger pull.
Current dream is to get a big enough youtube channel so that Guga invites me to his show one day.
4. Dry Age a steak. So I really got into Guga Foods last year, particularly his dry age experiments. I have been wanting to try a dry aged steak to see how it tastes, but unfortunately, that would cost a good at minimum about $70 for a single steak (at least what I have found around here). According to the videos Guga puts out, you can get an UMAI Bag that enables you to dry age at home in your own everyday fridge. So I finally got a vacuum sealer for Christmas, so I want to try getting an UMAI bag and dry aging a ribeye roast for 35 days. See how it is. This seems to be the cheapest option to get to taste it. Only problem is, I am now convinced that I will end up like Gargamel in that one Robot Chicken Sketch.
All that money and waiting over a month for disappointment.
Really wanted to use the clip where Homer pronounce Gym as Guym, but that just doesn’t quite work in text.
5. Go to the gym. I have had a Planet Fitness membership since October of 2020. I am pretty sure I have been a total of 2 times. I need to get back to working out, because it has not been a part of my life for ages now. I need to go a lot more, but I will take going once as a win in 2024.
This resolution is not sponsored by Apple, much to my disappointment.
6. Complete All the Monthly Challenges on my Apple Watch So last year I got a fancy shmancy Apple Watch. Since then I have enjoyed the labors of closing my rings and getting the little dopamine hit when it does the fancy spinning rings. I feel my rings are set to a fairly simple standard so that I can reasonably accomplish them day to day with a little effort. Weekdays it is easy due to my day job requiring a fair bit of moving around. Weekends I am a slug. To those not in the know, every month they have a new challenge and you get a little badge if you complete the challenge. Almost like an achievement or a resolution, you might say. My goal is to complete the challenge for each month this year. I also want to try and get the random challenges they do for holidays and such. If I fail to complete the side challenges, I won’t count it as a fail, but I’ll add bonus points(if I work out a point system) for completing the side quests. 
And that is it. I will try to pop back in and update some of these resolutions as I go along. I imagine I will have some updates for the Dry Age Experiment, especially how it works out in the end. I will try and check off the Christmas list one as I go. As this is actually being posted in February, some of these I have already accomplished, but I get paid by the post (No you don’t!), You’re right, I don’t get paid for this, but I like to have a clean, “These are my resolutions” post and then an Update post saying “These are done.” So expect an updated post within like a day or so (or a week, don’t RUSH ME!!), letting you know how I’ve done.
We are now solidly into 2024. It is starting to get to the point where we write 2024 more often than 2023 and then have to awkwardly turn a 3 into a 4. So now is the perfect time (or well past it) to discuss New Year’s Day and the Resolutions that have fallen out of fashion.
A look into why these things take time.
So, it seems to me that New Year’s as a holiday has fallen out of fashion. Most of the time when I ask, “What are your resolutions?” I get a haughty “I don’t DO resolutions. No one keeps them, and if you need to change something, you should do it NOW and not wait for some arbitrary day of the year.” They say this in very much the same attitude that someone bragged about having such a disdain for television that they literally turned their TV so it faced the wall. 
We are all just really impressed over here.
New Year’s Eve is just an excuse to stay up late, and New Year’s day is just to sell gym memberships. However, I don’t see it that way. I personally want to reclaim New Year’s. 
Yeah, sure. Like that.
People talk about New Year’s being an arbitrary day of the year. ”August 13th is no different from January 1st. Just another day in the calendar, which is a manmade construct. People who treat it as something special are gullible sheep people.” I get where they are coming from and if you seriously need to make a lifestyle change, doing it today is better than waiting until later to do it. However, people largely are incapable of doing a 180 on their behavior at the drop of a hat. 
Who can say it better than Batman?
A good example of this is the Ice Bucket challenge from years ago. People dumped ice on themselves and challenged others to do it to raise awareness and donations to ALS. People came out of the damn woodwork to call out the challenge as stupid and that you should just donate anyways. However, due to the challenge, donations skyrocketed. Then people came out and said that almost none of the donation money went to actually cure ALS, because again, they did not know how charities work. Yes, we SHOULD be donating to worthy charities on the regular. Yes we SHOULD be making positive changes to our lives whenever we need to. But we don’t because most of the time we are just trying to get through the day without it hurting. 
So I say, make New Year’s a day like Thanksgiving. At Thanksgiving, you are supposed to reflect on the things that you are thankful for. Mainly Turkey Legs. On New Year’s Eve, you should treat it as a time of reflection on the past year. What do you wish you could change from the last year and make goals to make it better in the New Year. 
Sometimes corners help us focus.
So now that we have established when you should think about your life and what to change, let’s sit down and discuss a new way to Resolution. 
Years and years ago, I saw how almost all my resolutions ended in failure. Largely due to them being vague or totalitarian in nature. I had to eat better, lose weight, go to the gym every day, give up sodas forever, etc. I ended up giving up after a period of time. I tried making my resolutions more specific, like getting under a specific weight. I tried making them easier, like losing 10 pounds. Mostly for naught. Usually I would not remember my resolutions until the next new year. I then had this idea, that came from a very simple source:
Create New System of Resolutions
Base my Resolutions on Achievable one time goals that are either pass or fail. Accomplish this one task, and your resolution is done. I don’t have to constantly be the best version of myself. I can fail, I can pick myself back up, I can try again the next day. I can lose focus and pick it up at a later date to complete it then. Staying constantly focused for a long period of time has never worked for me, I do better with concentrated efforts in a short period then maintaining a pace for a long period. 
The bonus is you can leverage smaller victories into overall improvements. For example, say your ultimate goal is to pay down or pay off your credit card debts. Make your resolution to pay off one card. From there you can use that to start paying off the others. Little victories, short term goals, use them to steam roll into your long term goals.
They don’t always work out the way I want them to. I pay off one credit card, but then make no further headway and end up maxing the card out again cause I am overall just bad with money. So if anyone wants to set up a GoFundMe to help with my financial woes, that would be a kindness. 
Anybody know how to set up a patreon?
I would say my most successful resolution of all time would be the year I decided to go on a date. I had been single for 8 years, and the biggest part of the problem was me not getting out of my own way. I would convince myself that most women would say no or I just didn’t have the motivation to put myself out there. I would say I needed to wait until I was in shape enough, or in a better life situation, or any of the number of things to stop myself from just asking a lady out. So I made it my goal one year to go on one date. At the start of the year, I was functionally homeless due to house hunting, so I was living with my parents in my old room(which had been converted into my mom’s scrapbooking room, so I had about 6 by 10 amount of space to call my own.) So I didn’t make any plans to start actively dating until I had a place to stay. Well, about 2 weeks after we closed on the house, I successfully got my one date. And that date was with the woman who is now my wife.
Oh stop it, you.
Yeah, every other resolution I had that year failed horribly, but not all resolutions are made equal. So with all that being said, I recommend that if you are having problems sticking with your resolutions, or if you have given up on the concept in general, give my method a try. 
Next Time: TemplarKnight’s 2024 New Year’s Resolutions.
I don’t think this poster knew about the HBO Max deal yet.
Dear Hollywood,
There are about 20+ Mortal Kombat games out there and each one has dozens of different story arcs depending on which character you select and run through the tournament. Pick one, film it, and put it on the screen. That is all you have to do.
You got close in this one. Putting up the Sub-Zero VS Scorpion story was a FANTASTIC starting point. But then you decided, “Hey, let’s introduce a character nobody knows about and use him as the focus of the movie.”
Now, why did they decide to go with this unknown person as opposed to leaving the leading role to Liu Kang like they did in the other two Mortal Kombat movies? Simple. The guy playing Liu Kang can’t act. In fact, very few of them can. They were all billed on their fighting abilities. Which is part of the way to go. All these short videos getting on line of martial artists doing bad ass scenes with the captions of “Hollywood should get THESE GUYS to do the movie!” obviously don’t know what they are giving up. Yes, the fight scenes look kind of cool, but the acting, writing, and polish are not there.
So the fights are pretty cool for the most part, especially when they get to the finishers. They wanted the R rating for the gory finishers, and they give you the gory finishers.
Well, TKLDR.com does not HAVE an R rating, so we will stick with Emily Gilmore’s description.
And just in case you ever forgot that they were referencing video games, they will constantly bombard you with FATALITY, FLAWLESS VICTORY, and KANO WINS, just so we can go, “OH THEY SAID THE THING!”
Also they spend a good chunk of the movie trying to unlock the super moves of the main characters. I can’t even remember what stupid thing they called it, despite them saying it several dozen times. Basically every Champion has a special ability that allows them to fight in the tournament. And it isn’t just something like Ice Powers or Fire powers. It can be straight up growing robot arms or unlocking a suit of armor with matching tonfa. It really is just a stupid plot element. I would have been fine using that as an explanation of the ice, fire, or any of the energy techniques, but having it cover equipment and technology? That is just “wizard did it” levels of bad writing.
(Update from 2024) Almost 3 years later, I am calling an end to this review. The power system is stupid, the acting was bad, and they should have just taken one of the thousands of mortal Kombat stories and adapted that. I am pretty sure I changed the spelling in the title intentionally to distance it from the fighting game of my youth. Shame on you. 
Now we need a Death Battle between this Sun and the Moon from Majora’s Mask.
Really? Almost two years away and the first thing you post about is a movie that is older than you? Fine, whatever, we’re back. WE’RE BACK! THAT would have been a movie to come back on. Seriously! Whatever, roll the intro! Oh right, we’re still just a blog. 
So, some backstory. Apparently at some point as a wee little TemplarSquire, I saw the very beginning of this movie. And it traumatized the hell out of me. Cause it starts with this little cartoon of a Rhino just looking for love. And he goes to this little group of bunnies and asks them how to find love. And they bully the hell out of him. So he very reasonably pulls out a machine gun and SHOOTS THEM TO DEATH! And I mean it is violent, one of them gets literally cut in half by bullets. It is clear that they survived this harrowing ordeal, because they show up several times later in the movie. But JESUS! 
Just before Childhood Innocence (and several bunnies) died.
Between this scene and that field of blood scene in Watership Down, I was finding it very difficult to trust cartoons anymore. This is what happens when Daffy gets a hold of the artist’s tools and declares it Wabbit Season.
Things like this change a duck. Twists them mentally into a monster.
So I was aware that this was a John Cusack movie and just sort of held it in my head for a few decades until the discussion of childhood movie trauma popped up and I was like “Watership Down and One Crazy Summer,” and although everyone agreed with Watership Down, I got some strange looks for One Crazy Summer. So I decided to revisit this movie I saw beginning of many many years ago.
It begins with the aforementioned Rhino cartoon. Like literally, that is the opening of the movie. It is revealed that John Cusack is drawing this cartoon as an application to an art school the morning of his High School Graduation. Unbeknownst to me, there was ANOTHER scene in this movie that somewhat traumatized me as a child. During the Graduation scene, everyone throws their caps in the air, but apparently one of them comes down with such force that it sticks in the back of one of the graduates like a ninja star, killing him. John Cusack catches him as he falls over dead, see’s the cap sticking out of his back, and just lays him down before walking away. For some reason, I thought this was a scene from Grosse Point Blank. It would explain why John Cusack’s character was oddly comfortable with killing people. But yeah. The movie just killed a person and no one cared.  Young TemplarSquire was horrified at all the death he was seeing.
Again, an 80’s High School Movie is doing the work.
So, one of the sub-plots of this movie is that John Cusack’s character is named Hoops, because his parents expected Basketball greatness from him. However, as established by whenever he attempts to throw anything in the trash, he has a terrible shot. So due to his parents losing all faith in him and buying him a street sweeper as his graduation gift car (ah, the 80’s middle class), John Cusack decides to take up his friend’s offer to go to Nantucket for the summer. Without, you know, packing any bags or planning this ahead of time, or anything. Just hops in the car and drives off to Nantucket. Considering at least one person died at graduation, I can’t imagine what his mother thinks happened to him. 
Couldn’t find any funny milk carton jokes, so back to the Simpsons it is.
They pick up the younger sister of Hoops’ friend, her dog, and Demi Moore(who is being chased by a biker gang) on the way to Nantucket. Honestly, you’d think the biker gang would be a bigger deal in the movie, but after they do a car jump from the dock onto the ferry boat to get away, the biker gang never shows up again.
Totally believable jump.
A running gag is that the dog is supposed to be so ugly that people can’t help but make mean comments about it. And when people do make mean comments, the little girl will seek righteous retribution against you, such as slapping you on the back so your face gets stuck, rolling up the window on your tie so you get dragged alongside the car as they drive away, or hunting you down in a shark boat that eats you in front of your son.
We also learn that Hoops is afraid of boats. Doesn’t give a good explanation, just he doesn’t like to go on boats. Until he has sex on a boat, then phobia cured. But that is later. But take it from One Crazy Summer, if you have a phobia of something, have sex on it, and you’re cured. Afraid of the dark, have sex in it. Afraid of heights, have sex while sky diving. Afraid of spiders, have-
NOPE, NOT TYPING THAT, NOT WILLING THAT INTO EXISTENCE!
SO IN CHANGING THE SUBJECT ENTIRELY, the main plot of the film centers around a rich guy and his son trying to take Demi Moore’s house so that they can build a Lobster restaurant on it. The house belonged to Demi Moore’s grandfather who passed away, and she has to come up with $3000 or Lobster Man gets the house. Lobster Man’s rich entitled douchebag son, Lobster Boy, has to win the Regatta or his grandfather will lose respect for him and cut him and his father off. Apparently Lobster Boy wins the Regatta every year, but this year is the important one for some reason. You know, standard 80’s competition at the end to save the BLANK. 
I’ll definitely need to review Empire Records one of these days.
Lobster boy’s thing is “don’t touch my things” and “I’m doing my laps!” He’s your typical 80’s rich douchebag, but honestly there is one scene with his girlfriend that I actually find pretty endearing. Lobster boy gets ready to jump in the pool to take his “laps” then gestures for his girlfriend to come closer, boops her, and then jumps in the pool. Admittedly this is before discovering that the pool has been filled with live lobsters as a form of comedic revenge, but still.
Speaking of Lobster boy’s girlfriend, she ain’t loyal, cause when Lobster Boy is at a social event (that gets raided by Godzilla), she goes out with Hoops. She even suggests going somewhere “more romantic.” Of course, when Lobster Boy eventually discovers that she is out with Hoops, she plays victim and claims that Hoops is “after her.” Well, Hoops and a pack of boy scouts hopped up on Vietnam flashbacks and assured that trauma victims can’t be trusted to decline assistance. DNR? NOT ON MY WATCH!
TELL GOD HE’LL HAVE TO TAKE THEM FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!
So Hoops and the gang manage to draw enough attention to Demi Moore’s concert that she manages to raise enough money to pay the bank and keep her house! Except Lobster Man decides to just buy it from the bank anyways. And the bank says, “Sorry, he’s rich, and they can do whatever they want.” Which I’m pretty sure they can’t legally do that, but considering all the real world shenanigans the banks and rich people get away with, might as well be true. 
Feel free to add the political cartoon of your choice here.
So after Lobster Man outright buys Demi Moore’s house and threatens to kick everyone out, it is up to Hoops and his gang to win the Regatta. Which they do buy Hoops getting over his fear of boats, Hoops finally managing to shoot a hoop, and Hoops’ friend sawing off the tail end of Lobster Boy’s Ferrari and using it as a boat engine. Not sure that would work, but eh. Not the weirdest thing in this movie. 
So to tie it all together, the cartoons that Hoops has been drawing this whole time, after the Rhino kills all the bunnies, they get better and then trick him into getting on a floating heart that should take him to love, but the heart sinks. Then the Rhino meets a sexy cat lady, but she is dating Godzilla who attacks and crushes the Rhino. Then at the end, Love/Cupid Finds the Rhino and then finds the bunny gang and lights the fuse of the bomb they happen to be holding, once again killing the bunny gang. 
Sadly gifs of this movie are few and far between.
So, in recap, I confronted the movie that exposed me to so much unresolved trauma from my childhood. It’s a weird 80’s John Cusack film, which with Better Off Dead, is almost a genre unto itself. But I like John Cusack. My favorite of his is Grosse Pointe Blank. Which also had murder in high school, as well as corpse disposal. Hoops learned from his mistakes of just leaving a dead body in the middle of graduation.
Not sure what is next. I thought of reviewing all the movies from 1986, thinking there weren’t that many out there, but it is still a substantial list. Might look at Better Off Dead. I reference the Two Dollars line way too much not to have actually seen the whole thing. Maybe a nice John Cusack Binge. 
So, I, like everyone, love the first two Home Alone movies. I even nostalgia goggled the 3rd movie. But I basically abandoned the franchise after that. And so did everyone else.
This is where all hope is duly abandoned.
So this new Disney+ movie, I had no real interest in. I knew nothing about it other than people saying that it existed and that they were NOT going to watch it.
So when I came up with this list, like an hour ago, I immediately pulled up. . . Netflix.
Maybe a Squid Games Holiday Special?
Unfortunately they didn’t have a Holiday list just laid out for me, so I figured I would go straight for Disney+. And there it was Home Sweet Home Alone.
And I kept looking.
And looking.
. . . and the Lego Star Wars Holiday Special was right there too.
Eh, I could have picked any number of movies, but this one felt. . . Right. For better or worse.
So, went in blind.
And god bless it. It was such a treat knowing nothing and seeing Kimmy Schmidt out of nowhere.
So I guess the Kimmy Schmidt Holiday Special!
So we get introduced to Kimmy Schmidt and her Husband, then Max Mercer and his mom. And I am sitting confused for quite a bit trying to figure out who the bad guys are here. Clearly Max is going to be the home alone kid, but where does this all tie in?
Where are the criminal masterminds to get their uppance comed?
I need to photoshop Ellie Kemper’s face over this.
The whole story stems from Kimmy and her Husband are selling their house because they can’t afford it anymore. They have an open house for potential buyers. Max has to urgently go to the bathroom, so him and his mother pose as buyers so he can use the bathroom.
Well there, Max runs into the Husband and his bequeathed doll collection. After a brief battle of wits with the same old same old “Frankenstein is the Doctor, not the monster” gag(with a clever twist at the end), it is discovered that the husband has a doll that might be worth $200,000.
After Max’s argument with the Husband results in him losing McDonalds, the Husband decides to rub it in and walk off. Leaving a surly Max alone with the Husband’s creepy, but possibly expensive dolls.
Revenge is best served through plot device.
So now when the Husband discovers that the doll is worth thousands, but is now somehow missing, he figures out that Max likely stole it during the open house.
Through some odd standing in the right place at the right time moments, the Husband gets the mother’s full name, then the security code for the house, and then sees where they put the key for the house.
Hehe, using the Simpsons is always gold.
So the husband briefly gets scared off of the heist by imagining that an SUV a woman walking her poodle are briefly a Squad Car and a police hound. The scheme is quickly forgotten until Kimmy decides that she wants to keep her home. And for that recipe
Okay, might have pulled something trying to work that one in.
So on the Max side of the equation, we see he lives in a freaking castle (or at least seems like it from my meager apartment living eyes) and his extended family is with him and they are all getting ready for their big trip to Tokyo. Max seems to be annoyed with them, but outside of him being a little underfoot, they just seem to be ignoring him.
When Max’s mother is arguing with the airline for cancelling their booking and splitting their family onto two different flights, Max is demanding her attention and she snaps at him.
Basically.
This results in him storming off and watching Looney Tunes in the car. Find it odd that Disney+ is advertising HBO Max, but whatevs. Naturally, he gets overlooked because it is a Home Alone movie. The mother goes on one flight and the extended family goes on another (while loudly explaining how to find the key and the alarm code).
I would have preferred Loud Howard, but couldn’t find a good gif
Once Max awakens to find the house empty, we get the typical montage of him divulging all his childhood desires which include attempting to search for porn(which is blocked), dressing up like Scarface to eat a bunch of candy(who is this reference for?), and . . . crossdressing? From the kid who mocked a grown man for having dolls?
I’ve grown, you haven’t! (No i couldn’t find that gif either)
Eventually, Kimmy and the Husband decide to try and sneak in and get the doll. However, they decide to keep referring to the doll as the “ugly little boy,” which results in Max thinking they are trying to kidnap him to sell for money.
Huh. . . Beginning to realize Homer says that a lot.
Well, due to the Husband not remembering one of the easiest alarm codes in the universe, other than what an idiot would use for his luggage, the cops show up. Well, one cop.
All grown up.
Buzz McCallister returns and he is a Police Officer. Kimmy manages to smooth talk Buzz by flirting with him. With her husband. Right there. Well, in the car. Max sees the cop, but comes to the conclusion that if it is revealed that he was left alone, his mother will instantly go to jail.
Even the children can sense it.
So heist number 2 is averted. They realize their opponent is a child and possibly a german grandmother(due to a malfunctioning Alexa). Heist number 3 uses an extensive slow motion clip including a fart joke, and results with them storming into the WRONG HOUSE. Amazingly they sneak back out and only manage to nearly drown and freeze to death.
Well now this is just getting silly.
Finally they decide to go balls to the wall and break in on Christmas Eve Night. Max also realizes that he must defend his home. So we get the Home Alone trap montage. Due to this being very much a modern take on Home Alone, it is the worst of the worst that TikTok can give you. A mine field of legos, Mentos/Soda bombs, a pool ball launcher, and nerf guns with- Holy S*** Thumbtacks attached to the end?!?
You’re sick, kid. Sick!
Now, here is where the difference lies between the original and this version. I personally like the idea that the “criminals” are the ones we follow. It has us rooting for them to have the happy ending. The kid that is defending the home we want to have his comeuppance. It is trying something different and I applaud it.
Until it gets to the pain. Now we have innocent (well, they ARE breaking and entering). . . okay, people who aren’t actively attempting evil suddenly getting set on fire, bludgeoned, and stabbed with thumbtacks. We don’t want them hurting. When it was the wet bandits, we wanted them to suffer. It was cathartic justice. With Kimmy and the Husband just trying to save their house, it seems kind of extreme.
Well, Kimmy and The Husband get put through the ringer. The Husband gets knocked unconscious SEVERAL times.
Thank you, Archer.
Eventually after they run out of traps to inflict, Max and Kimmy finally talk it out and realize that Max never stole the doll, just a can of soda. And Mac learns that they did not want to kidnap him.
Quite.
So we later discover that the doll was taken by The Husband’s nephew and nearly gets destroyed via another painful slow motion scene. But it is saved and everything turns out okay. Kimmy and the Husband manage to pay off the mortgage, repair the damage to Max’s house, and even manages to buy The Husband a job.
ALRIGHT, THAT IS ENOUGH! GET OUT!
Overall, I liked this movie. I thought the change of pace was refreshing and kind of sets it apart from the others. Also, I think Max and Kimmy do great jobs anchoring the film.
Some of the cons come from some of the odd dialogue choices where Kimmy and the Husband just say things that seem to make them seem like criminals. A lot of people complain about the product placement, but I barely notice it.
. . . this would be a great place for a bunch of ads, but I don’t make any money for my internet activities yet. So bleh.
Check out Home Sweet Home Alone on Disney+.
Next Time: So this is the new Home Alone, the next one is the new A Christmas Story. . .
So I have been gone a long time. Haven’t posted movie reviews. Haven’t posted video game reviews. Haven’t even posted any of my promised Heroes in Helmets posts.
I have started a twitch stream though. Below is an animated representation of the effort it takes me.
I’m not even good at that.
So as I was working my overnight job and watching it turn from November to December at last, I decided I wanted to dive headfirst into the Christmas spirit.
I wanted to try and find something to do this year, but I wasn’t sure that I could do another HORRIBLE Christmas. Not that I lacked the will, but I wasn’t sure I could find another 25 horrible holiday movies to match my last efforts.
Nothing will top Santa VS The Devil and Nutcracker 3D being on the same list.
Also, I have already tried posting my favorite Christmas movies two or three times now. That is probably not going to change much. Not without. . . risk.
So this year, we are entering the middle ground. This will be Schrodenger’s (spell check that later editor) Holiday Movies list. I decided to watch a bunch of movies that I have never seen before. How will these fair?
Ah Ren and Stimpy, you are my childhood.
So yeah, simple rules. Can’t have seen it before. That’s it. Oh and it has to be on one of the services I stream. No blackmarket deals to get dvds of crap no one else can see. So what I watch, you can watch. And enjoy/suffer with me!
Though, if we go with Barney’s rule, this should be my new Favorite Christmas movies list because
Never steered me wrong.
Tomorrow Night: So yeah, to kick off this new new Holiday cheer, let’s start with the 3rd or 4th reboot of a franchise that has consistently gone downhill since it lost it’s original cast. . .
TemplarKnight's Long Damn Reviews 