King’s Halloween: Dreamcatcher (2003)

Tonight: Dreamcatcher (2003)
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This is a hard movie to watch. Especially while you are trying to eat dinner.

For those of you who don’t know, this movie deals with Aliens that come out of people’s butts. Tape worms on steroids.

It shares some points with the story IT. They both take place in Derry, Maine. They both jump and forth between the main characters as children and adults. And they both deal with Aliens. Also a psychic link exists between the friends. Though in this case the friends develop legitimate powers.

Well, two of the friends at least. Jonesy is able to do the mind palace thing without cocaine, and Pete can find stuff by twirling his finger. David from The Mist and Earl Hickey can only do the basic mind read like everyone else.

So the film shows off everyone using their psychic gifts, and the Jonesy decides to walk into traffic. Not quite as funny as the meet Joe Black accident, but still funny.

I could watch that all day.

Then we cut to all the friends meeting up in a cabin in the woods, and Jonesy is alive, even though we clearly just watched him die.

You’d think that would be the weird supernatural thing, but no, everyone talks about the accident and it is just a thing that happened.

So after the first night in the cabin, the party splits up so 2004 Punisher and 2007 Hitman can get groceries and Jonsey and Pickle-F***er can hike. Jonesy finds a hiker who is close to freezing to death. Jonesy brings the hiker back to the cabin noting that the guy has man tits and then by the time he’s back at the cabin it has moved to a beer gut. When Brodie returns, the hiker starts belching and farting just toxic smells and they suggest he lie down.

Jonesy and Banky step outside and a couple Helicopters fly over and tell them that they are in a quarantine zone. And here we get our first introduction to Morgan Freeman cosplaying as the agent from FLCL.

Morgan Freeman is the leader of a military force tasked with destroying alien infections. He is also insane, shooting his soldiers in the hand for mistakes and willing to kill everyone in the quarantine zone. But shh, that doesn’t come up til later.

So Jonesy and Dave from Alvin and the Chipmunks return to the cabin and find a trail of blood leading to the bathroom. They kick the door open and find the hiker has bloody well s*** himself to death. Literally.

Syndrome knocks the hiker off the toilet and discovers a creature is IN the toilet. He puts the lid down and tries to flush it, but it won’t go down.

Azrael (From Dogma) puts the lid down and sits on it while Jonesy tries to get duct tape to tape it shut. Well, Paul from a Guy Thing apparently can’t go 5 minutes without a toothpick that he has knocked onto the floor of the bathroom and ends up getting killed by the thing in the toilet.

Thank god, I was running out of Jason Lee roles to reference.

Jonesy gets back in time to see . . .his friend has died, and then get introduced to the Big alien, Mr. Gray. Mr. Gray possesses Jonesy.

Timothy Olyphant and Thomas Jane get into a car accident narrowly avoiding one of the other missing hikers. Thomas Jane runs off to find help while Timothy Olyphant babysits the dead hiker.

The dead hiker apparently had a butt alien and it escapes and latches onto Timothy Olyphant’s dick while he’s taking a piss. He saves his dick by diving crotch first onto a camp fire.

Possessed Jonesy finds Timothy Olyphant. Due to their psychic abilities, Timothy Olyphant immediately realizes that Jonesy ain’t Jonesy. However, Jonesy convinces Timothy Olyphant to help Mr. Gray find what he wants. Timothy Olyphant gets off a “bite me” joke and then gets bitten by Mr. Gray. And that is the last time I have to write Timothy Olyphant for this review.

So we flash back to when the boys were boys and they come across a boy in his underwear being bullied. They rescue the boy, named Duddits, and he becomes so grateful he grants them powers. They even help save a missing girl who never gets seen on camera.

Back in modern day, Thomas Jane finds his way to the military base and convinces the second in command that Morgan Freeman is crazy and to call in the regular army.

Mr. Gray/Jonesy end up going to the local water main to try and spread the infection to the local populace. After they infect a dog and have a butt alien come out of the dog.

Stephen King is REALLY hard on pets.

Thomas Jane gets adult Duddits and the Second in command head to the water main after Jonesey/Mr. Gray. However, before they can arrive, Morgan Freeman attacks them with a helicopter. Second in command dies while shooting the Helicopter out of the sky, killing Morgan Freeman.

Thomas Jane arrives in time to shoot the butt alien before it goes into the water main. Mr. Gray pretends to be Jonesy until Duddits walks in and calls him out on his s***. Duddits turns out to be an alien, too. Mr. Gray and Alien Duddits take each other out and Jonesy and Thomas Jane get to go home after killing one little worm that ALMOST got away.

The end.

It was better than I thought it was going to be. Still a tough watch and survives mostly of my fondness of the main actors.

Tomorrow: So lets go from aliens in your s*** to just plain s****y aliens.

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