THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!
Tonight: He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special
To begin with, I didn’t watch He-Man as a kid. I was just never really into the concept. Robots that transform into cars. Sweet. Turtles that are also ninjas. Awesome. A muscular guy using a sword to transform into a slightly more muscular guy and lose most of his clothing in exchange for a deeper voice? Nah. I prefer my voice drops to come from ancient puzzles and used primarily to win children’s card games.
So unfortunately I’m kind of ignorant on whether the batshit insanity is from this being a Christmas special or just standard batshit insanity.
The story begins with the royal court of Eternia and Etheria combining to celebrate the birthday of He-Man and She-Ra. While everyone else is decorating, Prince Adam and Man at Arms are putting the final touches on a Rocket ship to spy on Skeletor.
Orko decides to get on the rocket and accidentally launches the ship. He then has to get a job at Higbees to pay back Man At Arms for the damage. Oh wait, I’m getting my notes mixed up with Christmas Story 2. Orko flies around for a bit as the opening credits play.
Skeletor’s ship comes across Orko’s ship and decides to attack it. He-Man and She-Ra decide to attack Skeletor’s ship and take it out. Orko panics and ends up teleporting the whole ship to Earth.
We briefly cut to He-man and Man at Arms discussing a way to find the ship and then have a jarring cut to Orko’s Ship crash landing on earth. Orko finds a couple kids lost in the mountains and brings them to the ship to stay warm. The children then tell them the story of Christmas.
Meanwhile, Man at Arms says he found the ship, but to bring it back, he needs a special Crystal not found on Eternia. She-Ra goes to fetch it and after fighting off a Beast-Monster(I think it was a placeholder name, but then they remembered they were writing for He-Man and She-Ra and put a hypen in and called it a day), recovers the crystal and then is attacked by Decepticons!
Oh wait, they are called Monstroids. Damnit, just got screwed out of an EPIC Crossover. She-Ra trys to fly away but the Monstroids shoot her with a. . . bubble laser? The Monstroids then transform and leave her there? Why did you shoot her if you were just going to leave her behind?
At least they left her trapped in an unbreakable bubble that can only be destroyed by a magic sword engulfed in fire.
What do you mean She-Ra has a magic sword engulfed in fire?!? Well, she uses that to escape and gets the Crystal to Man At Arms. Man at Arms uses the teleporter to transport Zwerking to the north pole to help save Santa from losing his company to Snavely. DAMNIT!(shuffles papers again) Man at Arms uses the beam to recover Orko from Earth.
Orko just finished hearing the story of christmas when the glowing light of the transport beam appears nearby. Orko decides that instead of hoping the children find their way home on Earth, to take them to another freaking dimension(galaxy? Universe?).
Man at Arms says he can teleport them back in a few days. The kids are worried they will miss Christmas. Nobody cares that the Parents on Earth will be freaking the hell out!
Meanwhile, Horde Prime(Are you SURE this isn’t a Transformers crossover?) senses the Christmas spirit has entered his realm and summons Skeletor and Hordak to kidnap the children. And Skeletor and Hordak set their differences aside and decide to embark on a coordinated effort to kidnap the children.
No, of course they don’t, the bicker and get in each others way. Hordak manages to kidnap the children first using retractor beams and freeze rays from his . . . Helicopter Dildo Ship.
So Hordak flies off with the children, until the Monstroids attack. The lead monstroid reaches up and grabs the Shaft of the Helicopter Dildo Ship and yanks it down.
Screw you I’m milking this for all it’s worth.
That was also intentional.
The Monstroids steal the children from Hordak. For some reason. I don’t know why. But the children are soon rescued by. . . The Manchines? How many factions are in this damn show?!?
The manchines are apparently the enemies of the Monstroids- okay, did you try to get a Transformers/Masters of the Universe crossover and it just didn’t work out or what?!?
The Monstroids are like 50 feet tall and the manchines are the same size as the children. He-Man and She-Ra show up but are largely not needed because the manchines go full Ewok on the Monstroids and wipe them OUT. Well everyone is distracted, Skeletor steals the kids.
Skeletor doesn’t get far before Hordak shoots him out of the sky. Skeletor starts to force march the children to Horde Prime, but the children are too cold. So Skeletor uses his magic to summon coats for the children. The Christmas spirit is starting to infect Skeletor, so when a whompa attacks, Skeletor defends the children. Then Hordak attacks with his Army. Fortunately He-Man and She-Ra show up.
Then Horde Prime shows up in his ship and uses a claw machine. . .claw to kidnap the children. But Skeletor decides he MUST SAVE THE CHILDREN and blasts Horde Prime out of the sky!
The children thank Skeletor and He-Man and She-Ra return the children home. After giving them flight belts as presents. So the children get home to their parents and-holy shit, is their dad Ron Jeremy?!? Have fun tearing down your missing posters, kids!
So yeah, I’m not sure how much is just standard fare for this show, but all in all it’s not bad. I write most of it off as this is the way the shows are, so I’m more forgiving of this than the Star Wars special which has no real semblance if Star Wars. If you like He-Man or She-Ra, this may be a good watch, but if you don’t then this will get you nowhere.
Tomorrow: So we’ve had a couple movies without a Santa Claus, so lets see if we can go a year without one.