Santa Claus (1959)

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: Santa Claus (1959), a.k.a. Santa Claus versus the Devil

I don’t think it gets any worse than this.  Fortunately this is the last movie of this Christmas list, so I can wait a year(or most of it anyways) before I can be proven wrong.

Here’s a basic run down of the plot:  Santa Claus is a being of the 5th dimension who lives in a castle on a cloud with an army of children from all over the world.  Santa has help from Merlin and Hephaestus to battle a demon sent by Lucifer to make the children of the world do evil.

Not even kidding.  Oh, and the movie was made in Mexico before being dubbed in English.  And not modern dubbing either.  1960’s dubbing.  Weep children.  Weep.

So we begin in a castle on a cloud.  Santa is preparing for his yearly journey to Earth, and he tries motivating the children he has kidnapped and enslaved to work in his toy factory by playing them songs from their homeland.  Starting with Africa.

Santa goes through many of the more populous countries of the world, giving each of them time to sing a brief portion of a song and showing off the most colorful and iconic costumes of their culture.  Africans in tribal outfits, Mexicans in sombreros and ponchos, the Swiss in lederhosen and wooden shoes, Americans in cowboy boots and hats, and Germans in rigid discipline and efficiency.  The British are mentioned and they sing a song, but the camera decides not to zoom in on them when their song comes up.  Maybe they couldn’t afford the stereotypical British outfits.

Meanwhile in Hell,(that’s an odd jumpcut in a Christmas movie) where several demons are all dancing around having a jolly good time.  The voice of Lucifer then calls to Pitch and banishes all the other demons. Lucifer tells Pitch that it is his job to make all the children of the world do evil and turn against Santa.  Oh and it’s already December 24th.  Sort of a late game move in my opinion, but we’ll see how this plays out.  Lucifer says that if Pitch fails, Lucifer will force Pitch to eat CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM!

Yeah, apparently demons can only really eat burning hot coals, so cold food is painful to them.  In Pitch’s case, it is double torture because he is also Lactose Intolerant.

Demons aren’t the only ones that have odd dietary restrictions.  Santa apparently cannot go to Earth before sundown on Christmas Eve or else his robotic wind up Reindeer will dissolve and he will be stranded and starve because all he can eat is pastries and ice cream made from soft clouds.

Pitch goes to earth where crowds of people are standing in front of a store window display with the most HORRIFYING ANIMATRONIC SANTA.  Damn, Pitch works quickly!  Obviously if this is what he makes people think Santa is like, then EVERYONE will turn against-(whisper whisper) wait what?  (whisper whisper) This is just a normal display?  Pitch has nothing to do with it? (whisper)  Nevermind.

A little girl named Lopita is staring at the little doll in the window.  Pitch magically appears next to Lopita and he whispers that she should steal the doll.  She says no, stealing is wrong, and goes about her day.  Pitch then finds three boys and whispers into their ears.  This convinces them to grab some rocks and throw them at the shop Santa.

One of the kids has a REALLY great arm, because the rock he throws makes it all the way to the 5th Dimension and pegs the Real Santa in the FACE!  At this point Santa decides to investigate what is going on.  To this he goes to his command center.  He has a machine with giant lips, a machine with giant ears, and a machine with a giant eye.  The machine with giant lips allows him to hear what people are saying on earth.  He hears the boys plan to lay in wait, attack Santa, and steal all the toys for themselves.

Pitch then appears in a crowded marketplace where Lopita is looking at a table of dolls.  Pitch convinces her to take the doll and hide it in her jacket.  She walks about 10 feet away and her mother tells her to hurry up before the Narrator tells her it is wrong to steal.  Lopita then returns the doll to the table and goes along with her mother.  Once they are back home and Lopita decides to go to sleep, Pitch blows into her ear and gives her bad dreams.

Santa is able to watch her dreams from his device with the giant ear.  Lopita has a dream where she is surrounded by a bunch of coffin sized presents that open up to reveal the most nightmare inducing human sized dolls ever.  Annabelle can suck it.  They all keep dancing around her and chastising her for putting the doll back.

Santa then observes another boys dream.  The slave children talk about how the boy is rich and must have all the toys he wants, what could he possibly want?  Well, he dreams of entering his living room and finding two large presents(again, coffin sized) and he opens them up to find his parents and they hug him.  Holy crap, is this Batman?!?

Nope, apparently his parents just go out to parties all the time and neglect him.  Lame.

So Santa starts reading Christmas letters to him and one boy is asking for a bicycle, a baseball bat, an ATOMIC LABORATORY, AND A MACHINE GUN!  Is this Stewie Griffin?!?  Oh and to double down, they write a second letter pretending to be the “older brother” vouching that Stewie has been a good boy and should get everything.

Santa then goes off to visit Merlin and Hephaestus. Merlin gives Santa sleeping powder and a flower that makes him disappear. They go into great detail about how these work and comment on how their memory sucks so they have to rehash this every year. At least the movie covers its bases on its nonsense.

Hephaestus makes Santa a key that opens every door. It is a giant key that doesn’t fit into any lock, it just strikes lock frame and after it fries the locking mechanism, Santa just walks right through. He tests the key by walking through the hall of a Thousand Magic Portals.

It’s just a name, there are really only 967 portals.

We then cut to Santa’s jerking wildly and him laughing. Before we can get too many unseemly ideas, the narrator suggests he’s “dancing” before it pans up and realize he’s using one of those ab shaker machines to slim up for the chimneys. All the chimneys that appear in this film are roughly 5×5, which I guess that the average Mexican household puts out about as much smoke as your average coal factory to justify that chimney size.

As he’s about to set off, one of the Russian children asks why Santa doesn’t use an interstellar space ship. Santa scoffs at this and says his robotic reindeer work fine. Even though it is pointed out that they dissolve at daylight. Oh and when you crank them up, they give creepy laughter like the nightmare abominations they are.

Oh and then Santa and the children have the most disjointed torturous song I’ve heard since Santa meets the Ice Cream Bunny.

Santa finally sets off to Earth. Almost crashing into the moon which is roughly the same size as Santa and his sleigh.

So Pitch tries to thwart Santa by pushing the chimneys aside, so santa can’t go down them. Even though this still leaves a giant hole in the roof that Santa could go down, Santa is thwarted briefly. Until he remembers he has a key to every door and just uses the front door. But first he must use the magic parasol to float down.

Mary Poppins is gonna sue somebody.

So At the next house, Pitch prevents Santa from using the chimney by lighting a fire in the fireplace. And then to thwart him using the front door, Pitch goes Macaulay Culkin and heats up the doorknob using his demon breath. To test it is hot enough, he holds paper above the knob and it instantly catches fire. Pitch casually tosses the paper into the living room.

Can’t deliver presents to a burned down house!

Nope, Santa decides to come in the window instead. Pitch is so enthralled to see Santa burn his hands, he doesn’t notice Santa come in and set up a Cannon behind him until Santa Blows his ass off!

Okay, it was a toy cannon that only shot Pitch in the ass with a dart. Still incredibly dangerous, but it was 1959 and we had kids to spare.

Santa goes to the rich boy, speaks to him in his dream, then makes the parents drink a highly volatile drink that makes them realize they miss their son and go home. End of his story. Until his parents get shot dead in an alley and he fights crime dressed up as a flying rodent.

PIGEON MAN!

Ahem. So the three young criminals are plotting with Pitch to take down Santa with a trip wire. Santa thwarts them by FLYING THROUGH LIKE A BURNING FIREBALL! Santa leaves the boys coal in their shoes and Pitch makes the boys turn on each other. End of their story.

Pitch then tries to steal the sleigh, but the robo reindeer don’t obey him. So Pitch simply cuts the bag holding Santa’s sleep powder and invisible flower.

Santa then goes to a house with a dog outside. Without the powder to make the dog go to sleep, Santa gets chased up a tree. Pitch then convinces the family inside that their is an intruder outside and to bring the guns and call the police. Pitch also calls the fire department and using his demon breath, makes fire burst out the other end of the phone!

The fire department says its a five alarm fire. I think when flames start bursting through the phone lines, you have to change your ranking of fires to the One Punch Threat Levels. This is Threat Level Dragon fire level at least.

So with the police, fire department, an angry family with guns, and a Single dog about to bear down on Santa, all appears lost. Merlin pulls a Jeff Goldblum and starts linking words together and suggests Santa use a toy cat to chase the dog away. It works and Santa gets away. Pitch gets blasted with the fire hose and is thwarted.

Santa is out of time, but manages to make one last run to give Lupita the doll she wanted. Santa then flies back to his castle in the sky. Oh, Lupita’s father came home lamenting that he couldn’t find a job, but hey, Lupita has a doll.

This is just an insane movie. Santa Claus isn’t a very popular figure in Mexico, so the basics that we have here in the States just aren’t that well known. As a result, instead of the North Pole and Elves, you have floating castles in space and enslaved children from across the globe. Instead of the power of non-belief and corrupt business men trying to destroy Santa, you have the literal Devil.

There is just some unrestrained Nightmare Fuel in this film, but I would recommend checking it out with Rifftrax. Might be a good time.

Next Time: Well, This Christmas is finally over. And I managed to finish it all in the allotted time frame, just like the Spirits in A Christmas Carol.

Unless the time stamps screw up and say that I posted this in February or some nonsense. Mark Zuckerberg would certainly send a personal letter of apology detailing why such a thing was allowed to happen.

In 2019, I don’t know how often I’ll do the bad pictures thing. I have some big plans for October, but I don’t have anything planned for the interim. I’ll keep you posted.

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

He-Man and She-Ra A Christmas Special

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special

To begin with, I didn’t watch He-Man as a kid. I was just never really into the concept. Robots that transform into cars. Sweet. Turtles that are also ninjas. Awesome. A muscular guy using a sword to transform into a slightly more muscular guy and lose most of his clothing in exchange for a deeper voice? Nah. I prefer my voice drops to come from ancient puzzles and used primarily to win children’s card games.

So unfortunately I’m kind of ignorant on whether the batshit insanity is from this being a Christmas special or just standard batshit insanity.

The story begins with the royal court of Eternia and Etheria combining to celebrate the birthday of He-Man and She-Ra. While everyone else is decorating, Prince Adam and Man at Arms are putting the final touches on a Rocket ship to spy on Skeletor.

Orko decides to get on the rocket and accidentally launches the ship. He then has to get a job at Higbees to pay back Man At Arms for the damage. Oh wait, I’m getting my notes mixed up with Christmas Story 2. Orko flies around for a bit as the opening credits play.

Skeletor’s ship comes across Orko’s ship and decides to attack it. He-Man and She-Ra decide to attack Skeletor’s ship and take it out. Orko panics and ends up teleporting the whole ship to Earth.

We briefly cut to He-man and Man at Arms discussing a way to find the ship and then have a jarring cut to Orko’s Ship crash landing on earth. Orko finds a couple kids lost in the mountains and brings them to the ship to stay warm. The children then tell them the story of Christmas.

Meanwhile, Man at Arms says he found the ship, but to bring it back, he needs a special Crystal not found on Eternia. She-Ra goes to fetch it and after fighting off a Beast-Monster(I think it was a placeholder name, but then they remembered they were writing for He-Man and She-Ra and put a hypen in and called it a day), recovers the crystal and then is attacked by Decepticons!

Oh wait, they are called Monstroids. Damnit, just got screwed out of an EPIC Crossover. She-Ra trys to fly away but the Monstroids shoot her with a. . . bubble laser? The Monstroids then transform and leave her there? Why did you shoot her if you were just going to leave her behind?

At least they left her trapped in an unbreakable bubble that can only be destroyed by a magic sword engulfed in fire.

What do you mean She-Ra has a magic sword engulfed in fire?!? Well, she uses that to escape and gets the Crystal to Man At Arms. Man at Arms uses the teleporter to transport Zwerking to the north pole to help save Santa from losing his company to Snavely. DAMNIT!(shuffles papers again) Man at Arms uses the beam to recover Orko from Earth.

Orko just finished hearing the story of christmas when the glowing light of the transport beam appears nearby. Orko decides that instead of hoping the children find their way home on Earth, to take them to another freaking dimension(galaxy? Universe?).

Man at Arms says he can teleport them back in a few days. The kids are worried they will miss Christmas. Nobody cares that the Parents on Earth will be freaking the hell out!

Meanwhile, Horde Prime(Are you SURE this isn’t a Transformers crossover?) senses the Christmas spirit has entered his realm and summons Skeletor and Hordak to kidnap the children. And Skeletor and Hordak set their differences aside and decide to embark on a coordinated effort to kidnap the children.

No, of course they don’t, the bicker and get in each others way. Hordak manages to kidnap the children first using retractor beams and freeze rays from his . . . Helicopter Dildo Ship.

So Hordak flies off with the children, until the Monstroids attack. The lead monstroid reaches up and grabs the Shaft of the Helicopter Dildo Ship and yanks it down.

Screw you I’m milking this for all it’s worth.

That was also intentional.

The Monstroids steal the children from Hordak. For some reason. I don’t know why. But the children are soon rescued by. . . The Manchines? How many factions are in this damn show?!?

The manchines are apparently the enemies of the Monstroids- okay, did you try to get a Transformers/Masters of the Universe crossover and it just didn’t work out or what?!?

The Monstroids are like 50 feet tall and the manchines are the same size as the children. He-Man and She-Ra show up but are largely not needed because the manchines go full Ewok on the Monstroids and wipe them OUT. Well everyone is distracted, Skeletor steals the kids.

Skeletor doesn’t get far before Hordak shoots him out of the sky. Skeletor starts to force march the children to Horde Prime, but the children are too cold. So Skeletor uses his magic to summon coats for the children. The Christmas spirit is starting to infect Skeletor, so when a whompa attacks, Skeletor defends the children. Then Hordak attacks with his Army. Fortunately He-Man and She-Ra show up.

Then Horde Prime shows up in his ship and uses a claw machine. . .claw to kidnap the children. But Skeletor decides he MUST SAVE THE CHILDREN and blasts Horde Prime out of the sky!

The children thank Skeletor and He-Man and She-Ra return the children home. After giving them flight belts as presents. So the children get home to their parents and-holy shit, is their dad Ron Jeremy?!? Have fun tearing down your missing posters, kids!

So yeah, I’m not sure how much is just standard fare for this show, but all in all it’s not bad. I write most of it off as this is the way the shows are, so I’m more forgiving of this than the Star Wars special which has no real semblance if Star Wars. If you like He-Man or She-Ra, this may be a good watch, but if you don’t then this will get you nowhere.

Tomorrow: So we’ve had a couple movies without a Santa Claus, so lets see if we can go a year without one.

The Star Wars Holiday Special

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: The Star Wars Holiday Special

The holiday special that lives in infamy. Spoken about in hushed tones and irreverent whispers. This aired in 1978, one year after the original Star Wars was released. This is technically the second Star Wars film.

And it has never been officially released since its first airing. The only reason anybody can watch it now is because somebody decided to hit record on their VCR. As a result, we still have the commercials. So i watched 2 hours of 1970’s television tonight.

So the basic story is Han Solo is trying to get Chewbacca back home to his family to celebrate Life Day, the Wookie holiday that was covered up by the Pagan Holidays, that were later covered up by Christmas. Because Han and Chewy are Rebel Scum, the Empire decides to make it difficult.

We spend most of the special at Chewbacca’s home meeting his wife, Mala, his son, Lumpy, and his father, Itchy. If I was Mala, I would bail HARD on a family where all the names are Chewy, Lumpy, and Itchy. I bet they fought HARD over the naming of their kid.

So we spend about 10 minutes of the Wookie family interacting in Shryiiwook. And because the party line is not to translate Shryiiwook, we just have about 15 minutes or so of Wookies growling at each other and miming at each other to try and get the message across. And I can tell you, having to sit through 30 minutes of growling charades will drive you mad. Finally after about 45 minutes of just wookiespeak, we finally get the first english speaker.

The wookies are concerned that Chewbacca hasn’t arrived yet, so we get a video call to Luke Skywalker, who is wearing just WAY too much makeup. His face looks weird, all I’m gonna say. Then they call Art Carney, who is selling an imperial guard a laser beard trimmer that also does his taxes. Art Carney speaks in code, calling Chewbacca a carpet shipment.

Isn’t that really offensive? I get Princess Leia calling him that in the first movie, she was annoyed and being hurtful. But I would think comparing a wookie to carpet for the sake of another wookie would result in somebody’s arms getting torn off.

So another call is made to Leia and everyone is concerned that Chewy hasn’t shown up yet.

So Mala decides to take her mind off it by watching Harvey Korman in drag blackface doing a cooking show. Itchy decides to watch porn. Lumpy decides to watch a circus show. Oh and the running theme of all these is that they go on for way too long.

Then the empire shows up and starts tearing stuff up. Art Carney distracts them briefly with a hologram of Jefferson Starship. Lumpy watches a cartoon of his dad meeting Boba Fett for the first time.

Boba Fett starts out looking like a good guy at first, helping Luke Skywalker fight off a jelly dinosaur. However, Luke and Han both come down with some sickness, and Boba Fett and Chewbacca head into town to buy the cure, when it is revealed that Boba Fett is working for Darth Vader.

An Imperial Officer sees Lumpy on the computer and comes over to investigate and Lumpy quickly switches to his homework. Lumpy’s Alt+Tab game is on POINT. With the Officer gone, Lumpy switches back to the cartoon.

So Chewbacca and Boba Fett have the cure, and suddenly find themselves under attack by storm troopers. Boba Fett shoots back at them very wide. Chewbacca yanks Boba Fett’s blaster away and kills the Stormtroopers in one shot. Chewbacca and Boba Fett arrive back at the Falcon and After curing Luke and Han, the droids reveal that Boba Fett is working for Vader. Boba Fett then decides to just. . . leave.

Why didn’t Fett just kill Chewy and not cure Luke and Han? There are so many ways Boba Fett could have won this scenerio, but he takes his, “I’m helping,” act way to far and does more good than harm.

With the cartoon done, the Imperial officers watch a special video of Tatooine to show people how good they’ve got it by NOT living on Tatooine. Literally, that is their reasoning. Bea Arthur apparently runs a bar on Tatooine and due to a curfew imposed by the Empire, she has to shut down her bar for a while. She gets one musical number in before she shuts down though.

Lumpy then decides to watch an instructional video starring Harvey Korman wearing Android face. He badly explains how to set up a transmitter. Again, this goes on for way too long. This allows Lumpy to send a fake signal to the Imperial officers that they need to return to base. They leave one Stormtrooper behind.

This stormtrooper finds Lumpy using the transmitter. At this time Han and Chewy show up and. . . the Stormtrooper trips over some wood and falls to his death.

Useless, the lot of them.

So the wookies are all together and they gather their crystal balls, put on their red robes and walk into the light. There all the wookies are gathered and Leia sings a traditional Life Day song. Then we end on Chewbacca’s family sitting around a table peacefully thinking about all the cool scenes from Star Wars. The end.

This is on its surface a weird show. However, you kind of have to have an idea of where it is coming from. In the 70’s, Variety shows were really popular, and Star Wars was only a year old. So this was not too far out from a standard variety show finding excuses for musical numbers, sketches, and cartoons while using the big name big money actors as little as possible while also having a bunch of guest stars. The main problem is that it has almost NOTHING to do with Star Wars. There is no action, adventure, or story.

But honestly, it was not as much of a chore to sit through as the last two movies, so check it out. If nothing else to cross it off your list.

Tomorrow: We do another TV Christmas Special, but this is less to do with a Galaxy Far Far Away and more to do with the Universe!

Santa and Sons and Daughter

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: Santa and Sons and Daughter

Sorry this was late, been a busy few days. I could cut this all short, but there are still several movies on the list I want to do, so I am invoking the 12 days of Christmas, which means Christmas doesn’t end until January 6th. So yay! Deadline extension!

On to the review!

So this movie was watched in 2 sittings. We started it on Sunday and I called it about an hour in because I needed to go to sleep. Or something. Today we finally had some time to finish off this movie.

Yeah. . . there was some very good reasons we didn’t jump right back into the show.

So Santa, due to modern times and population boom, has become incorporated and works with his sons(and daughter) to advance the operation. However, an evil businessman named Snavely tricks one of Santa’s sons into signing a contract granting him full ownership of Santa’s likeness and operations, unless Santa pays him 20 Billion dollars. In the fine print obviously.

Snavely, being corrupt large and small, is also trying to evict an inventor named Zwerking(everyone mishears it as Working, for jokes) who is trying to make a videogame called the Santa-Matic. The game requires a special chip that Snavely’s company makes to work. Santa pulls a solid and gives them the chip. The game eventually works. It has no impact on the plot.

Santa’s Daughter visits Zwerking to assist with the chip problem and finds out that Zwerking has also invented a teleporter and disintegrator(which was supposed to be a second version of the teleporter). BUT THE INVENTION THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO PREVENT HIS EVICTION WAS THE VIDEO GAME!

So Santa’s Daughter falls in love with Zwerking and vice versa. Over the period of a few days. Oh and he also proposes. And she accepts. After having only met a few days ago.

Oh by the way, Santa’s daughter is over 500 years old. And this is the first non-elf male she has met that is not family.

So Santa’s eldest son takes Zwerking to see Snavely using Santa’s Sleigh and his “Invisible Reindeer”. I’m never quite sure whether the Reindeer are actually invisible or if there are no reindeer and the Son is just messing with him. There are conflicting signs. Either way, when they take off, Zwerking’s son and an elf stow away in back.

While Zwerking and SantaSon try to talk to Snavely, the elf and Zwerking’s son get out of the sleigh and break the teleporter somehow. They fix it with gum. However, when Zwerking and SantaSon return to the sleigh, the boys decide not to get back in and let them fly away.

Snavely and his mother get into a helicopter and try to follow Santa’s Sleigh, but Snavely’s mother sees Zwerking’s son and the elf about to be attacked by the invisible mountain lions from Birdemic and decides to save them. Snavely decides to kidnap the boy and elf and steal the teleporter. Snavely also ended up stealing the disintegrator.

So Snavely changes into NegaSanta and storms the North Pole. Santa comes out to fight Snavely Claus. Snavely uses the disintegrator on Santa and Santa. . . INVOKES THE POWER OF ODIN TO UNDO SNAVELY’S SOUL?!? Did this just become the awesomest of Christmas movies?!?

Nope, it is stupid. Snavely has most of his essence wiped away, and now because of all the delays, everyone has to chip in and help deliver presents. The end.

This movie is stupid. It has cheap effects, terrible actors, a nonsense plot that goes nowhere, and to make this even worse, it’s a musical! All the songs suck and you are just waiting for them to freaking END!

Spare yourselves. Get drunk on eggnog and pass not this way again.

Tomorrow: I’m going to be celebrating Christmas with my family(due to schedules, we had to delay our gift exchange) so I will be granting them the choice of a holiday mangling of a beloved series, or a live action mangling of a beloved cartoon.

How the Wrong Brothers Saved Christmas

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: How the Wrong Brothers Saved Christmas

. . . I don’t even know how to describe this.

So Santa’s best adviser dies. This hits Santa hard, so Santa hits his sleigh hard. . . right into the ground killing all his reindeer.

He then hits the nog hard. Which he gets into a vicious cycle of drinking egg nog and vomiting all over himself.

We then cut to the Wrong brothers. One of them collides with a guy and they accidentally swap packages. Turns out the guy was a terrorist.

Why do these no budget movies always default to terrorist angles?

So the Wrong Brothers both start hitting on the same girl. One offers a box of chocolates that contains half of one chocolate and a lighter. The other brother gives her a bomb.

One explosion later(due to a tripping incident, no one died), the brothers are commiserating over donuts. The terrorist on the other hand trys to use the “bomb” to blow up himself and a christmas tree. After several attempts, he just kicks the box and a bunch of panties pop out.

Seriously? Your “thoughtful gift” was about 20 pairs of underwear? At least one pair edible?

We then cut to . . . Ugh. . Eye-Sis, where the terrorist leader does weird dance routines while killing hostages in varying ways. It’s also revealed that under his mask he is wearing pink lipstick. The terrorist with the panties calls to report his failure and he is told he is being denied a suicide bombing and is kicked out of the club.

The wrong brothers find the terrorist guy as he is eating the edible panties in remorse and freely confessing his crimes and life story. The Wrong Brothers realize he believes they are FBI(because they are wearing suits) and decide to torture him for information.

Again, realizing that he actually already told them everything freely, they just tell him to go north.

Cut back to the north pole and one elf decides to upgrade Santa’s sleigh to get Santa out of his funk.

So now we have the terrorist walking through the north pole while the Wrong Brothers are in a hot tub, bragging to a couple of girls about how they are Heroes . . . while the girls are outside of the hot tub, fully dressed.

I’m not sure the Wrong Brothers know how to use Hot Tubs to get chicks.

Anywho, Santa Runs over the terrorist with his new jet powered sleigh. Amazingly the terrorist isn’t dead. But apparently the terrorist has tools and a good resume, so he is hired as an elf and is so good, all the other elves have time to do Yoga with Santa.

And by other elves, I mean the same video of a guy copy and pasted 30 times. One elf is apparently sick of Santa’s depression and hits him with a snowball. Then ALL the elves hit Santa with snowballs. This apparently cures Santa’s depression and he shows this by. . . turning into a ball of light and shooting into space before coming back down and everyone breakdancing?

This is a 45 minute movie and there is still half left. WHY IS THERE STILL HALF LEFT?!?

So the former terrorist sends the Wrong Brothers christmas presents and thanks them for their help. He gives them each a turban that grant them the ability to fly through space.

They come across a police officer who snaps a guy’s skateboard for skateboarding in a no skateboarding zone. They kick the officer over, give him a wedgie and fly off with him. They eventually drop him off in the land of donuts.

I don’t know, you tell me.

The Wrong Brothers eventually fly off to the Amazon planet in the PantieOff galaxy. And the credits roll. As the credits are rolling a music video is playing in the background and all the actors names are spelled out in panties.

So that’s the e- why are there 8 minutes left?

F***! Okay, so they are now just in their turbans and yellow speedos, and they fly to the Amazon planet. There they are flocked by women.

6 weeks later. Women are lined up in wedding dresses and they approach an aztec pyramid. There we find that the Amazon women trick men to fly out to this planet so they can stick them in tubes and drain them of sperm until they die in a violent explosion.

Now it’s the true end. Thank GOD!

This is the equivalent of the Worst Horror Movie Ever Made except only 45 minutes long and without the porn. But it is a LONG and painful 45 minutes. I don’t recommend it. It is just too damn stupid.

Tomorrow: So, since we can’t stand the Brothers, maybe we should give the sons and daughter a try.

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

Oh my god.

This was the movie that this list was made for.

The opening credits are played over elves assembling toys for the children. What’s funny is they list that the “Kids” are provided by Ruth Foreman’s Pied Piper Playhouse. Why is Kids in quotes? Are they not real kids? Can they not legally be called kids due to the mutations?

The elves notice that the Reindeer have returned, but Santa is not with them. They act concerned for a minute, but then shrug and say it will work itself out.

Really a proactive bunch. No wonder they don’t make the deliveries.

Santa’s sleigh apparently got stuck in the sand on a beach in Florida. And by stuck, I mean it is sitting on the sand and has a bit of sand piled over the bottom rails. His Reindeer tried to pull him out, but they grew too hot and apparently just abandoned Santa to his beached death. Santa apparently has no idea what to do so he sings a song. Then he psychically calls a bunch of nearby children to him. He calls most of them by name, except one group of girls he just calls “Girls” and then the last girl he just calls “Kid.”

Huckleberry Finn and Tom Swayer apparently hear the call of Santa too and bring their Raft ashore to spy on Santa from the bushes. They never do anything else throughout the entire movie. And why the hell are they in Florida? Didn’t they mainly ride around on the Mississippi River? I may not be too good at Geography, but I’m pretty damn sure the Mississippi River doesn’t connect to Florida!

The “kids” come to him and he tells them his plight. They then run off to find a bunch of animals to do what 12 reindeer could not. The first girl shows up with a Gorilla.

Someone wrote that down in the script. They had productions meetings about this. They made sure to have a Gorilla costume on hand for this scene. They hired someone to put on the Gorilla costume. Money was invested into this scene. There was a shot list written out to include “The Gorilla Scene.” They shot this scene multiple times from multiple angles.

WHO IN THE BLUE CRAP THOUGHT THIS WAS A WORTHWHILE SCENE?!?

(Sigh) so the Gorilla attempts to pull the Sleigh out and can’t do it. We then have children bring a cow, a sheep, a horse, a donkey, and all to no avail. Santa decides to tell the children the tale of Jack and the Beanstalk.

Now we get around to why this movie exists. The producer wanted to air a couple of Fairy Tail movies directed by another director, but wanted to show them during Christmas. So he filmed a wrap around story and then just inserted the other two films into this movie. So there are actually two different versions of this film. One with Thumbelina, and the other with Jack and the Beanstalk(the one we have here).

The Jack and the Beanstalk story is fine. It has better singing and slightly higher production values, but is still bad. It’s your standard story, so I’ll skip over it.

When Santa is done with the story, all the kids abandon him. Just as Santa has resolved himself to his death, the children return on a firetruck driven by the Ice Cream Bunny!

Why is he called the ice cream bunny? F*** if I know. He never gives anyone Ice Cream. He’s not made of Ice Cream. He never even talks, he just nods his head oddly and occasionally his eye will go droopy.

He gives Santa a ride in his Firetruck, and apparently that fire truck is able to get to the north pole from Florida in about three minutes. As soon as Santa is back in the North Pole, the sled instantly teleports out of the sand to the North Pole.

WHAT?!? THAT’S ALL YOU HAD TO DO? Why the hell didn’t you ride one of the reindeer back? I’ve seen people do it all the time in other Christmas movies! Just hop on and go! Or if that’s all it took, leave the damn sleigh and go find help instead of spending several days on the beach dying of heat stroke!

This movie is stupid but I recommend you track down a Rifftrax copy, because the few parts I’ve seen of the Rifftrax is damn hilarious! This movie needs to be seen to be believed, but again, don’t go in unprotected.

Tomorrow: Well, if you can’t get the Right brothers to save Christmas. . .

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever

Otherwise known as Lampshade: The Movie.

So back in 2014, Lifetime decided to bank on the popularity of Internet Meme “Grumpy Cat.” However they blew all their “knowing what the f*** they’re doing” on hiring Aubrey Plaza. That carries a LOT of the film, but not enough.

The movie opens with Grumpy Cat describing her life in the pet store when a 12 year old in a suit walks in and threatens to shut the pet store down unless the store owner can pay their back rent. The pet store owner says he will turn the cat into a meme and make millions!

Yeah, they rewrite that scene and make it about a dog being worth a million dollars. And he has a buyer, so the store is saved!

Well, that was short, check it out!

Tomorrow: Guess we’ll go with a longer mo- oh, never mind, that was just the set up. Sigh, more movie.

So they introduce the girl of the film, Crystal, who has no friends because the only 3 girls she knows are jerks. So she hangs out at the pet store all day.

Next they introduce the lame security Guard, George. He tries to hit on the mall staff and over inflate his own importance. Like all Security Guards in film. Based on movies, Security Guards are literally the WORST! Except for corrections officers, because according to movies and television, NO ONE is worse than a corrections officer. Corrupt assholes.

Anywho, we then introduce the villains of the film, Zack and Donny. They are musicians who plan to steal the million dollar dog for a tour bus and band equipment.

But before we can get into that, Crystal meets a Mall Santawho is filling in for this mall’s Santa. He gives Crystal a magic coin that he bought online, and she makes a wish. Crystal wishes for a friend. As a result, Crystal can now hear Grumpy Cat talk. Everyone thinks she is crazy, but only enough to look at her funny and not actually commit her.

So Crystal breaks into the pet store after hours to talk privately with Grumpy cat. At the same time, the musicians break into the mall, tie up George the Security Guard, and then break into the Pet Shop. They steal the dog but forget the car keys. Crystal steals their car keys and the chase is on!

Crystal sneaks into the sporting goods store and when the musicians follow, she starts pelting them with paint balls. For cemedic effect, Grumpy Cat has her own paintball gun and is blasting away at them.

One of the musicians grabs a bow and arrow AND. . . promptly shoots himself in the foot. While they are distracted by the arrow, Crystal escapes with the dog and grumpy cat.

Crystal goes to the security booth and unties poor George. Because the robbers disconnected the phone lines and took his cell phone, they are going to walk to the nearest police station to report the crime.

They get right to the door of the mall before George’s cellphone rings, revealing THAT HE IS IN ON THE WHOLE PLOT! Because reasons. He is apparently the devilish mastermind behind the mall robbery and his whole demeanor was a simple ruse.

He ties up Crystal and threatens to put Grumpy cat in the trash compactor if Crystal doesn’t tell him where the car keys are. She gives them up and while the musicians track down the car keys she hid, grumpy cat lets all the pet shop animals out of their cages and they manage to free Crystal and briefly attack George before he escapes with the dog.

Crystal uses George’s dropped phone to call her mother, who in turn calls the police.

Grumpy cat and Crystal chase after George and the musicians but realize they will never catch them in time on foot. So they steal the Camaro that is sitting in the middle of the mall(with apparently a full tank of gas and the keys in the visor) and despite Crystal having never driven before, she drives circles around the musicians car. They eventually line up and play a game of chicken. The musician’s car crashes into a security booth and the Camaro stops just short of hitting the christmas tree, but does launch a fake grumpy cat into the tree.

The villains are arrested, the dog is sold, the store is saved, and Crystal’s mother adopts Grumpy Cat. The end.

Honestly, as a movie, it kind of sucks. But it was absolutely saved in post. If you just had the story itself of a girl and her talking cat thwarting a dog theft, it sucks. However, you have Aubrey Plaza as Grumpy Cat running commentary on the entire movie and it actually is pretty funny. The biggest, stupidest twist in the movie is the security guy being the bad guy. It comes out of nowhere and is just so stupid.

Despite that, I recommend it. It’s a fun little watch, so check it out.

Tomorrow: So, I don’t have any free dog related Christmas movies to segue into. . . how about a bunny?