Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Re-mastered!: Miracle on 34th Street


14. Miracle on 34th Street

Bite me, I like the remake more than the original.

This will generally always be the case for movies that came out during my childhood as opposed to movies that came out decades before I was born. There are plenty of movie reviewers who uphold the original classics over the “terrible remakes,” but that isn’t me. When I saw Miracle on 34th Street, that was the ONLY Miracle on 34th Street. When I then saw the original, I was bored, because black and white is boring. Or at least when the option of color is there.

I can just relate more to the modern version than the original.

And honestly, this has one of my FAVORITE portrayals of Santa Clause-DAMNIT Claus! He is wholesome and kind, but, like Kirk Cameron’s St. Nicholas, he is willing to lay the smackdown on someone who dares defame the image of Santa.

One thing about this, compared to say, The Santa Clause, is that there could legitimately be no Santa in this world. However, the man playing Santa in this refuses to break character and destroy the faith of children, regardless of who demands it of him. It doesn’t matter whether he is ACTUALLY Santa or not. For me he IS my image of Santa.

You know, before returning to his regular job of creating an island of Dinosaurs.

Next Time: More remakes, with a surprisingly little known film considering it stars Keanu Reeves and Drew Barrymore.

Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!: The Grinch


15. The Grinch

The original animated version is fine, but I enjoy this much more, personally. I quote this all the time. Hell, I even quote deleted scenes.

That first deleted scene with the Shopping scene is one of my favorites, I wish they would have left it in. Then everyone would know it instead of just people who obsessively watched all the special features on the dvd.

The original cartoon in my opinion was very cut and dry. The Grinch was bad, the Whos were good, end of story. In the end I just found it kind of boring. I like my characters to have more depth instead of just cardboard cut outs.

Yeah, I get it. However this is largely due to timing when it comes to watching these movies. This movie came out when I was a kid. Originally when I saw the Grinch cartoon, I liked it like everyone else. But then I saw the Grinch movie and loved it. I liked that the Grinch wasn’t a 100% bad guy and that his hatred of the Whos and Christmas were kind of justified. Cause the Whos were dicks and the holiday was just a festival of presents. In the end EVERYONE learns a lesson, not just teaching the Grinch he was wrong. So it became difficult for me to still enjoy a cartoon that painted everyone with broad strokes.

Now as far as my thoughts and comparisons of the New New Grinch movie, you can read them here.

Uhm, the new one was just okay and didn’t make sense why the Grinch continued to steal presents after meeting Cindy Lou Who.

Note to self: go back and finish review of The Grinch 2018 (puts note on top of to-do list of King’s Halloween, Thankskilling 2, and Dark Universe)

Next Time: Speaking of remakes about restoring faith. . .

Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!: The Home Alone Trilogy


16. The Home Alone trilogy

This is probably gonna get me some grief.

Home Alone is a classic. A kid gets left at home by his family and then has to defend the home from a couple of burglers. Wacky hijinks ensue and then includes just enough heartwarming scenes at the end to make everyone forget that the entire family is just awful.

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York is also really manipulative well done. Same kid from the first movie ditches his family and flies off to new york, stays in a ridiculously expensive hotel room, and then thwarts off getting murdered. Again, with some heartwarming scenes.

Home Alone 3 is where I lose everybody.

New kid, New Criminals, New Family.

This time the kid isn’t abandoned by his family, he gets the chicken pox and has to stay home while his family is out of the house attending school and work. He accidentally comes into possession of military technology due to the criminals hiding the chip in a toy car and accidentally getting bags swapped with the kid’s neighbor. The neighbor having no use for a toy car gives it to the kid, because he shoveled her driveway. You know, because he is a good kid. Unlike the psychopath in the other two movies. Oh and this kid also contacts the authorities when he discovers the military tech. This takes longer than it should to result in the authorities arriving, but hey nobody died.

Also, the parrot in this movie is f***ing amazing. Out terrorists a terrorist.

Yes, it is nowhere near as good as the first two, but overall, I still enjoy watching it from time to time, and have probably seen it more times and more recently than the other two.

(What about Home Alone 4 and 5?)

Next Time: When you’re out to steal Christmas though. . .

Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!: A Christmas Story


17. A Christmas Story

I’m throwing this in early because it is SO DAMN OBVIOUS, that building up the suspense is silly.

My mother HATES this movie, as a result, I love it. Or maybe cause and effect are reversed.

Drink more Ovaltine.

I can’t put down my arms.

You’ll shoot your eye out!

OH FFFFFFUUUUUDGE(except I didn’t say fudge!)

Hell, this entire post could just be quoting the entire movie out of sequence. Good idea for the comments section.

This movie was a cult classic that is kind of getting beaten to death. One of the consequences of Nerd culture becoming mainstream is that things are becoming less special. Yes, I will always fight for things I love to be enjoyed by a wider audience, but when that comes at the cost of marketing everything out without understanding what was good about it in the first place, it loses something.

All you need to do is look at the Sequel(s), the musical, the “Live” musical, the 24 hour repeat on TBS, and the f***ing phone ads to see that they are trying to kill it.

Though, it being Christmas, that is what we tend to do. I still enjoy it. It is a nice wholesome reflection of what it is like to be a kid waiting for Christmas and trying to follow what you think the rules are.

Next Time: Sticking to children. Hehe Sticky.

Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!: Eight Crazy Nights


18. Eight Crazy Nights

So, in going back and pulling these reviews, I found out that I actually tried to do my favorite Holiday movies 2 years in a row. I posted like 4 movies in 2015, and then I did the full on list in 2016. Awkward. In 2015 I posted this review on the 8th because Hanukkah was starting. In 2016 I posted it because Hanukkah was on the 24th, which was my birthday, and I wasn’t having it. My apologies to the Hebrew People.

This is one of the movies that makes this more of a holiday list than a Christmas list. They celebrate Christmas in it, too though.

A lot of people dislike this movie, but I think it’s great. I for one enjoy the songs and most of the jokes work for me. Not to mention the animation is fantastic.

This was released back when I was young enough to believe Adam Sandler could do no wrong. Clearly I’ve moved past that, but those movies I enjoyed then I still enjoy now, so bleh.

I know it ranks pretty damn low for everyone else, but damnit, the jokes are funny, the songs are enjoyable, and the deer are. . . Alright, the deer are f***ing disgusting, but I stand by everything else in this movie!

Seriously, What the hell, Adam?

Next Time: My mom read this post and now I have to find Lifebuoy Soap.

Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!: Die Hard


19. Die Hard

Because F*** You, It’s Die Hard!

Oh right, HD-Remastered and on Long Damn Reviews. Crap.

I was late to the Die Hard game. Live Free Die Hard was actually about to come out when I saw Die Hard. I can’t remember 100% whether I saw Die Hard then Live Free Die Hard or vice versa, but I would reasonably guess that me being me, I would have watched them in order.

And yes of course, I thought it was awesome!

As far as the sequels go, I thought Die Hard 2 was just okay. Die Hard with a Vengeance was great, but not Christmas related, Live Free Die Hard was good, but needed the R rating, and I haven’t seen the Russian one.

Now, there is an argument online about whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie. Obviously, because it is on my Holiday list, I MUST believe it is a Christmas movie, right?

I say, technically it is. It checks all the boxes. Takes place during Christmas. Has Christmas music. Main character makes a santa pun. Even has a couple get back together, which is common in holiday movies.

And I am willing to let things in on a technicality. However, it had to be pointed out to me that it was a Christmas movie. Honestly, in my heart of hearts I don’t see it as a Christmas movie, it is an action movie that takes place during Christmas. I don’t get the heartwarming feeling of Christmas while watching this movie, I just get the Yippee Ki Yay, MotherF***er, It’s DIE HARD feeling. Hell, even Reindeer Games had a heartwarming Christmas ending, but hey, IT’S DIE HARD!

Next Time: F*** You, It’s Hannukah.

Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!: Ernest Saves Christmas


20. Ernest Saves Christmas

This has probably been a staple of many people’s Christmas classics for a long time, but only recently has it become one of mine. The one who really got me into this movie was Nostalgia Critic, with his hilarious review of the film. I can’t watch it now without mentally implanting some of the gags from the review.

I watched several of the Ernest movies as a kid, but they mostly all melded together. It becomes confusing to know what I actually watched and what I just assume I saw.

Seriously, no gif? It’s just sitting there! Whatever. . .

So Santa has decided to pass on the mantle of Santa Claus, but Ernest accidentally steals his magic bag. This results in Santa getting arrested. This is what happens when you go out in public asking people about your sack.

Ernest breaks Santa out of Jail and sneaks him onto a Movie set in order to convince one of the actors to become Santa. In the process, Santa assaults the director. This strangely doesn’t get a return to jail.

When all hope seems lost, Ernest doubles down on stealing stuff and steals Santa’s sleigh. The flying sleigh and reindeer go a lot further in convincing the actor to become Santa than an old man talking about his magic sack.

So Ernest nearly wrecks Christmas by stealing a sack, but saves it by stealing the sleigh. Hey, worked for Tim Allen.

Honestly, what drives this movie more than ANYTHING is the old man playing Santa. He is just so heartwarming and just everything you want Santa to be. Even willing to throw a punch once and a while.

Next Time: Now for someone who REALLY knows how to save Christmas

Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!: Arthur Christmas


21. Arthur Christmas

This is a Christmas film that came and went without a whole lot of notice. I missed it in Theaters, even though I was looking forward to it based on just an awesome teaser trailer. I watched it on demand a few years back and thought it was awesome.

It’s basically the story of 3 generations of the Claus family and reluctance to pass the torch to the next generation and for the right reasons. The current Santa, with the help of his eldest son, have turned the delivery of presents into a full scale military operation with Elves going in the middle of the night like mission impossible to deliver presents. The problem is, one present is missed and then all hell breaks loose with everyone trying to deliver the last present and the conflict between generations of the best way to deliver it.

It’s just a lot of fun and at the same time fairly heartwarming. Just like a Christmas movie should be.

I don’t have a lot to add. This post I seemed to have gotten right the first time. Here, have a gif wrapped polar bear.

Next Time: Sticking with the theme of passing on the mantle of Santa. . .

Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!: The Santa ClausE


22. The Santa ClausE

Taking a page out of On a Pale Horse, the office of Santa Claus is transferable to the man that murders him. You’d think that would have been Jack Frost’s go to move in the third movie, but no, a convoluted plot with Snow Globes was the better attack plan. Clearly.

This movie is the staple of most Millennial childhoods. You know what is weird about movies that HAVE a Santa Claus? That children get presents from Santa, but apparently both parents just have an unspoken bond that they both believe the other parent got the presents and never brought it up. This movie is apparently willing to send a kid to counseling because he still believes in Santa. What the hell?!?

So I have to fault this movie for screwing up my spelling of Santa Claus. I honestly don’t think I had the correct spelling of Santa Claus until college or later. I kept putting in the E at the end, not aware of the joke. Didn’t help that I didn’t really know what a legal clause was.

One thing I noticed during a re-watch, Tim Allen always gets cast in these heartwarming family movies, but he always starts out playing a VERY convincing self centered jerk to start out. Yes he learns his lessons in the end, but it amazes me how he got so typecast for family friendly.

(Runs a brief check to see if the other Santa ClausE movies are on the list)

Nope, alright, so I can discuss the sequels without stomping on a later post.

Santa Clause 2: I enjoy this one, except it feels like 2 different movies. And honestly I remember it as two different movies. Santa needs to find a Mrs. Clause and -DAMNIT I MEAN CLAUS! Ugh, So he needs to find a Mrs. Claus and deal with his son who is now on the Naughty list. Then you have this whole OTHER movie in which Robo-Santa decides to take over Christmas while Santa is out and when Santa returns he has to battle an army of Toy Soldiers to reclaim his North Pole.

And due to Santa Clause 2 coming out 3 years after Futurama’s “X-Mas Story,” we know EXACTLY who ripped off who.

Futurama ripped off Santa Clause 2, because Futurama takes place in the year 3000.

Santa Clause 3 was garbage. Pure. Simple. Done.

Next Time: Not to mention, ELF Team Six was badass, but gets COMPLETELY outclassed by our next team of military coordinated Elves.

Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!: Reindeer Games


23. Reindeer Games

Yeah, probably not what you’d call a GOOD movie, and has in some spots just some weird twists, but hey, I like it, and it’s my damn list.

Ben Affleck plays a car thief who is two days away from retireme- wait, nevermind, two days away from being released from prison. His cell mate, Nick is also being released in two days, or at least he was until he gets stabbed to death in a prison riot.

Ben gets out and then runs into Nick’s pen pal, Ashley(Charlize Theron). Ben pretends to be Nick and thus starts his entry into r/TIFU.

Ashley’s Brother Gabriel(Gary Sinise) and his gang kidnap Ben because Nick used to work at a Casino. They plan to rob the casino dressed as Santas and use Nick’s knowledge to get the megabucks!

So Ben leans on everything that the real Nick told him about the Casino and actually manages to be somewhat useful. In between escape attempts that is. During one escape attempt he comes across Ashley and Gabriel pulling a Cersei and Jaime.

Then we find out they aren’t actually related. Oh thank god!

Stay close Shyamalan, we’re gonna need you.

Also Ashley isn’t being used by Gabriel, she helped plan it. Ringleader even.

Ben, Gabriel, and the gang storm the Casino as Santas. A couple of the red shirted Santas get killed and then Ashley rams a car into the Casino and Ashley reveals that she is in on the Heist. Because she didn’t know that Ben already knew.

Oh, hey they have others.

So they make it to the Manager’s office and suddenly everyone figures out that Ben isn’t Nick. Just before they are about to kill Ben for not being Nick, Ben tells them about the Pow Wow safe. The Manager opens the Pow Wow safe. . . and pulls the guns out of the safe and starts shooting everybody.

Ben knew it was loaded with guns, that’s why he was able to get the one liner in. Ben gets a few more in as he kills the rest of the red shirt santas, but gets kidnapped again.

Gabriel and Ashley reveal their plan to kill Ben by putting him in the damaged car and shoving it off a cliff. However, during the argument, Ashley reveals that she knows too much about how Nick died. Gabriel is also curious about how she knows how Nick died. So Ashley shoots Gabriel and kills him.

Only to reveal that Nick is ACTUALLY ALIVE!

Last one, I swear.

Nick Reveals that he and Ashley, who is actually Millie(no twist gif), have been planning this for a while and had always intended to leave 5 Santa corpses. So they tie up Ben and put him on the car and set it on fire.

They forgot that Ben was a car thief. And that he had a knife. He hotwires the car and runs over them both, first reversing into Nick, then driving the car into Millie/Ashley before diving out before it goes off the cliff.

So Ben is now alone in a Santa suit with millions of dollars. I don’t know, the scene at the end with Ben Affleck trudging through the snow giving money away, just says Christmas to me. . . You know, after killing off all the other Santas.

Next Time: Speaking of killing off Santas. . .