One Crazy Summer (1986)

Now we need a Death Battle between this Sun and the Moon from Majora’s Mask.

Really? Almost two years away and the first thing you post about is a movie that is older than you? Fine, whatever, we’re back. WE’RE BACK! THAT would have been a movie to come back on. Seriously! Whatever, roll the intro! Oh right, we’re still just a blog.

So, some backstory. Apparently at some point as a wee little TemplarSquire, I saw the very beginning of this movie. And it traumatized the hell out of me. Cause it starts with this little cartoon of a Rhino just looking for love. And he goes to this little group of bunnies and asks them how to find love. And they bully the hell out of him. So he very reasonably pulls out a machine gun and SHOOTS THEM TO DEATH! And I mean it is violent, one of them gets literally cut in half by bullets. It is clear that they survived this harrowing ordeal, because they show up several times later in the movie. But JESUS!

Just before Childhood Innocence (and several bunnies) died.

Between this scene and that field of blood scene in Watership Down, I was finding it very difficult to trust cartoons anymore. This is what happens when Daffy gets a hold of the artist’s tools and declares it Wabbit Season.

Things like this change a duck. Twists them mentally into a monster.

So I was aware that this was a John Cusack movie and just sort of held it in my head for a few decades until the discussion of childhood movie trauma popped up and I was like “Watership Down and One Crazy Summer,” and although everyone agreed with Watership Down, I got some strange looks for One Crazy Summer. So I decided to revisit this movie I saw beginning of many many years ago.

It begins with the aforementioned Rhino cartoon. Like literally, that is the opening of the movie. It is revealed that John Cusack is drawing this cartoon as an application to an art school the morning of his High School Graduation. Unbeknownst to me, there was ANOTHER scene in this movie that somewhat traumatized me as a child. During the Graduation scene, everyone throws their caps in the air, but apparently one of them comes down with such force that it sticks in the back of one of the graduates like a ninja star, killing him. John Cusack catches him as he falls over dead, see’s the cap sticking out of his back, and just lays him down before walking away. For some reason, I thought this was a scene from Grosse Point Blank. It would explain why John Cusack’s character was oddly comfortable with killing people. But yeah. The movie just killed a person and no one cared. Young TemplarSquire was horrified at all the death he was seeing.

Again, an 80’s High School Movie is doing the work.

So, one of the sub-plots of this movie is that John Cusack’s character is named Hoops, because his parents expected Basketball greatness from him. However, as established by whenever he attempts to throw anything in the trash, he has a terrible shot. So due to his parents losing all faith in him and buying him a street sweeper as his graduation gift car (ah, the 80’s middle class), John Cusack decides to take up his friend’s offer to go to Nantucket for the summer. Without, you know, packing any bags or planning this ahead of time, or anything. Just hops in the car and drives off to Nantucket. Considering at least one person died at graduation, I can’t imagine what his mother thinks happened to him.

Couldn’t find any funny milk carton jokes, so back to the Simpsons it is.

They pick up the younger sister of Hoops’ friend, her dog, and Demi Moore(who is being chased by a biker gang) on the way to Nantucket. Honestly, you’d think the biker gang would be a bigger deal in the movie, but after they do a car jump from the dock onto the ferry boat to get away, the biker gang never shows up again.

A running gag is that the dog is supposed to be so ugly that people can’t help but make mean comments about it. And when people do make mean comments, the little girl will seek righteous retribution against you, such as slapping you on the back so your face gets stuck, rolling up the window on your tie so you get dragged alongside the car as they drive away, or hunting you down in a shark boat that eats you in front of your son.

We also learn that Hoops is afraid of boats. Doesn’t give a good explanation, just he doesn’t like to go on boats. Until he has sex on a boat, then phobia cured. But that is later. But take it from One Crazy Summer, if you have a phobia of something, have sex on it, and you’re cured. Afraid of the dark, have sex in it. Afraid of heights, have sex while sky diving. Afraid of spiders, have-

NOPE, NOT TYPING THAT, NOT WILLING THAT INTO EXISTENCE!

SO IN CHANGING THE SUBJECT ENTIRELY, the main plot of the film centers around a rich guy and his son trying to take Demi Moore’s house so that they can build a Lobster restaurant on it. The house belonged to Demi Moore’s grandfather who passed away, and she has to come up with $3000 or Lobster Man gets the house. Lobster Man’s rich entitled douchebag son, Lobster Boy, has to win the Regatta or his grandfather will lose respect for him and cut him and his father off. Apparently Lobster Boy wins the Regatta every year, but this year is the important one for some reason. You know, standard 80’s competition at the end to save the BLANK.

I’ll definitely need to review Empire Records one of these days.

Lobster boy’s thing is “don’t touch my things” and “I’m doing my laps!” He’s your typical 80’s rich douchebag, but honestly there is one scene with his girlfriend that I actually find pretty endearing. Lobster boy gets ready to jump in the pool to take his “laps” then gestures for his girlfriend to come closer, boops her, and then jumps in the pool. Admittedly this is before discovering that the pool has been filled with live lobsters as a form of comedic revenge, but still.

Speaking of Lobster boy’s girlfriend, she ain’t loyal, cause when Lobster Boy is at a social event (that gets raided by Godzilla), she goes out with Hoops. She even suggests going somewhere “more romantic.” Of course, when Lobster Boy eventually discovers that she is out with Hoops, she plays victim and claims that Hoops is “after her.” Well, Hoops and a pack of boy scouts hopped up on Vietnam flashbacks and assured that trauma victims can’t be trusted to decline assistance. DNR? NOT ON MY WATCH!

TELL GOD HE’LL HAVE TO TAKE THEM FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!

So Hoops and the gang manage to draw enough attention to Demi Moore’s concert that she manages to raise enough money to pay the bank and keep her house! Except Lobster Man decides to just buy it from the bank anyways. And the bank says, “Sorry, he’s rich, and they can do whatever they want.” Which I’m pretty sure they can’t legally do that, but considering all the real world shenanigans the banks and rich people get away with, might as well be true.

Feel free to add the political cartoon of your choice here.

So after Lobster Man outright buys Demi Moore’s house and threatens to kick everyone out, it is up to Hoops and his gang to win the Regatta. Which they do buy Hoops getting over his fear of boats, Hoops finally managing to shoot a hoop, and Hoops’ friend sawing off the tail end of Lobster Boy’s Ferrari and using it as a boat engine. Not sure that would work, but eh. Not the weirdest thing in this movie.

So to tie it all together, the cartoons that Hoops has been drawing this whole time, after the Rhino kills all the bunnies, they get better and then trick him into getting on a floating heart that should take him to love, but the heart sinks. Then the Rhino meets a sexy cat lady, but she is dating Godzilla who attacks and crushes the Rhino. Then at the end, Love/Cupid Finds the Rhino and then finds the bunny gang and lights the fuse of the bomb they happen to be holding, once again killing the bunny gang.

Sadly gifs of this movie are few and far between.

So, in recap, I confronted the movie that exposed me to so much unresolved trauma from my childhood. It’s a weird 80’s John Cusack film, which with Better Off Dead, is almost a genre unto itself. But I like John Cusack. My favorite of his is Grosse Pointe Blank. Which also had murder in high school, as well as corpse disposal. Hoops learned from his mistakes of just leaving a dead body in the middle of graduation.

Not sure what is next. I thought of reviewing all the movies from 1986, thinking there weren’t that many out there, but it is still a substantial list. Might look at Better Off Dead. I reference the Two Dollars line way too much not to have actually seen the whole thing. Maybe a nice John Cusack Binge.

Deny Everything

So someone I kind of knew on a message board I used to frequent made a movie back in 2017. I forgot all about it and never watched it.

Today I happened to see a trailer for Wally Got Wasted and it made me think of the movie Deny Everything. So I decided why not check it out and maybe review it.

Now the question becomes to I honestly critique it or just go for support only. Eh, we’ll see how it goes.

So the film starts with Jeff dragging around a dead body. He somehow manages to stuff it into a duffel bag that doesn’t quite seem large enough to hold a dead body. He then drags around a very heavy duffel bag through a park.

This is all during the opening credits.

We then meet the other main character, Frank. Frank apparently has some business meeting that falls through just after he bought lunch for everyone, so he decides to take the rest of the day off. As a result he is still in his business suit when Jeff shows up with a dead body in a duffel bag.

Jeff reminds Frank of a promise they made back when they were drunk about helping each other, no questions ask. Well, Frank is calling in that favor. As a result, Frank has a dead body that we never find out why he has it.

Jeff makes a show of sliding the zipper on the already unzipped duffel bag to show Frank the dead body. Frank takes it rather well, all things considered. Though he could probably do without shouting about a dead body in his back yard.

After Frank dons a brilliant disguise in the form of the hat from Fargo and Loser, they try and go to the local Chinese restaurant to try and locate the black market to sell the body off.

I guess craigslist hasn’t hit the UK yet.

Predictably that goes wrong. The next thing they decide is to take their neighbor’s SUV (that everyone keeps calling a truck, stupid Brits), and take the body to the river.

Only problem is there is already a body in the trunk (which they keep calling the boot, stupid Brits). According to Jeff and Frank, the body is dead. You know, despite it clearly breathing. One of these days murderers will learn to keep a paramedic on standby to make sure the job gets done right.

So after they steal the SUV to dump the first body in the river, the owner of the truck, Ashby, comes home to find his suv and dead body have been misplaced. A quick check to his security cameras leads him to Frank and Jeff.

Frank gets a call from Ashby and tells him that dumping the body in the river is a bad idea. You know, just as Jeff is about to throw his dead body in the river, shouting the line, “Return from whence you came!” Frank tackles Jeff and aborts the dead body disposal.

Frank and Jeff decide driving back home is a bad idea and decide to go to Richie’s place. Richie also decided to come home from work early today and manages to walk in on Jeff, Frank, and the dead body. Richie gets to the dead body last.

Richie reminds me a lot of Rocco from Boondock Saints. Generally the third wheel that isn’t all there. This becomes apparent when they end up with the third dead body.

The trio decides to try cutting up the bodies and head to the local hardware store. CUE WEIRD AL!

While at the hardware store, Richie runs into an old friend at the checkout stand who gives him a cricket ball bat and recounts the time he got mugged. As he is telling the story, Richie mindlessly waves the cricket bat around and acts like he is threatening the clerk. The clerk then remembers he owes Richie money and hands Richie the money he owes just before accidently bumping his head on the desk. The clerk then falls over and dies. Sure enough, from the view of the security camera, it appears that Richie is mugging the clerk and kills him with the cricket ball bat.

I mean yes you can see that he hits his head on the desk, not the bat, but try explaining THAT to the British police while you have two other dead bodies.

So they go back to the flat and bemoan what to do when guess who shows up but Ashby. Apparently the SUV(truck) they stole(borrowed) has a tracker in it, but they kept driving around so he had to wait for them to stop bloody moving. Ashby then offers to help them with all the dead bodies, but they have to help him. Evidently he needs to help a secret agent fake his death, thus why he has a dead body in his trunk that looks exactly like the secret agent.

After quite a bit of banter, they storm a warehouse. Ashby waits in the car while Richie, Jeff, and Frank decide how they are going to take out the guards. Richie suggests he will stealth his way in. Jeff suggests he will take on the guards with fisticuffs. Ultimately Frank just walks in and has a conversation with the guard, who is really a nice guy. Then they clobber him over the head. Jeff, Frank, and Richie somehow manage to knock out several of the guards and give Ashby the all clear.

Ashby then tells them to take the dead bodies up the stairs and put them in the room at the top of the stairs. They go up the stairs and find DOZENS OF DEAD BODIES. I say dozens, but they don’t actually say how many. It’s just made clear that there are an uncomfortably large number of dead bodies. So they dump their two dead bodies while Ashby uses his dead body for its intended purpose. Ashby however ends up getting shot in the process. It is up to Frank, Jeff, and Richie to escort the secret agent out of the warehouse of doom. They are met by the organization Ashby works for and after giving the agent to them, they drive off.

So they finally made it through the day and got rid of all their dead bodies. Jeff wants to go home and sleep, but Frank and Richie convince him to go out for a drink. As they are driving off to a bar(pub), they hit someone with their car. Credits roll.

This movie is pretty good. I would say it is Clerks meets Boondock Saints. You know, minus the spectacular violence. Obviously there are some technical errors, such as already unzipped bags being unzipped and breathing dead bodies, but nothing like instagram filter birds or guys confusing the belly button for a vagina. Everyone who has a decent amount of lines play their parts very well and believably. I would say the only noticeable point of bad acting is the taxi driver who drops off Ashby apparently could not say, “Thanks, have a nice day,” convincingly.

I just insulted the director’s dad or something, didn’t I? Anywho, check it out on Amazon Prime.

All Images property of Reality Shift Ltd. and Michael Eden. http://denyeverythingmovie.com/

Isn’t It Romantic

This Week: Isn’t It Romantic

So the movie I wanted to see this week was Alita: Battle Angel. My Fiancé wanted to see What Men Want. However, due to it being Valentine’s Day, we figured the more appropriate movie to see was Isn’t It Romantic.

My Fiancé loved it, I. . . enjoyed it fine. Although it isn’t bad, there just isn’t a lot to it.

I just didn’t think it was that funny. The funniest parts of the movie are any time Rebel Wilson tries to say the word “F***” or when she finds out she can’t have sex, just gets right to the point of about to have sex and then wakes up the next morning. Both of which appear in the trailers.

There was no seriously funny moment. Also, for a movie that is about subverting the tropes of Romantic comedies, it kinda sticks to them. There is no real surprise on where the story goes and who she ends up with.

So it’s okay, but I call it a skip. Unless you just REALLY like the comedy of Rebel Wilson, then go right ahead.

Next Week: Fighting with my Dragon: The Hidden World

The Nutcracker in 3D

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: The Nutcracker 3D: The Untold Story

Holy shit do things get real. So in 2009, they created another Nutcracker movie. I have never really seen any of the Nutcracker movies, plays, or stories, so other than the fact there is a Nutcracker and a Rat King, I know nothing about this story.

And after watching this movie, I’m pretty sure I still don’t.

So we open on an ice skating rink in . . . somewhere? London? Switzerland? New York? I don’t believe they ever clarify. Nathan Lane plays Uncle Albert (Einstein), and he is riding in a carriage and apparently very late to meet his neice and nephew. He briefly talks to the camera about how interesting it would be if he were being followed, but alas he is not. Sure, just like it would be really interesting it would be if I was being spied on by the government, but alas I am not.

(Brief Glance at the figurine on his mantle that he doesn’t remember buying)

Yeah. . .

So we are introduced to Mary and Max. Mary is writing a christmas letter and Max is . . . setting his sister’s ornament on fire. She freaks out and he says it’s an accident. Max’s thing is he intentionally breaks toys and doesn’t want to be punished. Their parents are going to the Palace so the mother can sing.

It’s a weird family dynamic based on accents. Uncle Albert is American(though going for german), his brother(the father) is English, the mother is Russian(though going for American accent), and the children are simply bad actors.

Uncle Albert shows up and presents Mary and Max with a toy house and the eponymous Nutcracker. Max IMMEDIATELY breaks it. Mary is pissed, but Uncle Albert fixes him. Then they sing a song about Relativity. For a story built around a famous ballet, the songs and dancing are AWFUL. The choreography is essentially the children just doing freestyle arm flailing.

I’m pretty sure the choreographer lied on his resume. What was Joey doing in 2009?

Anywho, the nutcracker comes to life and Mary takes it in stride. She makes the nutcracker grow to full size by knocking it off the top of a shelf. Because.

Mary and the Nutcracker(who prefers to be called NC and for typing purposes I shall grant this request) argue for a few minutes about the differences between boys and girls before they go to the living room, which has grown to massive size. The toy house and its occupants(A drummer, a clown, and a monkey in a suit) are also human sized now.

After briefly meeting the occupants, Mary and NC use a system of pulleys and levers to go up the now gigantic christmas tree. They meet the Ornament that Max set on fire earlier(who is played by the mother). This is made clear by the dialogue, “You look exactly like my mother.” “But I’m not.”

How many people DID lie on their resume in this movie?

So the not-mother sings a song and because of Mary’s belief, NC turns back into a real boy. That is the easiest cure to a curse I’ve ever seen. Believe in something for five minutes and BOOM curse lifted.

The musical number resumes and a couple of Biker Mice from Mars nearby see that the prince has returned, and then offer a brief critique on the movie, “That music is terrible.”

After the rats fly off, the now human NC tells the backstory of the Rat King. He basically had giant black phallic tanks rise up from the ground and had storm troopers come out and march through the streets. The Nazi kind, not the Star Wars kind.

Apparently these are very non violent storm troopers, considering one guy decides to attack them with a bouquet of flowers and they decide to keep marching instead of shooting him to death.

After their invasion, the Rat King’s factories blot out the sun with their smoke because he doesn’t like the sun. Personally, I prefer Mr. Burns’ giant sun shade, but whatever. Mary has the brilliant idea of shutting down the factories which the brilliant military strategist NC never thought of.

We then meet the Rat King played by (SQUEEE!) John Turturro! Oh this ought to be FANTASTIC!

(One musical number later)

Wow. Okay. Maybe I oversold his saving grace a little too much. The Rat King is apparently able to summon bands at will, but not, you know, good ones. And I’m not sure of John Turturro’s singing ability, but I’ll blame the fact that NONE of these songs were meant to have lyrics. And the Dancing Nazi Rats just complete the insanity.

And then, with all that insanity, the Rat King kills his pet shark. Just because?

After he finds out the Prince is alive, the Rat King goes to his Mother and cries that the spell is broken. She starts sucking down a cocktail that distorts her face and turns NC back to wood.

The rat soldiers use robo rats to chew out the base of the tree and it collapses. Causing mary to wake up in bed. Her parents come home and blame the children and nanny for its destruction and of course do not believe Mary’s story of robo rats.

So the next day we get another crappy song about Mary not being believed.

Uncle Albert shows up and again breaks the fourth wall like it is a Nick Jr. show. He shows up the house and the parents try to convince him not to come around anymore. He sings a song about magic pebbles, and the matter is dropped.

That night, NC again comes to life, but this time recruits Max as well as Mary. NC tells Max he can come if he promises not to break anymore toys. Max agrees, but crosses his fingers behind his back.

Seriously, this kid is a little shit. Sid from toy story was more tolerable than this. At least when HE found out Toys were alive, he had the decency to wet his pants in fear whenever he saw one again!

So NC goes off to wake up the doll house and immediately gets . . . dragged to hell?

Mary and Max come downstairs to find the living room giant sized again. Mary can’t find NC anywhere, until she starts hearing his voice from a dark corner.

She reaches out her hand to the darkness and THE RAT KING GRABS HER HAND!

Briefly. Then lets go.

The Rat King has NC, the clown, and the drummer boy from the doll house held captive by his rat soldiers. After a bit of banter, the Rat King demands the drummer boy play something. What the drummer boy plays isn’t to the Rat King’s liking so he RIPS OFF THE DRUMMER BOYS HEAD AND THROWS IT TO MAX!

WHAT THE EVER LIVING HELL?!? Yes, the drummer boy is technically a toy, but unlike the Nutcracker which is CGI and looks fake, the Drummer boy is played by a person and is not made to look fake.

Oh right, this was also originally shown in 3D, so the Rat King ripped off his head and immediately throws it TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE! I really hope the 3D wasn’t used their or the theater seats are never getting cleaned!

After throwing the head around a bit, he puts it back on the Drummer boy. Mary then grabs a fountain pen(which is the size of a spear) and sprays some Ink at the Rat King.

Which misses. But it still causes the Rat King to lose his cool and attempt the Large Marge Face jump scare. However, the scariness is kind of undercut by John Tuturro just making the “scary rat noise” with his mouth. It really just sounds like him going “blahh!!!” Might freak kids out, but it just looks silly.

After regaining his composure, the Rat King has the toys taken to the smoke factory. Max joins the Rat King because they will let him have his own motorcycle. With Machine gun attachments.

Mary returns to the dollhouse to find the monkey is still there. They go to the attic and find the mirror is a portal to the Rat King’s world. They knock out the only posted rat soldier and go out into the empty streets. They walk by a guy who is wearing a trench coat and clearly nothing else. And they freak HIM out.

Truly this world is upside down when little girls freak out flashers.

Meanwhile, NC and the other toys manage to pull off a daring escape, mainly by using the clowns but to block the view of the driver in back. However, this is short lived because NC manages to get his hat stuck while being pursued by robo rats and is captured again.

Mary and the monkey come upon a rally where the Rat King is having toys gathered up and thrown in a pile to be burned. The rat king then gives another song with dancing rat Nazis.

The Rat King is so enthralled with the suffering of children he runs into the crowd taking pictures of crying children and posts them as wall art.

Max finally realizes he has chosen the WRONG DAMN SIDE. The Rat King has him locked up, and resumes his awful song.

Mary jumps into a pile of toys to find out where they end up. Luckily she chose the correct pile, because she manages to find the clown, drummer, and NC.

NC is in bad shape, because his leg is off and he is not animated. Mary needs a distraction to go help NC, so the Drummer, Clown and Monkey do a musical number. Which does a good job because the Rat Soldiers do absolutely nothing.

Mary manages to put NC back together and then I guess her tears make him human again. And him just being Human again is enough to inspire the enslaved humans to rise against the Rat army.

The Rat King instantly knows the curse is broken and apparently all is lost. Apparently the rat army he used before is useless. Which based on all their actions before is kinda true. The Rat King’s mother suggests abandoning ship, like rats do, but the Rat king wishes to fight on.

A brief battle ensues in the smoke factory and NC shoves Mary into a metal elevator. For one of the more terrifying moments of the movie, you see the Rat King trying to break into the elevator. First you see his fingers come through the sliding door trying to wrench it open. Mary yells back, “I’m not afraid of you!” You see the fingers slip back out, then you see the fangs of the Rat King tear a hole through the metal door in a very creepy way, briefly seeing the mad glint in his eyes.

Then he sticks his mouth in the hole and goes “blah aha” totally ruining the whole thing.

The Rat King yanks Mary out of the elevator and demands to know where NC is or else he’ll start biting her fingers off.

Seriously, this quick shifting between 1st and 5th gear on the scary scale is doing no one any favors.

NC makes his dramatic move by sounding the high frequency alarm, which disables the Jet pack rats and convinces the Rat King to run away, with Mary as his hostage.

Max and the Rat Queen try to fly away in the helicopter, but apparently neither of them know how to start the thing.

Eventually everyone makes it up to the Helicopter pad and a dramatic aerial spree before they just crash into a pile of toys. Everyone survives, the rats turn back into proper rats and run away.

The sky becomes clear, speeches are made, flowers bloom, songs are sung, Mary wakes up and has her “and you were there, and you were there” moment, even meeting NC, named Nicholas Charles, and the movie FINALLY FUCKING ENDS!

This movie had Nathan Lane, John Tuturro, and Richard E. Grant in it! They even had Moaning Myrtle doing the voice of NC! HOW DID THEY SCREW THIS UP?!?

I guarantee you that the number of people lying on their resume before this film is NOWHERE NEAR the number of people lying about this afterwards. Surprised the cast and crew page isn’t just a long line of Alan Smithee’s.

Again, if you want to see it, find it for free somewhere. Do not part with your money for this.

Tomorrow: We finally bring this long dreadful Christmas to a close with the ultimate showdown. Is Santa any match for THE DEVIL?!?

The Year Without a Santa Claus(2006)

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: The Year Without a Santa Claus (2006)

No, not that one. In 2006, someone thought it would be a good idea to take a beloved animated classic and turn it into a live action TV special. They made the right decision in casting John Goodman as Santa Claus, and while they were patting themselves on the back, they accidently cast Chris Kattan, Eddie Griffin, and Carson Kressley as Elves. After realizing their mistake, they attempted to course correct with Delta Burke as Mrs. Claus and a younger. . .uh. . .that kid from Goosebumps and 13 Reasons Why as Iggy Thistlewhite.

The movie begins at SANTA EXPO! A North Pole convention where the elves are showing off their latest toyline ideas. Santa is getting put into his Santa Suit by Carson Kressley, who keeps making jokes about Santa’s weight. Carson Kressley also makes a joke about how he should have been a dentist. (sigh)

Chris Kattan is Santa’s Assistant, Sparky. Clearly he spends way too much time up Santa’s ass, because Christ Kattan has a mean case of pink eye. Sparky is obsessed with modernizing Santa, such as having Santa speak in Hip-hop lingo, delivering toys that require parents to buy accessories, and even designing a new Santa outfit that is a green Superhero costume. If they released this a few years later, it would be CGI animated, just to complete the horror. Sparky gets annoyed with Santa’s inability to modernize with the times that he even suggests going on without Santa. Of course, donning the Green Santa Super Suit in the third act. Still has pinkeye. Through the whole thing.

We still get Jingle and Jangle played by Eddie Griffin and Earl’s brother who can’t see sailboats (Ethan Suplee). Jingle spends much of his off time watching Human Television on his phone, including Dr. Laura, Local News of Southtown (mumbles the state), and. . .the Animated version of The Year Without a Santa Claus?!? I’d complain about spoilers, but they would be WAY off base.

So Santa gets frustrated with the Emo Barbie line of toys and accessories and after the Doctor tells him he needs a vacation, Santa just fully gives up and says he isn’t doing Christmas this year, unless he can find one child that even gives a crap. Jingle and Jangle overhear this and steal vixen to go off to Southtown where they saw the guy from Goosebumps as a little kid named Iggy. Iggy is apparently sponsoring a Christmas event, even though he doesn’t believe in Santa. Vixen gets picked up by the police and placed in . . .Animal Jail? The local pound? The proper name will come to me eventually.

Jingle and Jangle try to convince Iggy that they are really Santa’s elves, but he doesn’t believe him. Even when they show up at his school and show off their ears, do amazing backflips, and . . . do really well at a snowmobile video game? Yeah, that last one wouldn’t convince me either.

While at the school, the P.E. Teacher corrals Jingle and Jangle to find out why a couple of Elves are hanging around a High School. The P.E. Teacher turns out to be the Greek Goddess Artemis. Apparently when humans stop believing in Gods, they have to get real jobs. Even Hercules is now doing Advertising for a Mythological Retirement Community.

Does this really go anywhere? No. Is it ever brought up again? Nope.

Although Jingle and Jangle’s video game skills don’t convince Iggy they are elves, the tickets they won convincEs Iggy to steal a Reindeer for them. Iggy uses the fact he is the mayor’s son to convince the Animal Control Officer to give them Vixen. Vixen then flies away and Iggy is now willing to believe.

Santa eventually finds out about their tomfoolery and goes out searching for them. First he passes through the cavern separating the Miser Brothers.

Yeah, remember in the original the Miser brothers were on two different islands? In this one they live right across from each other. And they are constantly at war supposedly making travel through from the North Pole very treacherous. Except it didn’t? Jingle and Jangle made it through fine. In fact they don’t bring up the danger until well after they are safely in South Town.

But we do get the Heat Miser/Snow Miser songs! Well, Song. They combine the two songs into a single musical number. Which I actually prefer. Their songs were two sides of the same coin. So there was no need to waste valuable movie time . . oh wait, I forgot which movie this was.

Well, more accurately we didn’t want this thing any longer than necessary. Heat Miser and Snow Miser go from hurling ice and fire balls at each other, to getting into a boxing match. When Santa is trying to figure out where Jingle and Jangle are, and the Misers are being very unhelpful, Santa calls for Mother Nature, played by Carol Kane. She does a fantastic job. You know, at playing a crazy person.

I have to wonder, does Carol Kane only take crazy roles, or is she given regular roles and just make them crazy? Either way, god bless the woman!

Mother Nature sets the Miser Brothers to rights and Santa eventually finds his way to South Town. There he runs into Iggy who, finally believing in Santa again, manages to soften Santa’s heart and make him believe in Christmas again. Santa asks what Iggy would like for Christmas and Iggy asks for snow in South Town. Santa goes to the Miser Brothers and convinces them to let it snow in South Town, or he’ll call their mother, yatta yatta yatta.

As I briefly mentioned before, Iggy is the Mayor’s son. A lot of Iggy’s motivations are wrapped up in the fact he doesn’t get to see his dad because he is so busy. The Mayor is apparently working with some greedy corporations to do . . . something. And it is apparently bad? But when it snows, the Mayor remembers to true meaning of Christmas and calls off the deal. (shrugs)

So Santa is heading back to the North Pole with Vixen, Jingle, and Jangle, and he has a renewed spirit of Christmas inside of him. Sparky on the other hand decided to take advantage of Santa’s absence and don the new Santa Super Suit and declare himself the new Santa! He is laughed off stage and Santa arrives just in time to make his yearly run.

Afterwards, due to the deal with the Miser brothers, everyone at the North Pole is sitting around enjoying a warm summer’s day in the middle of winter.

This movie is honestly a parody of itself. The movie goes out of its way to point out how modernizing the traditional aspects of Christmas for commercial success is a bad thing. Yet that is EXACTLY WHAT THIS MOVIE IS TRYING TO DO! Instead of Santa just being sick and wanting to take a year off, he is bitter and has become disillusioned with the holiday. The elves themselves are actually phasing Santa out of the Holiday and making everything commercial instead of heartfelt. And how does this all come out in the end. Santa decides to just keep delivering presents. He doesn’t seem to change anything else.

All in all, I would say this one pulls about the middle. It’s not godawful, it just seems mediocre, which is disappointing for the number of good actors in it. I would say if they ever get a streaming option for it, watch it then. As it stands, I had to go pay money for this, and it wasn’t really worth it.

Tomorrow: You know what Christmas movies have been missing? Horrifying imagery and Rat Nazi’s!