Howard Lovecraft and the Frozen Kingdom

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Howard Lovecraft and the Frozen Kingdom

Having trouble coming up with an idea for a kids movie? Why not make a movie about the greatest eldritch horror writer ever! Lets give him relatable story about his father being committed to an insane asylum after going mad!

To top it off, this was by the same creator of The Legend of Hallowaiian! So cue cheap animation, poor dialogue, and a cast list full of the director’s family. Either that or he takes a page out of the Bolson Construction policy and only hires actors and actresses with the last name O’Reilly.

So we meet 10 year old- err. . . Actually how old is he? (Puts on his Film Theory hat and brainy specs) Okay, the film takes place in 1897, HP Lovecraft was born on August 20th 1890, and it starts on Winfield Lovecraft’s birthday, which was on October 26th, so that makes Howard Lovecraft 7 years old.

So we meet 7 year old Howard Lovecraft as he is sitting alone in his room being sad. Howard and his mother go to visit his father who has been committed to an insane asylum. After the doctor goes on and on about how it is not a good idea for Winfield to have visitors, he relents out of nowhere. So while the doctor and Howard’s mother are having a conversation about Winfield, Howard open’s Winfield’s beanhole- I mean food receptacle port, and Winfield spouts crazy nonsense about words, symbols, and King Abdul-Jabbar.

After Winfield grabs his son through the food port, the orderlies finally restrain him, but not before slipping Howard a coin- err(reads script) necklace? Whatever.

After going home, Howard’s mother decides to give Howard his dad’s copy of the Necronomicon. Apparently this one is not made out of human skin. Howard decides to read it until he falls asleep, and like everyone who reads the Necronomicon, they decide to read the lines of power out loud, instead of in their head like they do the rest of the book. This fortunately doesn’t summon a horde of zombies, it only opens a portal into the set of Frozen.

Instead of cute snow monsters, Cthulhu shows up and chases after Howard like a dog ready to play fetch. Cthulhu almost falls off a cliff, but he convinces Howard to pull him back up. Then we find out that this isn’t Cthulhu, it’s a character named Thu Thu Hmong. Howard decides to call him Spot.

Thu Thu Hmong tears him in half for his insolence, and the movie ends.

Or never mind, Spot he is. Howard and . . .Spot, meet up with squid people. Then after a 10 minute dinner scene that does nothing, Howard and Spot head off to a castle. On the way, Howard teaches Spot how to make snow men and have a snowball fight, complete with topical matrix bullet time dodges. And I don’t mean slow motion through the air dodges, I mean the full tilt back limbo move. Howard manages to hit Spot with a snowball, so Spot forms a giant snow boulder and crushes Howard with it.

They finally reach the castle and enter a seemingly empty town. Then they suddenly are surrounded by 8 goblins. One smug goblin walks up to Spot and threatens him with a sword. Spot then whips the goblin around like Hulk does Loki in the Avengers. And that wasn’t me being witty in my comparison, it is a straight rip off of the shot from The Avengers. Spot shows that the Goblin spears and weapons are no threat to him, but one of the Goblins knock out Howard.

Somehow this enables the goblins to capture both Spot and Howard and suspend them above a boiling pot of green liquid when Howard wakes up. Spot then breaths in to expand his chest and the restraints pop off immediately. How did they capture him? Why was he bound at all?

The Goblins apparently work for Algid, a woman king who apparently wants Howard’s help in unfreezing the Kingdom. She explains that they accidentally summoned Cthulhu who is a creature from the water, and in order to stop him, they froze everything. They explain a copy of the Necronomicon is in a cave guarded by Sho-gath.

Howard and Spot go out to find the book, which pisses Spot off for some reason. Spot is too big to initially make it into the cave, so Howard goes in alone. He finds the book and Sho-Gath. Sho-Gath reveals that Spot is actually Cthulhu.

That’s right, the head banging of an ancient one earlier being called “Spot” just got dialed to 11. So Howard is about to be eaten by Sho-Gath when “Spot” finally makes it into the cave and . . . immediately gets eaten.

I would call Cthulhu a pansy, but I would like to keep my mind intact, thank you. Howard drops the neckcoin and apparently the symbol on it makes Sho-Gath just blow up. Cthulhu is safe, and they take the book back to Algid.

Algid then immediately reveals that she is King Abdul and reads a line in the book that turns Cthulhu evil. (Just stares off in space for a while, realizing what he just typed)

The squid people from earlier arrive and King Abdul is so shocked that she does not notice one of them walk up to her and just take the book from her hands.

Howard gets the book and somehow immediately finds the “Turn Cthulhu back to good” spell.(Come on man, just get through this, almost there)

Cthulhu, the Squid people, and Howard perform the jumping through the air shot from Avengers: Age of Ultron, then beat up all the goblins. Howard summons a portal back to his world. King Abdul summons shadow demons and Howard uses his coin to blast them all with hand light. King Abdul then spider-crawls away. Howard then says a heartfelt goodbye to Cthulhu and the Squid people(son of a BITCH), and then returns to his world.

Howard gives the copy of the Necronomicon to his father, his father says he will get better, and the movie ends with Howard reading the Necronomicon more.

Kid-Friendly Cthulhu. God help us all.

Tomorrow: So I’m not sure what to do tomorrow. I’ve done most of the MAJOR bad movies already. I want Halloween to be special but I just don’t think there is a really big movie out there worthy of the spot.

(Door Bell rings)

One moment.

Mailman: Package for you, sir.

Oh thank you

(Signs for package and closes the door)

(Opens the package)

It looks like a DVD?

. . . Oh Shit. . .(turns dvd case over). . .oh god no. . .