The Elf Who Didn’t Believe

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: The Elf Who Didn’t Believe

So, the only things I knew about this film was a couple of different posters. One that looks like a Horror film, and then a cheap one that looks like it was done in MS paint.

While waiting to start the film, I noticed that the director has made three films. His first film was Fallout, a scifi action thriller in space which is PG-13, and his last film was Night Eyes: Fatal Passion, which is an R rated film about a Psychiatrist being stalked by an ex patient. Between these two films he made a G-rated film about an elf that wants to be a real boy. . . AND IS WILLING TO KILL! Nope, none of that, just has to do a good deed and make a wish. Yeah. Don’t know what happened here.

So yeah, we wait several minutes reading the actors names being shown over the poorest snow graphic they could find, before switching to a model and a different crappy quality of fake snow. We meet Elmer who is an Elf that hates snow and really wants to vacation in the tropics instead of making toys 365 days a year. He keeps messing up around the toy factory and is forced to clean up after the reindeer.

Or, sweep hay around in a stable while someone shakes some antlers around occasionally. Obviously can’t afford animals.

He finds the standard issue elf manual which includes a page on how to become a real boy. Elmer longs to be a human so he can get presents and watch tv all year round and not have to work. So of course he steals the sleigh, travels to a random town, and meets a child who will teach him that it’s tough being a kid with schools and chores and stuff.

Or SHE IS APPARENTLY VERY SICK AND NEEDS A SPECIAL DOCTOR OR SHE WILL DIE!

GOD DAMNIT GOD! WHY DO YOU NEED TO KILL PEOPLE TO TEACH LESSONS!

Anywho, apparently several people saw Elmer crash land the sleigh. One is a reporter who tells everyone it is a festive UFO.

The other is Slick, the villainous overactor who instantly knows it is an elf and Santa’s sleigh. For some reason he doesn’t approach the sleigh and just leaves. So does the reporter. Elmer just is asleep in the sleigh until morning where it chases him around and he traps it in the barn.

Slick uses the mayor to have the Sheriff go out and collect the sleigh everyone thinks is a UFO. The sheriff and his deputy find the sleigh in the barn and freak out. Because they saw a sleigh in a barn and think it is a UFO and are shocked that the UFO LOOKS LIKE A SLEIGH IN A BARN! THIS IS SOME ZEBRA HOOFBEATS CRAP GOING ON HERE!

Elmer makes a break for it by sprinkling magic dust on a bike to make it. . .sparkle as he peddles away at normal speed? The Sheriff sees this and assumes the child wearing green and riding a sparkly bike is an alien.

Again, hoofbeats=zebra.

So they spend an hour with the sheriff trying to track down the elf, while thinking he’s an alien. The reporter also spends an hour tracking down the elf, thinking he’s an alien.

While this is all going on, Santa discovers the Sleigh is gone and the head Elf wants to send in Elf Team 6 from The Santa Clause, but Santa decides he is going to handle this personally. Santa is apparently running the Batman Gambit throughout the movie and is pulling strings behind the scenes. He apparently also steals a car and is tailing the sheriff at several points.

The Sheriff finally catches Elmer and the sleigh and delivers them both to Slick. Slick is in the sleigh laughing maniacally about taking over Christmas AND HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO RECOGNIZES A SLEIGH AS A SLEIGH AND NOT A UFO! THE CRAZY BASTARD WANTING TO STEAL ALL THE TOYS AND RANSOM CHRISTMAS IS THE MOST SANE AND LOGICAL PERSON IN THIS MOVIE!

Santa apparently gets pissed since the Sheriff kidnapped his elf and decides to take matters into his OWN HANDS! By dropping off a dying girl and later her dad and the reporter at the closed down plastic factory where Elmer is being held, continuing not to directly act himself. Oh and I’m pretty sure he stole a laundry truck.

Elmer and everyone escape with the sleigh and everyone realizes he is an elf. Cause DUH! He then gives out presents to cancer children and learns it is better to give than to get. But Slick shows up demanding his sleigh and his elf! Then Santa shows up and puts Slick in his damn place saying that is HIS SLEIGH and Elmer is HIS ELF! It is honestly one of the best scenes in the film.

Elmer decides to stay an elf, because Elves can’t get cancer, and he uses his fame as an elf to get a special doctor in florida to treat his dying friend. Then everyone goes on a nice tropical vacation. The end.

Honestly, if you take the elf, the sheriff, and the reporter out, you have a fantastic cast of side characters. Not that they are good, but they are damn entertaining! Santa is great as a puppet master who nudges things here and there to make sure Elmer and Slick learn their lessons.

Tomorrow: So we go from one movie about wish fulfillment to another. Hopefully no one needs to die to teach people lessons.

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