The Christmas Shoes


Tonight: The Christmas Shoes

So for all of you rock people who came out into the world recently and somehow friended me on facebook, The Christmas Shoes is a song by New Song that is played every where every year at christmas time. It tells the story of God killing a young boy’s mother in order to teach a cranky guy who is stuck in line during the busiest shopping time of year the true meaning of Christmas. It’s a line in the song.

This song inspired a book. Which in turn inspired a Hallmark movie. God help us, every one.

Rob Lowe plays himself as he is an immortal without the ability to age as he visits a cemetery before reminiscing to 15 years in the past where he looks exactly the same. He is a lawyer who works too much and spends very little time with his family. Everyone who doesn’t have a job chastises him for being too busy at work. Maybe if his wife used her business degree and got a job, maybe he could work a little less. Yes he has the typical Hallmark Family problems of being focused on work instead of family. The most villainous thing you can do on the Hallmark channel is be dedicated to your job and have ambition. Oh and while the movie is painting him as such an asshole, it turns out the reason he is working so hard is because he is trying to save the farmland of dozens of farmers. That’s right, he is putting in all this time at work making sure that farmers are able to continue feeding their families.

What an ASSHOLE!

So on the other part of the song, we have the little boy and his mother who want a puppy, but the working class father says no, because the boy wasn’t responsible enough to keep a goldfish alive. To which he brings out the fish’s floating corpse to prove his point. What is with all these parents demanding the child take care of the dog? My parents had several pets and although we had to help out with feeding and helping out, we were never solely responsible for every aspect of the animal’s existence. Anywho, we find out the mother has a heart condition and might die.

Don’t want to spoil anything for you. . . But she dies. OH MY GOD WHAT A SHOCK!

Anywho, she tries to get a replacement heart but the only donor available apparently had hepatitis B. So now she is going to die. Spoiler shock etc.

So the little boy starts collecting cans to buy his mother some shoes that I guess maybe look like shoes in a book that his mother liked? He is encouraged by his teacher, who would rather he catch tetanus rather than loan him the $20 bucks for the shoes.

Then Rob Lowe’s mother dies. So yeah, not one, but two mothers had to die for Rob Lowe to learn the meaning of Christmas. I guess God got tired of sending ghosts and giving small children sicknesses which are cured by money.

So on Christmas Eve, the boy somehow turns in all the cans for cash at the only dump open on Christmas Eve, and goes out to buy the shoes as his mother is breathing her last breaths.

Rob Lowe decides to stop working to save farmers for five minutes to go Christmas shopping. The two characters in the song finally get together and reenact the scene from the song. And the movie realizes that the line, “I want her to look beautiful if mama sees Jesus tonight,” was so stupid that they alter it to “looking beautiful in heaven,” and has the decency to have him mumble it.

The boy then runs home and gives his dying mother the shoes, as a carolers are outside his home SINGING THE CHRISTMAS SHOES! What the F***?!? They are singing a song about a dying mother getting christmas shoes OUTSIDE OF THE HOME OF A DYING MOTHER WHO IS ABOUT TO GET CHRISTMAS SHOES!

Also Rob Lowe starts to leave work at a decent hour and show up to his daughters events. Oh and when he goes back to 15 years in the future, he realizes the guy at the cemetery is the boy he bought the shoes for. The boy is apparently going to Medical school.

The End.

I hate Hallmark Christmas movies. They are boring and stupid. I don’t recommend this movie, it is not worth sitting through the stupidity. If you want to ignore me, it’s on Youtube.

Tomorrow: Well, we’ve seen what happens when adults don’t believe in the spirit of Christmas, what happens when an elf doesn’t believe?

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