The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t


Tonight: The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t

Spoiler, as the title implies, Christmas still manages to happen. So the Giant from the Magic Christmas tree is denied his sex slave once again.

So this movie is a musical about Santa getting a Lawyer to help settle an issue with his landlord about a years worth of back-rent. You know, like the musical Rent.

So Santa gets help from the only Lawyer who still believes in Santa Claus because Phineas T Prune purchased the North Pole demands backrent or he will take all the toys. Prune knows Santa can’t pay and wants to ruin Christmas for all the children.

Yes he specifically hates children because no one considers him special. I’d also like to point out that Prune is rich. He is special. He has enough money to buy whatever he wants just to have leverage over people. Yet he hates children because no one ever called him special.

So Santa’s Lawyer convinces Santa to get a job as a department store Santa. Wait. Are we in Miracle on 34th street? With Santa and Lawyers and Department stores? Of course Santa alone won’t make enough to pay the rent, so the Lawyer decides to help out . . . as a Janitor. Putting that Law Degree to WORK!

This causes Prune to flip out and he decides to blow Santa up, but a kid notices him planting the bomb and wags his finger at Prune. Prune decides to back out of that plan and decides to just buy the department store and fire Santa and the Lawyer. He pays Santa and the Lawyer enough for the backrent, but he knocks over a bunch of toys and takes the cost of replacement out of their paychecks.

Santa is now sitting out in the cold feeling hopeless when, my god, could it be? Yes, a child with The Magic Christmas Tree slung over his shoulder sees Santa feeling sad and calls out to all the children everywhere to come and contribute to Santa Claus’ GoFundMe page!

Santa rushes back to the North Pole where Prune is waiting. I have no idea how Prune gets back and forth from whatever town he lives to the North Pole every night. Santa dumps two bags of coins in front of Prune and Prune leaves in defeat.

Santa then goes and delivers all the presents in an odd still picture slide show, because I guess they didn’t have the budget or the running time to show him actually entering chimneys. In the end there is only one present left. For Prune.

Apparently Santa’s head elf misplaced Prune’s postcard when he was five and he never got his toy sailboat. This caused him to think he wasn’t a child and brought forth a desire to destroy Christmas and Santa Claus! And people think Broly have a lame backstory.

The simple sailboat makes Prune pull the Scrooge 180 and he runs out into the street accosting people on the street in his nightgown. Seriously, people go running from him. He finally sees a little boy and chases him down! Ultimately he just gives the boy his sailboat and goes home. Then the ending theme plays.

This is a semi enjoyable bad movie. It has some catchy songs and a few eccentric characters, mainly Russell(Prune’s butler) and Jonathon(Santa’s head elf. One drawback is that this movie was made in Italian and dubbed in english, which always leads to fun in syncing up.

Give it a look on Amazon Prime.

Tomorrow: We are done with Santa having to fight against greedy millionaire’s and children. Tomorrow, SANTA GOES ON THE OFFENSIVE!

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