Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

So with a title like this, I was expecting Santa goes to Mars and brings the Martians under his heel and uses them as his new toymakers to keep up with population and technology demands.

That and S.P.E.W.’s efforts in the North Pole gained serious ground.

Sadly despite some lines that seem like Santa building up to giving an asswhooping, Santa simply causes his infectious good cheer to turn the Martians into a joyous society.

The movie starts with Martian children watching a TV broadcast of Santa being interviewed by a reporter. The Martian children wonder what things like “dolls” or “affection” are, before their father, the Martian Leader, walks in and uses sleep spray to knock them out.

I want sleep spray. I would use that SO MUCH.

So the Martian leader calls a meeting of leaders to discuss why martian children are so sad. They summon the ancient one who reveals that they are sad because they are not allowed to play and have joy because they are hooked up to education boxes from birth. Yeah, if I was only allowed to play educational games throughout my life, I would be depressed too.

So the wise man says Mars needs a Santa Claus, and then vanishes. So the martians decide to kidnap the santa claus. Sadly without a song about the various methods they will do it. (Cut to a video of the Martians flying to earth with “Kidnap the Sandy Claws” playing as the audio).

So they make it to Earth and immediately plan to take one of the Salvation Army Santas before finding out they are fakes. So they kidnap two children who tell them Santa is in the North Pole. They head to the north pole and the children escape into the frozen tundra. They somehow survive the -91 degree temperatures, a Polar bear(just a guy in a suit), and are finally captured by the martian’s giant robot.

The martian leader then has the Robot break into the Toy Factory, and starts flipping tables and elves. Santa walks up to the Robot and calls him a giant toy. The Robot immediately has an identity crisis and decides he is now a toy.

The martians then have to go in and use freeze rays on the elves and Mrs. Claus and Santa just goes along with the Martians because he thinks it will be neat.

While on board the Martian ship, Santa Claus starts spreading good cheer to the crew. One Martian, Voldar, believes this whole Santa plan will weaken Mars and tries to throw Santa and the children out the Airlock. However Santa uses his Chimney powers to squeeze through a connected air vent and reveal Voldar’s treachery. Also using this time to drop a badass, “I’m Santa Claus, son!”

Back on Earth, the entire world is panicking over Santa being kidnapped by Martians. Scientists put together a shuttle launch to Mars and decide to skip all the safety checks because they HAVE to rescue Santa, Damnit! Apparently they haven’t seen The Martian. So they launch the rocket to Mars for the DARING RESCUE!

Santa gets to Mars and cheers up the martian children by. . . laughing near them? He works with the Martians and develops a toy factory that is almost fully automated. Santa just has to press a button. With the Toy Factory complete, Santa tells the Martian leader it is time for him to go home. The Martian Leader informs him that Santa Claus belongs to Mars now! Santa then gives a deep and threatening Ho Ho Ho while looking towards the camera.

OH SNAP! You just crossed the WRONG SANTA! He is going to deliver an entire sleighful of whoop ass on Mars NOW!

Or. . . Not? He just resigns himself to pressing buttons, and the Martian leader’s wife makes him a new suit. The comic relief Martian steals the suit and starts making more toys while Santa sleeps. While making toys, Voldar and a couple of his hench martians kidnap the fake santa thinking he is real.

Voldar then threatens to destroy Santa if the Martian leader doesn’t abandon his plans. The Martian leader reveals Voldar does not have Santa and Voldar escapes.

Santa lays a trap for Voldar using the children. Voldar comes to the Toy Factory to kill Santa and then the children bombard Voldar with toy arrows, squirt guns, tanks, offensive little native american dolls, tennis rackets and baseball bats.

After Voldar is defeated, the fake santa managed to escape all his own and apparently is good humored enough to be the Martian Santa Claus. So the Martians send Santa back to Earth with the two children, and credits roll.

So. . . I guess that rescue mission died then? We never get any word on that.

So booo! Santa conquers the Martians with love? Lame. I want Warlord Santa! I want Santa to kick ass and take names!

Tomorrow: Hulk Hogan played Santa?!?