THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!
Tonight: Santa with Muscles
Hulk Hogan plays Santa Claus. Need I say more? Good. Short review. Have a good night!
. . . Can’t say I didn’t try.
So yeah we open with a child writing to Santa about an evil billionaire attempting a nefarious scheme. Couple that with a font choice that is on par with The Dungeonmaster or Dark Dungeons, the sudden title drop of a delightfully cheerful “Santa With Muscles” is kind of a left turn.
We then cut to Hulk Hogan in army fatigues sneaking onto a mansion. He knocks out one of the garderners, and before he can walk off with a gold chest of . . . something a chef shows up and attacks him. Hulk Hogan then fights off the chef, two more gardeners, a chauffeur, and a butler. They finally surround him and says “time,” revealing that this is just a regular training exercise with his house staff.
Yep, Hulk Hogan is a rich fitness guru who apparently gets bored and decides to regularly beat up his house staff and occasionally go on paintball shooting rampages. It’s on one of these paintballing adventures that Hulk Hogan gets chased by the local sheriff’s department. He escapes into a Mall and changes into a Santa costume to make his getaway. One thing leads to another and Hulk falls down a garbage chute and gets knocked unconscious.
We briefly cut to the villains of this movie. We meet Dr. Frost who is the lead evil guy of this movie who is also a billionaire. He has a very unique hierarchy of his henchmen. His organization is full of Evil Scientists. And I don’t mean like mad scientists, I mean scientists who just happen to be evil. We Have Dr. Blight, who is an evil Doctor of Medicine. The three major Henchmen are Mr. Bile, an evil Chemist who specializes in gases, such as methane, Ms. Watt, who specializes in electricity, and Mr. Flint, who is an evil Geologist. How the hell can you be an evil geologist?!? Even his regular walking the grounds henchmen all carry measuring tools and calculators while patrolling the mansion.
We cut back to the mall where we meet Frank, a mall elf who somehow has ties to Dr. frost that never really get explained and never really go anywhere. Frank and the other elves were offerred $50 if they could get a Santa. That’s when Frank comes across the unconscious Hulk Hogan in santa gear. Frank steals Hulk’s wallet and wakes him up. Hulk apparently has amnesia from his fall and Frank convinces him that Hulk is Santa. Frank takes SantaHulk to the Santa display and collects his $50. While HulkSanta is doing a great job being a Mall Santa, a couple of fiends decide to try and steal the donation jar for the local orphanage and after a little girl cries for Santa to help, SantaHulk answers the call.
YES! THIS IS WHAT I WANTED YESTERDAY! SantaHulk beats the crap out of the two guys and the mall celebrates him as a hero!
That’s not fair, when I beat up guys while dressed as Santa, I get called a drunken disgrace.
Frank decides to take SantaHulk. . . somewhere, but on the way, they come across Dr. blight and his evil scientists harassing the local orphanage. They use their. . . Ice Cream truck(?) to yank down the statue outside and are about to hit one orphanage volunteers when SantaHulk grabs the chain and stops the Ice Cream Truck. . .sigh. . .cold.
They drive off and the orphanage welcomes SantaHulk as a hero. We then have a half hour or so of SantaHulk bonding with the children and one of the children played by HOLY SHIT THAT’S MILA KUNIS makes him a super hero-esque Santa costume. SantaHulk has a couple more run ins with the Evil Scientists of Evil before battling Dr. Blight at the top of a belltower. SantaHulk defeats Dr Blight but a robo santa somehow throws SantaHulk from the top of the belltower into a Garbage truck. As a result, SantaHulk regains his memory.
With their protector gone, Dr. Frost moves on the orphanage and starts trying to break into the cavern. Hulk tries to revert back to his old lifestyle, but finds no joy in it anymore. Frank calls Hulk and says that the orphanage is under attack and Hulk gets his house staff and decide to come to the rescue.
Hulk again runs afoul of the local sheriff’s office, and uses his healthy food alternatives to try and thwart the chase. But the sheriff’s office is ready for him this time. Or so they think. They bring a Rocket Launcher out and fire it at Hulks Humvee. They miss and blow of the sheriff’s car and Hulk just plows through the barricade.
Hulk arrives at the orphanage and begins to save the day. While there, the Orphanage volunteer he saved earlier reveals Hulk and Dr. Frost were both orphans at this orphanage and were best friends.
Hulk then goes and beats up All the evil scientists on the way to the underground cavern. He is a one man wrecking crew! He finally gets to Dr. Frost and they battle it out in the exploding crystal caverns! Once Hulk defeats Dr. Frost, it is revealed the cavern is about to explode. Everyone escapes to the convenient blast radius of the orphanage parking lot and the orphanage implodes. Pretty good effects really for a movie with this low of budget.
The sheriff’s office arrives and arrests Dr. Frost and his henchmen, while ignoring ALL of Hulk Hogan’s crimes. The orphans seemingly have no idea where to go until Hulk says he has an idea.
His mansion? Nope, Dr. Frost’s mansion. For you see, when two billionaires do battle, the one who wins gets all the others possessions! Like in The Highlander! The end.
So this movie is just cartoonishly bad but fun. It has ridiculous villains, a stupid plot, and is really just an excuse to put Hulk Hogan in a movie. I recommend checking it out on Youtube.
Tomorrow: So we’ve seen an Amnesiac convinced that he is Santa. How about when Santa becomes an Amnesiac?