THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!
Tonight: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny
Oh my god.
This was the movie that this list was made for.
The opening credits are played over elves assembling toys for the children. What’s funny is they list that the “Kids” are provided by Ruth Foreman’s Pied Piper Playhouse. Why is Kids in quotes? Are they not real kids? Can they not legally be called kids due to the mutations?
The elves notice that the Reindeer have returned, but Santa is not with them. They act concerned for a minute, but then shrug and say it will work itself out.
Really a proactive bunch. No wonder they don’t make the deliveries.
Santa’s sleigh apparently got stuck in the sand on a beach in Florida. And by stuck, I mean it is sitting on the sand and has a bit of sand piled over the bottom rails. His Reindeer tried to pull him out, but they grew too hot and apparently just abandoned Santa to his beached death. Santa apparently has no idea what to do so he sings a song. Then he psychically calls a bunch of nearby children to him. He calls most of them by name, except one group of girls he just calls “Girls” and then the last girl he just calls “Kid.”
Huckleberry Finn and Tom Swayer apparently hear the call of Santa too and bring their Raft ashore to spy on Santa from the bushes. They never do anything else throughout the entire movie. And why the hell are they in Florida? Didn’t they mainly ride around on the Mississippi River? I may not be too good at Geography, but I’m pretty damn sure the Mississippi River doesn’t connect to Florida!
The “kids” come to him and he tells them his plight. They then run off to find a bunch of animals to do what 12 reindeer could not. The first girl shows up with a Gorilla.
Someone wrote that down in the script. They had productions meetings about this. They made sure to have a Gorilla costume on hand for this scene. They hired someone to put on the Gorilla costume. Money was invested into this scene. There was a shot list written out to include “The Gorilla Scene.” They shot this scene multiple times from multiple angles.
WHO IN THE BLUE CRAP THOUGHT THIS WAS A WORTHWHILE SCENE?!?
(Sigh) so the Gorilla attempts to pull the Sleigh out and can’t do it. We then have children bring a cow, a sheep, a horse, a donkey, and all to no avail. Santa decides to tell the children the tale of Jack and the Beanstalk.
Now we get around to why this movie exists. The producer wanted to air a couple of Fairy Tail movies directed by another director, but wanted to show them during Christmas. So he filmed a wrap around story and then just inserted the other two films into this movie. So there are actually two different versions of this film. One with Thumbelina, and the other with Jack and the Beanstalk(the one we have here).
The Jack and the Beanstalk story is fine. It has better singing and slightly higher production values, but is still bad. It’s your standard story, so I’ll skip over it.
When Santa is done with the story, all the kids abandon him. Just as Santa has resolved himself to his death, the children return on a firetruck driven by the Ice Cream Bunny!
Why is he called the ice cream bunny? F*** if I know. He never gives anyone Ice Cream. He’s not made of Ice Cream. He never even talks, he just nods his head oddly and occasionally his eye will go droopy.
He gives Santa a ride in his Firetruck, and apparently that fire truck is able to get to the north pole from Florida in about three minutes. As soon as Santa is back in the North Pole, the sled instantly teleports out of the sand to the North Pole.
WHAT?!? THAT’S ALL YOU HAD TO DO? Why the hell didn’t you ride one of the reindeer back? I’ve seen people do it all the time in other Christmas movies! Just hop on and go! Or if that’s all it took, leave the damn sleigh and go find help instead of spending several days on the beach dying of heat stroke!
This movie is stupid but I recommend you track down a Rifftrax copy, because the few parts I’ve seen of the Rifftrax is damn hilarious! This movie needs to be seen to be believed, but again, don’t go in unprotected.
Tomorrow: Well, if you can’t get the Right brothers to save Christmas. . .