Troll 2

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Troll 2

Creedence Leonore Gielgud is my favorite!

This movie is just absolutely gold! This is basically an Are You Afraid of the Dark episode dialed to 11. Only without the budget and actors before they “made it.”

So Troll 2 is about Goblins (which should already throw up some flags) who are vegetarians. Which would make you think that we would be safe by default, but nope. Rather than eat all the regular fruits and veggies in their farming town, they decide to turn humans into plants to eat them. That’s like chopping up Kale into powder and mixing it into chocolate cake mix to add veggies to your “diet.”

This movie is a warning about what will happen if we let Vegans take over!

So yeah, the Goblins turn people into plants by making them eat green food that the Goblins made. At one point when the main character’s family is about to chow down on green food, his dead grandpa stops time to think of a way to stop them from eating it. So after much thought, he decides to piss on all the green food.

Yep.

Then his dad takes him to his room, throws him on the bed and starts unbuckling his belt. . .

“What are you going to do to me?!?”

“I’M TIGHTENING MY BELT ONE NOTCH TO STOP MY HUNGER PAINS! AND YOUR SISTER AND MOTHER WILL HAVE TO DO THE SAME!”

Kid, you got lucky. In the real world, that belt would be whipping your backside. And that was best case scenario.

My honest first thought was he was going to make the punishment fit the crime.

So yeah, as the Goblins start eatting the cannon fodder of the sister’s boyfriend’s friends, the family finally start believing that something is wrong with this town. And ultimately the day is saved by a double decker bologna sandwich. Because goblins apparently can’t the meat toxins. So like Invader Zim, they can’t handle meat.

God, everyone needs to see this movie! Available on Amazon Prime

Tomorrow: What happens when you mix Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds with Instagram Filters? The answer will Shock and Terrify you.

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