Jack VS Lanterns

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Jack VS Lanterns

Wow. There is a LOT to unpack here.

For starters, this is a sequel to a 2014 film called Lumber VS Jack. And apparently it is somewhat important to see that movie first. Apparently in that movie, Jack combats mutant trees. This time it is mutant pumpkins.

So the movie starts with a guy using a hoe(the garden tool) on a genetically modified pumpkin patch and accidentally cuts his toes off. He ends up dripping blood on the pumpkins and then one latches onto his head, turning him into a guy with a pumpkin mask on. He then tries to put the pumpkin on a scarecrow. Doesn’t work. He later finds the only black guy in the entire movie and puts the pumpkin on him.

Meanwhile, the golddigger wife of the owner of the evil corporation from the first movies finds out that because her husband hated her in the end, she was written out of his will. Fortunately, this can be solved by pretending he didn’t die in the last film and they simply clone him so he can write a new will, appear in public to dispel the “he died” rumors, and publicly murder him again.

Following along so far?

People are slowly getting attacked by and turned into pumpkin monsters, but it is happening so sporadically that no one believes it is happening and still continue to attend the town’s pumpkin festival.

At the pumpkin festival, the golddigger wife parades around the clone(who has the mind of 13 year old) and hires a guy to kill the clone in a mass shooting. Jack happens to be at the festival when the guy with an assault rifle(again, get off me!) and wearing a Ninja outfit, opens fire. Jack uses a throwing axe that, using the most advanced forms of free editing software, flies across the screen and kills the would-be assassin.

So the golddigger decides to axe the clone herself and plant Cloned hair samples of Jack’s hair at the “scene” to frame him for murder. So the sheriff places Jack under house arrest with an ankle bracelet that apparently repeatedly shocks him if he ventures away from the premesis.

Well, mutant pumpkin people start attacking en masse so he braves the electric shocks and starts Smashing Pumpkins. With an axe.

It gets to the point where Jack, his sister Jill, and 2 random women that are connected to him somehow are battling a Giant Mutant Pumpkin Person who can shoot lasers from his hands while simultaneously trying to disarm a bomb that will turn everyone in the world into mutant pumpkins.

YEAH. THAT HAPPENED.

So they manage to rig the bomb to disperse the special herbicide that specifically targets mutant pumpkins, turning everyone that were only orange faced back to normal, but due to the ones with pumpkins on their heads are dead because reasons. Except for the one black guy, because joke about him being brainless. Yeah. . .

Anywho, so this movie is riDICULOUSLY low budget. It pretty much banks on us laughing at the cheapness and absurdity of everything. Honestly though, this time it works. It is just over the top enough that it kind of works for it. However, I think it leans into it a little too much for it to go anywhere.

Tomorrow: So we’ve had zombies, mutant pumpkins, Werewolves(Vampires), Trolls(goblins), Vampires(Psychosis), and aliens on this list so far, but I think it’s time to introduce a few Wicked Witches.

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