Cannibal! The Musical

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Cannibal! The Musical

So this earns its spot for budgetary reasons along with the silly subject matter.

This film was Created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone while they were still in college. It started as a 3 minute mock trailer before they were pressured into making it a full film by everyone who watched it.

Although it is clearly low budget, the writing and dialogue that would later make South Park one of the most popular shows on cable is clearly present.

It is loosely based on the true story of Alfred Packer who ended up resorting to cannibalism when he and his party were trapped in the Rocky Mountains while traveling from Utah to Colorado.

It is told in flashback as Packer is telling his story to a reporter while he stands trial for the murder and cannibalization of his fellow travelers.

Packer is a miner who gets roped into leading a group of other miners from Utah to Colorado to stake a claim for gold, because he apparently worked in Colorado at one time and they think he might know how to get back there.

Packer woefully underestimates the time it will take to travel there and despite the warnings given to him by a group of asians pretending to be indians(yeah. . . cultural sensitivity needs to take a back seat on this one), he leads them into the mountains during winter to try and find his lost horse.

Oh right, Packer loves his horse. He has about two love songs about his horse. One morning his horse disappears and is believed to have been stolen by trappers.

While they are lost in the mountains, they run into an ex confederate soldier with an empty eye socket that spews puss, routinely get into arguments about food and directions, and one of them sings a happy song about building a snowman, long before Disney got their shot.

After he tries to sing the snowman song a second time, one of the other travelers(Bell) shoots him dead. Probably because somebody bought his child a recorder and the frozen song book. The party then decides to eat the dead guy in order to survive.

Packer then has a dream where he is in a dance off with one of the trappers that stole his horse. Complete with leotards and a cheap black curtain in the background.

Packer wakes up and decides to scout ahead. When he comes back, Bell has killed the rest of the party and is getting wood together so they can have enough meat to survive til summer. When Bell starts getting paranoid about Packer, Packer stabs him in the face with a meat cleaver. When Bell jumps up again, Packer shoots him with a gun. When Bell jumps up again, Packer stabs him in the eye with a stick. When Bell jumps up again, Packer throws various items at him before stabbing him in the chest with a pick axe.

Packer then survives on the corpses of his traveling companions until he finally makes it out of the Rocky mountains. He lies and says he and his party got separated until the local sheriff goes out with a search party to discover that everyone else was dead and eaten.

Packer is tried and sentenced to hang. At the last minute the governor pardons him because colorado was not a state at the time and Packers actions fall under the jurisdiction of the asian indians. The trapper tries to hang him anyway, but the indian chief arrives and uses his katana to cut the rope and then cuts off the trappers head. The reporter and Packer start to talk about living happily ever after when Bell jumps up again and the credits roll.

All in all, a good movie. Which is not what we’re going for on this list.

Tomorrow: With all this talk of eating people, now would be a great time to watch Troll 2, but I already used that one. However. . .

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