The Legend of Hallowaiian


Tonight: The Legend of Hallowaiian

So, I was wondering what to do this year after my spectacular failure last year. I wasn’t even sure I was going to do anything this year.

Then as I was sitting in my pod at work, a trailer popped up that had been playing for weeks about this Pineapple Headed monster running around in an animated film. This movie looked horrible and the only reason to watch it would be to mock it. That’s when I came up with the idea for watching all the worst movies.

So yes, this is the movie that inspired me to watch a whole bunch of bad movies this year. So how bad would it suck if the movie actually turned out to be GOOD!

Don’t worry, that did NOT happen.

So to get the basics out of the way, the animation is horrible. Just plain bad. This movie looks like the animatics of other good movies. Other film studios would pay millions more to get the water to look like water, the smoke to behave like smoke, and have the characters eyes looking in the same direction more consistently. But the producer decided, “Eh, close enough, ship it out.”

So this movie revolves around three kids in Hawaii who find a secret cave, with a secret chest, with a secret D&D miniature figurine inside. Despite the warnings of his friends, Kai opens the chest and finds the miniature. Then a really low quality N64 cave-in happens. Despite Kai and his friend Leilani leaving their friend Eddie to die, he somehow survives.

His friends then lie to his grandfather about opening the chest and then his grandfather tells them the tale of Pineapple Head and how Maui and the Islanders from Moana defeated him.

Meanwhile, we learn that Kai’s mother worked for Nasa and gave Kai a moon rock. Kai lets Eddie wear it with his astronaut Hallowee- I mean Hallowaiian costume as an apology for leaving him to die. Yeah, that’s a thing in this film. Whenever someone calls the holiday Halloween, they get harshly corrected that it is Hallowaiian.

As they go out trick or treating, they are given King Hawaiian rolls by the first house they come to. This just strikes me as the movie thinking this is what Hawaii is like after watching Moana and eating King’s Hawaiian bread. So Pineapple Head is following the kids and despite Eddie seeing Pineapple Head and registering him as a threat, he just casually walks away as Pineapple Head takes a swipe at him. Then when Pineapple Head grows even larger and attacks the children, he corners eddie and makes a slow swipe at Eddie which he slowly dodges, then another swipe, which he again dodges. Eddie the decides to run and Pineapple Head starts destroying things. Kai decides to abandon his friends to die and runs off in a different direction. Eddie and Leilana manage to escape Pineapple Head with the help of tiny neon colored hamsters.

These Hamsters apparently can build anything, including helicopters, ziplines, and even a giant pretend pineapple head. They apparently can also summon Kai from another dimension where they apparently hid him for safekeeping after rescuing him from Pineapple Head earlier.

Kai and his friends decide to take the moon rock that Pineapple Head is chasing them for up to mount doom and toss it into the lava to destroy it. Eddie manages to get to the lip of the volcano(after being flown in a whirley-bird made out of bamboo and coconuts) and instead of throwing it into the volcano, he just stands there until Pineapple Head walks up, takes it from him, and walks away.

Kai and his friends then summon the Lava Goddess in order to help stop Pineapple Head. The Lava Goddess tells Kai that the moon is what gives Pineapple head his power and they must cut off the moon to defeat him.

Sounds to me like the exact opposite message from Avatar: The last Airbender.

The Lava Goddess also tells Kai to summon ancient warriors from a nearby graveyard to stop Pineapple head. While he is doing that, Eddie and Leluna go into a head on assault on Pineapple head with the Whirleybird. They get swatted out of the sky.

Kai then shows up with an army of ripped blue meanies. They do absolutely nothing, but Kai gets close enough to pumpkin head to steal the moon rock back, the lava goddess blocks out the moon, and then sharks come and chow down on pineapple head until he is back to figurine size. After we assume Kai has died for a second, a couple of sharks bring Kai back to shore. You know, instead of eating him. They seriously push him right up to the beach, then just reverse back into the water.

So Kai shirks is responsibility as new guardian of pineapple head’s chest and gives it to the blue meanies to watch over. Then the credits roll.

This movie is just ridiculously bad in animation, story, voice acting, and focusing on what they need to focus on. Leluno asks the hamsters when she is on the whirley bird whether they included parachutes and the joke was that they made tiny ones for the hamsters. However they never angle the “camera” at the tiny parachute, they just have the hamster barely pull one into frame and Lonulo just suddenly look at it in her hand. But instead of looking at her hand, we see her face looking at her hand. There was also a scene of Pineapple Head chasing A fake Kai made by the Hamsters, but we don’t notice it is a fake Kai until we get a birds eye wide shot of Pineapple head knocking the fake kai over instead of getting a shot of Pineapple Head thinking he caught Kai, then cutting to the fake kai and then Pineapple Head realizing he’s been duped. It is just badly done.

Ultimately, this is the laughably bad movie I wanted, so I guess Success?

What am I winning here?

Tomorrow: With all the evil vegetation larely, maybe it’s best we stay out of the Woods. . .

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