The Evil Woods


Tonight: The Evil Woods

. . . Honestly, how many times can I say “this was a bad movie” this month? This movie is basically a student film from a kid who didn’t bother showing up to his film classes.

It starts out like it might have regular adult actors, but they get axed off in the first few minutes, with the Axe murderer attacking the man while the moon is out and is still steadily chopping when the sun comes out. We then cut to our ACTUAL college age main characters. We meet Douche Master McBroFace with his two lady friends who can’t seem to stand him, but who have a threesome with him later anyway. Then Steve and his girlfriend Shannon show up and bribe DM McBF with Weed and gas money and a larger vehicle to let them tag along on the camping trip. The opening credits roll as they all seem to have a fun and enjoyable drive to the campgrounds. Then they arrive and everyone reverts back to bitching at everyone else.

They sit around the campfire drinking beer and telling stories when a guy randomly shows up at the campfire and instead of telling him to eff off, they give him a beer and he tells them a story about a local man who was burned to death in his cabin after a bunch of teens locked him in and shot fireworks at his cabin as a prank. He then walks back into the woods.

DM McBF then pisses on the campire to “put it out,” Shannon gets disgusted and goes to bed, and then DM McBF has a threesome with the other two ladies off screen.

Shannon then has a weird dream where she goes for a walk and finds another tent, and then someone grabs her head. She then wakes up and proceeds to bitch and complain when Steve suggests they go for a hike.

As they are hiking, the director managed somehow managed to convince not one, but two of the college girls in this movie to sunbathe topless on a pier. Oh and McBroFace continues to go around peeing on stuff, this time an animal skull of some sort. Oh and random Redneck is jacking off in the woods while watching the girls.

After everyone makes it back to camp and start bitching about the lack of food, Steve and McBroFace go to the truck to get the second cooler of food when they find the Redneck standing in front of their truck, warning them they should leave the woods. It is then that Steve discovers both of the front tires are flat. McBroFace goes to confront the Redneck, but he has disappeared.

As the boys carry the cooler back to camp, the axe murderer kills the Redherring- I mean Redneck. Steve and McBroFace then run into the guy from the campfire and he says he’ll bring them a satellite phone later to help with the truck. When they make it back to camp, one of the girls has wandered off, and Shannon demands they leave now. Steve and Shannon go wait at the truck for the guy with the phone, McBroFace goes to collect firewood, and the other girl goes to search for the other other girl.

Honestly at this point, the only one I don’t want to see die is Steve. He actually seems like a nice guy and wants to do stuff like hike and camp. McBroFace is a complete douchebag tool, his two lady friends are just pothead wastes that are only around to be naked for one scene and have no real personality, and Shannon spends the ENTIRE trip bitching and rolling her eyes at people. Steve’s only real sin is having shitty friends.

Well, the killer finds McBroFace first, and finally kills him. However, it is not a satisfying death because McBroFace continues to to talk while being killed. Then the girl that was searching for the other girl finds her. She finds it weird that she isn’t responding. When she holds the lantern higher, she realizes someone is holding her head. We then find out that her friend is also without a body.

That’s something I probably would have noticed rather sooner. Anywho, she runs off and finds McBroFace’s corpse. Then the axe murderer kills her.

Shannon and Steve sit in the truck for most of the night, with Shannon continuing to bitch over and over and over again that they should just leave. Now, this is all justified if they knew murder was going on. However, they don’t know anything and Shannon is telling him to drive off and leave the other three there and that Steve can come back and get them when she is home. Steve finally relents to drive on the rims, but the car won’t start. Steve gets out to check under the hood and the axe murderer shows up and kills him. Oh well, guess the sin of shitty friends is enough to get you killed.

Shannon hides and falls asleep until morning. When she wakes up, she finds Steve’s blood all over the front of the truck and then the guy with the phone comes over to comfort her as she is freaking out. Then the Axe murderer shows up and kills Shannon and the second red herring. Credits roll.

This movie sucked. Worst part is I had to pay for it. If it becomes available to stream for free, might be worth watching just for mockery, but do NOT waste money on this trash heap.

Tomorrow: (draws a piece of paper from the bucket) . . . You have got to be kidding me. CAN WE GET OUT OF THE DAMN WOODS ALREADY?!?

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