The Woods of Evil

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: The Woods of Evil

Not to be confused with The Evil Woods, though I would argue they were probably entered into the same 24 hour film competition. Necessary elements are Location: Woods, Character: Axe murder, Props: Animal Skull, Costume: Parka.

The “horror” aspect of this movie is very back burner. It begins with a background about a bunch of cases where people disappear on the way to the jersey shore. Then the disappearances stop. Or Do they. . .? Then we get a couple murdered when they stop to pee. Then we get around to meeting our main characters.

Ray, Dice, and Paco are all ex convicts who are finding life after incarceration too difficult in their current neighborhood, they decide to pull a big job and leave for California. They decide to kidnap a rich guy’s daughter. As luck would have it, they end up kidnapping 2 rich guys daughters. They take them back to an abandoned house(that still has a working fridge) and a jogger is murdered.

The two rich daughters basically keep mouthing off to their kidnappers, and the kidnappers keep threatening to kill them. Then a creepy old man comes up to the house and warns them of impending doom. He is then killed by the axe murderer.

Ray meets with one of the rich fathers and gets 3 million dollars in a camera bag- I mean “suitcase”. Ray then returns to find that the girls have escaped while Dice and Paco were asleep. And they chase them down. . . because? Honestly, if they just let them run away and left, they would be home free. They are planning to flee the state already. The girls and them were out in the middle of nowhere, so why chase them down.

Well, they do and After Dice verifies that they have the three million, he says they should kill the girls, which Ray intercedes and says they shouldn’t. Again, why? I mean, yes, obviously murder is bad, but considering that just letting them run away is apparently bad for the plan, possibly because the girls can identify them, then killing them is actually better for the plan because then your witnesses are gone. Well, for two of them at least. Ray sat right next to the father paying the ransom and made no attempt to conceal his identity, so . . .

Anywho, the guys start infighting about money and the plan because the girls are successfully playing mind games. Then when Paco and Ray are fighting, Dice takes the money and runs. Now, in the last 10 minutes of the hour and a half film, the killer FINALLY starts killing the main characters. Dice gets a hatchet to the face. Ray gets a couple of arrows to the chest and then decapitated and put in the fridge. Paco gets impaled on a pointy tree stump. One rich girl gets caught in a bear trap and the other gets stabbed in the leg by the killer, but they end up overcoming the killer and stab him repeatedly with sticks. They limp out to the road, screaming the whole time and a car stops to help them. We then hear breathing as something is moving through the woods implying the killer is somehow still alive.

This movie also sucks. The killer is such a non factor through the entire movie, considering the infighting would have resulted in at least two of the guys getting killed, if not all three. One weird thing is that this is referred to as the “Unrated Director’s Cut” but this could easily be PG-13. There is no nudity, there is very little gore, and even the cussing isn’t that strong. So what is Unrated?

Tomorrow: NO MORE WOODS! I AM SICK OF THE GOD DAMN WOODS!

In Space, No one goes into the Woods!

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