THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!
Tonight: Space Boobs IN SPACE
So this movie popped up when I was looking up Nudist Colony of the Dead and I liked the title too much to immediately dismiss it. Thing was I knew absolutely NOTHING about this film. There were no trailers, video reviews, or real descriptions. The description from amazon listed swamp monsters, ghosts, and vampires, so there was enough in there to justify a Halloween entry.
My first worry was this was just going to be a nude-fest, like Orgy of the Dead. Fortunately there is no nudity in this film.
My second worry that this was actually a good film after a few early jokes. Fortunately it is not.
I don’t know where my priorities are.
So one thing I did not realize until the first 20 minutes, this is an anthology film. This movie comes with not one, but TWO wrap around stories. Kind of?
It starts with a woman recovering a data disc and finding a video made by a woman with duct tape over her nipples(OUCH) imploring her not to watch it. We all ignore the warnings.
The woman plays the video. We then have a woman who is an alien(you can tell by the green makeup) and she talks about Space Boobs in Space the movie, and meeting with the cast and director. We then cut to a historical reenactment of first contact between humans and the aliens. The aliens prize human breast milk and in exchange they give us alien breast milk that keeps them young and immortal. Human breast milk apparently keeps them from reverting to squid people. This alien race keeps refering to female breasts as “the titty.”
That movie ends and the aliens interview the directors and actors. And everyone just goes around testing their weirdest accents. It is painful to watch.
The short films are generally weird. One has a woman pick up a hooker to play Operation(TM) on her crotch. Then we have one where a real estate agent is trying to sell real estate to Jason Voorhees in the woods(GOD FUCKING DAMNIT! I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THIS!). Then a guy proposes to his girlfriend of a few months and gives her his grandmother’s ring. She then starts seeing a ghost. When the girl asks about his ex fiance, he takes her out to the place that she died. The girl then stabs him before he attacks her. The ghost nods her approval.
Then we see a woman eating cheesecake in a tub and nothing else happens. Then we get a long drawn out interview of the alien host interviewing the alien queen(I guess). The Alien queen is THE MOST PAINFUL part of the movie. And she has THE MOST SCREENTIME!
Then we get the vampire story, “Lapdance at the gates of hell.” Apparently vampires steal your car to get back by morning. A couple girls go to recover their car and phone. They find a den of female vampires and before they are willing to return the phone and car keys, one of the girls has to perform a lapdance for a vampire. Mid lapdance, the vampire bites the girl’s butt. The girls then book it out of there. The girl who was bitten then drops her pants to reveal fangs on her but and then uses her butt fangs to bite her friend’s neck.
There’s a short about interviewing a mud monster. Goes nowhere. There is a another girl who has horror movie music play whenever she touches anything. That one ends with ghostface popping up, doing nothing, then farting and dancing off the screen.
This movie apparently was made on a $1000 budget, a mix of phone and vhs cameras, and shot on the weekends. With that in mind, it is not too bad. The effort is there and a few of the short films aren’t too bad. The ghost ring short is actually my favorite of the shorts. This is clearly a labor of love and it actually has some quality put into it that many of the films on this list so far lack.
Also the theme song at the beginning is kind of catchy.
Tomorrow: So we go from a shoestring budget and a labor of love, to a shootstring budget and an attempt at investor fraud.