THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!
Tonight: Jingle All the Way 2
So, I’ve never understood the hatred of Jingle All the Way. It made perfect sense to me at the time because this was around the time Power Rangers toys were selling out at an unbelievable rate, and this was also the year Tickle Me Elmo’s were first introduced, which FAMOUSLY were hard to find. So taking it to an absurd degree was fine. I thought it was funny, though I kept thinking that if I was the kid at the end of the movie, I would still want the Turboman doll, REGARDLESS of whether my dad was the real Turboman.
Then again, I was a kid at the time of the first Jingle of the Way. And I can’t get past the nostalgia goggles.
For Jingle All the Way 2, I am a man grown. And I think it’s stupid.
Larry the cable guy, who is also named Larry in the movie, plays a divorced dad whose ex wife just got remarried. His wife definitely traded up to such an insane degree that you wonder why the hell she was slumming with Larry. She marries Vincent, the CEO of a box company. And apparently this is the most famous and most powerful box company in the world! Or at least in this 500 mile area.
He has a mansion, a personal yacht, and on a whim manages to have a ridiculous light display set up around his mansion. However, apparently he is self conscious about his role as Step-Father, so he is hellbent on replacing Larry as the best father.
Larry and Vincent both get into a competition over Noel’s affection(the little girl of the movie). Vincent has his mansion lit up professionally. Larry has a ridiculous light set up made out of old car parts and blows himself up. Vincent uses machines to create fake snow so he and Noel can have a snowball fight. Larry fills up a truck with real snow, but when he opens the truck back up, it is of course water.
Things come to a head when Noel writes a letter to Santa that is poorly written. Larry reads the letter and determines she wants the Harrison Bear, which is a Furby knock off. Vincent sends one of his workers to shadow Larry and determine what he is trying to get.
Vincent then launches Operation “Who’s your daddy?” Which has Vincent’s employee going to insane degrees to prevent Larry from getting a Harrison Bear. He buys out every Harrison Bear for 500 miles. Larry enters mechanical bull-er. . . reindeer contest, and the guy pays off the guy operating the reindeer. Larry dresses up as a homeless guy to steal one from a soup kitchen Santa, and the guy pays a kid to con Larry into giving him the bear.
Eventually Larry figures out what’s going on and Confronts Vincent and they get locked inside the warehouse full of Harrison Bears. While they are having a Harrison Bear Fight, a news reporter and an angry mob track down the guy who was actually buying all the Harrison bears.
The fighting fathers eventually come to terms and use a forklift to escape. After talking to the mother, they find out the guy buckled and blamed Vincent for everything. So they decide to show up with a truckload of Harrison Bears with Vincent dressed as Santa and give them all away for free, “which was the plan all along!”
With the angry mob appeased, everyone celebrates Christmas together and when Noel opens her Harrison Bear, she is doesn’t care about it at all. Apparently they misread the letter due to horrible spacing and it read that she wanted her “Family together as one” instead of “Family to get Herasone.”
Yeah, this movie is stupid, it isn’t really funny, it has no connection to the original movie, save for a toy shortage, and for some reason was made by the WWE, but it has no wrestlers or wrestling in it. Why?!? Stick to wrestling or at least have the decency to have a wrestler in it. Not Larry the freaking cable guy!
Tomorrow: Speaking of sequels no one asked for to movies over a decade old. . . Huh, I guess I need to be more specific this week. It’s Christmas Vacation 2.