Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!: A Christmas Story

TEMPLARKNIGHT’S FAVORITE HOLIDAY MOVIES

17. A Christmas Story

I’m throwing this in early because it is SO DAMN OBVIOUS, that building up the suspense is silly.

My mother HATES this movie, as a result, I love it. Or maybe cause and effect are reversed.

Drink more Ovaltine.

I can’t put down my arms.

You’ll shoot your eye out!

OH FFFFFFUUUUUDGE(except I didn’t say fudge!)

Hell, this entire post could just be quoting the entire movie out of sequence. Good idea for the comments section.

This movie was a cult classic that is kind of getting beaten to death. One of the consequences of Nerd culture becoming mainstream is that things are becoming less special. Yes, I will always fight for things I love to be enjoyed by a wider audience, but when that comes at the cost of marketing everything out without understanding what was good about it in the first place, it loses something.

All you need to do is look at the Sequel(s), the musical, the “Live” musical, the 24 hour repeat on TBS, and the f***ing phone ads to see that they are trying to kill it.

Though, it being Christmas, that is what we tend to do. I still enjoy it. It is a nice wholesome reflection of what it is like to be a kid waiting for Christmas and trying to follow what you think the rules are.

Next Time: Sticking to children. Hehe Sticky.

Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!: Eight Crazy Nights

TEMPLARKNIGHT’S FAVORITE HOLIDAY MOVIES:

18. Eight Crazy Nights

So, in going back and pulling these reviews, I found out that I actually tried to do my favorite Holiday movies 2 years in a row. I posted like 4 movies in 2015, and then I did the full on list in 2016. Awkward. In 2015 I posted this review on the 8th because Hanukkah was starting. In 2016 I posted it because Hanukkah was on the 24th, which was my birthday, and I wasn’t having it. My apologies to the Hebrew People.

This is one of the movies that makes this more of a holiday list than a Christmas list. They celebrate Christmas in it, too though.

A lot of people dislike this movie, but I think it’s great. I for one enjoy the songs and most of the jokes work for me. Not to mention the animation is fantastic.

This was released back when I was young enough to believe Adam Sandler could do no wrong. Clearly I’ve moved past that, but those movies I enjoyed then I still enjoy now, so bleh.

I know it ranks pretty damn low for everyone else, but damnit, the jokes are funny, the songs are enjoyable, and the deer are. . . Alright, the deer are f***ing disgusting, but I stand by everything else in this movie!

Seriously, What the hell, Adam?

Next Time: My mom read this post and now I have to find Lifebuoy Soap.

Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!: Die Hard

TEMPLARKNIGHT’S FAVORITE HOLIDAY MOVIES

19. Die Hard

Because F*** You, It’s Die Hard!

Oh right, HD-Remastered and on Long Damn Reviews. Crap.

I was late to the Die Hard game. Live Free Die Hard was actually about to come out when I saw Die Hard. I can’t remember 100% whether I saw Die Hard then Live Free Die Hard or vice versa, but I would reasonably guess that me being me, I would have watched them in order.

And yes of course, I thought it was awesome!

As far as the sequels go, I thought Die Hard 2 was just okay. Die Hard with a Vengeance was great, but not Christmas related, Live Free Die Hard was good, but needed the R rating, and I haven’t seen the Russian one.

Now, there is an argument online about whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie. Obviously, because it is on my Holiday list, I MUST believe it is a Christmas movie, right?

I say, technically it is. It checks all the boxes. Takes place during Christmas. Has Christmas music. Main character makes a santa pun. Even has a couple get back together, which is common in holiday movies.

And I am willing to let things in on a technicality. However, it had to be pointed out to me that it was a Christmas movie. Honestly, in my heart of hearts I don’t see it as a Christmas movie, it is an action movie that takes place during Christmas. I don’t get the heartwarming feeling of Christmas while watching this movie, I just get the Yippee Ki Yay, MotherF***er, It’s DIE HARD feeling. Hell, even Reindeer Games had a heartwarming Christmas ending, but hey, IT’S DIE HARD!

Next Time: F*** You, It’s Hannukah.

Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!: Ernest Saves Christmas

TEMPLARKNIGHT’S FAVORITE HOLIDAY MOVIES

20. Ernest Saves Christmas

This has probably been a staple of many people’s Christmas classics for a long time, but only recently has it become one of mine. The one who really got me into this movie was Nostalgia Critic, with his hilarious review of the film. I can’t watch it now without mentally implanting some of the gags from the review.

I watched several of the Ernest movies as a kid, but they mostly all melded together. It becomes confusing to know what I actually watched and what I just assume I saw.

Seriously, no gif? It’s just sitting there! Whatever. . .

So Santa has decided to pass on the mantle of Santa Claus, but Ernest accidentally steals his magic bag. This results in Santa getting arrested. This is what happens when you go out in public asking people about your sack.

Ernest breaks Santa out of Jail and sneaks him onto a Movie set in order to convince one of the actors to become Santa. In the process, Santa assaults the director. This strangely doesn’t get a return to jail.

When all hope seems lost, Ernest doubles down on stealing stuff and steals Santa’s sleigh. The flying sleigh and reindeer go a lot further in convincing the actor to become Santa than an old man talking about his magic sack.

So Ernest nearly wrecks Christmas by stealing a sack, but saves it by stealing the sleigh. Hey, worked for Tim Allen.

Honestly, what drives this movie more than ANYTHING is the old man playing Santa. He is just so heartwarming and just everything you want Santa to be. Even willing to throw a punch once and a while.

Next Time: Now for someone who REALLY knows how to save Christmas

Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!: Arthur Christmas

TEMPLARKNIGHT’S FAVORITE HOLIDAY MOVIES

21. Arthur Christmas

This is a Christmas film that came and went without a whole lot of notice. I missed it in Theaters, even though I was looking forward to it based on just an awesome teaser trailer. I watched it on demand a few years back and thought it was awesome.

It’s basically the story of 3 generations of the Claus family and reluctance to pass the torch to the next generation and for the right reasons. The current Santa, with the help of his eldest son, have turned the delivery of presents into a full scale military operation with Elves going in the middle of the night like mission impossible to deliver presents. The problem is, one present is missed and then all hell breaks loose with everyone trying to deliver the last present and the conflict between generations of the best way to deliver it.

It’s just a lot of fun and at the same time fairly heartwarming. Just like a Christmas movie should be.

I don’t have a lot to add. This post I seemed to have gotten right the first time. Here, have a gif wrapped polar bear.

Next Time: Sticking with the theme of passing on the mantle of Santa. . .

Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!: The Santa ClausE

TEMPLARKNIGHT’S FAVORITE HOLIDAY MOVIES

22. The Santa ClausE

Taking a page out of On a Pale Horse, the office of Santa Claus is transferable to the man that murders him. You’d think that would have been Jack Frost’s go to move in the third movie, but no, a convoluted plot with Snow Globes was the better attack plan. Clearly.

This movie is the staple of most Millennial childhoods. You know what is weird about movies that HAVE a Santa Claus? That children get presents from Santa, but apparently both parents just have an unspoken bond that they both believe the other parent got the presents and never brought it up. This movie is apparently willing to send a kid to counseling because he still believes in Santa. What the hell?!?

So I have to fault this movie for screwing up my spelling of Santa Claus. I honestly don’t think I had the correct spelling of Santa Claus until college or later. I kept putting in the E at the end, not aware of the joke. Didn’t help that I didn’t really know what a legal clause was.

One thing I noticed during a re-watch, Tim Allen always gets cast in these heartwarming family movies, but he always starts out playing a VERY convincing self centered jerk to start out. Yes he learns his lessons in the end, but it amazes me how he got so typecast for family friendly.

(Runs a brief check to see if the other Santa ClausE movies are on the list)

Nope, alright, so I can discuss the sequels without stomping on a later post.

Santa Clause 2: I enjoy this one, except it feels like 2 different movies. And honestly I remember it as two different movies. Santa needs to find a Mrs. Clause and -DAMNIT I MEAN CLAUS! Ugh, So he needs to find a Mrs. Claus and deal with his son who is now on the Naughty list. Then you have this whole OTHER movie in which Robo-Santa decides to take over Christmas while Santa is out and when Santa returns he has to battle an army of Toy Soldiers to reclaim his North Pole.

And due to Santa Clause 2 coming out 3 years after Futurama’s “X-Mas Story,” we know EXACTLY who ripped off who.

Futurama ripped off Santa Clause 2, because Futurama takes place in the year 3000.

Santa Clause 3 was garbage. Pure. Simple. Done.

Next Time: Not to mention, ELF Team Six was badass, but gets COMPLETELY outclassed by our next team of military coordinated Elves.

Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!: Reindeer Games

TEMPLARKNIGHT’S FAVORITE HOLIDAY MOVIES

23. Reindeer Games

Yeah, probably not what you’d call a GOOD movie, and has in some spots just some weird twists, but hey, I like it, and it’s my damn list.

Ben Affleck plays a car thief who is two days away from retireme- wait, nevermind, two days away from being released from prison. His cell mate, Nick is also being released in two days, or at least he was until he gets stabbed to death in a prison riot.

Ben gets out and then runs into Nick’s pen pal, Ashley(Charlize Theron). Ben pretends to be Nick and thus starts his entry into r/TIFU.

Ashley’s Brother Gabriel(Gary Sinise) and his gang kidnap Ben because Nick used to work at a Casino. They plan to rob the casino dressed as Santas and use Nick’s knowledge to get the megabucks!

So Ben leans on everything that the real Nick told him about the Casino and actually manages to be somewhat useful. In between escape attempts that is. During one escape attempt he comes across Ashley and Gabriel pulling a Cersei and Jaime.

Then we find out they aren’t actually related. Oh thank god!

Stay close Shyamalan, we’re gonna need you.

Also Ashley isn’t being used by Gabriel, she helped plan it. Ringleader even.

Ben, Gabriel, and the gang storm the Casino as Santas. A couple of the red shirted Santas get killed and then Ashley rams a car into the Casino and Ashley reveals that she is in on the Heist. Because she didn’t know that Ben already knew.

Oh, hey they have others.

So they make it to the Manager’s office and suddenly everyone figures out that Ben isn’t Nick. Just before they are about to kill Ben for not being Nick, Ben tells them about the Pow Wow safe. The Manager opens the Pow Wow safe. . . and pulls the guns out of the safe and starts shooting everybody.

Ben knew it was loaded with guns, that’s why he was able to get the one liner in. Ben gets a few more in as he kills the rest of the red shirt santas, but gets kidnapped again.

Gabriel and Ashley reveal their plan to kill Ben by putting him in the damaged car and shoving it off a cliff. However, during the argument, Ashley reveals that she knows too much about how Nick died. Gabriel is also curious about how she knows how Nick died. So Ashley shoots Gabriel and kills him.

Only to reveal that Nick is ACTUALLY ALIVE!

Last one, I swear.

Nick Reveals that he and Ashley, who is actually Millie(no twist gif), have been planning this for a while and had always intended to leave 5 Santa corpses. So they tie up Ben and put him on the car and set it on fire.

They forgot that Ben was a car thief. And that he had a knife. He hotwires the car and runs over them both, first reversing into Nick, then driving the car into Millie/Ashley before diving out before it goes off the cliff.

So Ben is now alone in a Santa suit with millions of dollars. I don’t know, the scene at the end with Ben Affleck trudging through the snow giving money away, just says Christmas to me. . . You know, after killing off all the other Santas.

Next Time: Speaking of killing off Santas. . .

Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!: Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas

TEMPLARKNIGHT’S FAVORITE HOLIDAY MOVIES

24. Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas

This is low on the list because this is a terrible, terrible movie. Honestly, I have reservations about this even being on the list. However, it is hilarious in how stupid it is at times. Also, the REAL story of Santa Claus is probably the best thing in the film. Again, because it is bats*** insane.

Kirk Cameron spends the movie explaining to his strawman brother in law, how EVERYTHING in Christmas, from the Christmas tree to Christmas presents to even Nutcrackers all celebrate the birth of Jesus.

Because Kirk Cameron is writing both sides of the argument, obviously his argument blows away the counter arguments of his brother in law, which a simple, “Bulls**t” would have countered.

Kirk Cameron glosses over all the arguments of current Christmas traditions borrowing heavily from pagan traditions by saying “God created the universe so who borrowed from who?” He argues that the Christmas tree is actually a stand in for the tree from the Garden of Eden, and that the ornaments are actually us trying to put the fruit back on the tree.

Also the fruit is Jesus.

No.

Seriously.

Adam returned the fruit Eve stole from the tree by his descendent many generations later getting crucified on a tree. All good.

Oh and Nutcrackers are representative of Herod’s Soldiers trying to hunt down and kill Jesus.

Which. . . wait, does that mean that the John Turturro is actually Jesus?

That’s the dance of a man who know’s he’s right.

The biggest just face-palming slap is when Kirk Cameron hand-waves the materialism of Christmas. He states that because this is a holiday centered around God taking a “Material form” that it is okay to celebrate with “Material things.”

Kirk Cameron wisely put that one at the end of his movie. Otherwise there would have been a lot quicker “I’m out.”

Honestly, if you watch nothing else from this movie, watch the gritty realistic retelling of St. Nicholaus. It is AMAZING!

Kirk Cameron tells the origin story of St. Nicholas, the actual Saint. He is decked out in robes and a cane like a damn wizard. Gets summoned by a young woman stating that “he” is in the Tavern.

St. Nicholas goes to the Tavern and finds a guy stating that Jesus was not God. St. Nicholas quotes John 1:1 in a pretty bad ass fashion. Admittedly no Ezekiel 25:17, but twil serve.

Then St. Nicholas lays a biblical smackdown on the non-believer.

Truly an epic scene.

Then St. Nicholas goes back to his home and everyone breaks character. The young woman says “Look who it is! Better? Get that out of your system? Good, we got work to do!” And then St. Nicholas, still in the creepy “I just mercilessly beat a man” voice says, “Come on, Let’s go Bless some kids tonight, we’ve got Gifts to give!”

Holy Christ on a Cracker, dude! You need some cool down time between Beating dudes and “blessing children.” Makes us ask some questions.

After that, Kirk Cameron’s brother in law admits to being a Grinch and then goes back into the party, now seeing all the wonder and symbolism that he didn’t see before. And then the movie decides to pad its run time with a poorly choreographed dance number, then more Kirk Cameron monologue, then a gag reel, then a freestyle rap.

I honestly zoned out for 10 minutes and wondered why the movie was still playing after the credits started.

It’s available on Amazon Prime, check it out. Might want to get drunk, though, and see it with a group. DON’T GO IN ALONE!

Next Time: 5 Santas walk into a Casino. . .

Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!: The Nightmare Before Christmas

TEMPLARKNIGHT’S FAVORITE HOLIDAY MOVIES

25. The Nightmare Before Christmas

This is the greatest indicator that this list is not worst to best. I love this movie, and having to Rank them, this would probably be a lot higher. However, the argument always is whether this is a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie. The best time to watch this is anytime between the two holidays, so Thanksgiving?

I was one of the lucky generations to see this in theaters when it originally came out. My mom is not a fan, so it didn’t get a lot of replay until I was old enough to have a say in the home video purchases.

The music is also a regular mainstay for my holiday playlists. Hell, the soundtrack was so popular, they released cover versions of the whole thing 15 years later with a Marilyn Manson cover of “This is Halloween” that rocks the sheet off your million bug body!

If you haven’t seen this, then hopefully you one day you escape your rock that somehow has internet traffic specifically to this site and check it out. Now on DISNEY+

Next Time: Feeling Disenchanted with Christmas? Well a hero is coming to turn it all around and show us the origin of Santa!

TemplarKnight’s Favorite Holiday Movies HD-Remastered!

Hrmmm. . . . What should I do for December?

Worst Christmas Movies Ever 2? Do I even have enough movies for that? No, not this year.

Use this other idea I had for a month of bad [REDACTED] movies? It isn’t really holiday related. Probably would work better for Halloween.

You know, I haven’t even finished King’s Halloween, The Dark Universe, or ThanksKilling 2, so should I REALLY be starting a big Christmas project? Probably not.

So just nothing?

Oh.

Wait.

I have an idea.

And I totally didn’t spoil it by making it the title of the post everyone clicked on to get here.

TEMPLARKNIGHT’S FAVORITE HOLIDAY MOVIES! HD-REMASTERED!

(How is it HD-Remastered?)

Cause it is on the site now instead of just on facebook. And I’ve slightly edited some of the posts. Maybe.

Gotta pay full theater prices to see that 18 seconds of all new footage- I mean writing.

Yeah, it is just a reference to when game companies re-release a game on a later system as an “HD Remaster.” Cause explaining the joke makes it funnier.

Yes, this is kind of a cop out since most of the work is already done and all I have to do is find the old post and repost, but hey. . . shut up.

When I originally did the list, I didn’t make any particular order to the movies. And that is how it will stay. The movie at the end IS my favorite movie, but the rest are just sort of where I put them when I felt like it. Also these are HOLIDAY movies as opposed to Christmas movies because they aren’t all Christmas oriented.

So without further ado, I give you my favorite Holiday movies.

P.S. I’ve finished watching all the King movies and ThanksKilling 2, I just need to write the reviews. Dark Universe is SUPER back burner at this point.