THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!
Tonight: Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever
Otherwise known as Lampshade: The Movie.
So back in 2014, Lifetime decided to bank on the popularity of Internet Meme “Grumpy Cat.” However they blew all their “knowing what the f*** they’re doing” on hiring Aubrey Plaza. That carries a LOT of the film, but not enough.
The movie opens with Grumpy Cat describing her life in the pet store when a 12 year old in a suit walks in and threatens to shut the pet store down unless the store owner can pay their back rent. The pet store owner says he will turn the cat into a meme and make millions!
Yeah, they rewrite that scene and make it about a dog being worth a million dollars. And he has a buyer, so the store is saved!
Well, that was short, check it out!
Tomorrow: Guess we’ll go with a longer mo- oh, never mind, that was just the set up. Sigh, more movie.
So they introduce the girl of the film, Crystal, who has no friends because the only 3 girls she knows are jerks. So she hangs out at the pet store all day.
Next they introduce the lame security Guard, George. He tries to hit on the mall staff and over inflate his own importance. Like all Security Guards in film. Based on movies, Security Guards are literally the WORST! Except for corrections officers, because according to movies and television, NO ONE is worse than a corrections officer. Corrupt assholes.
Anywho, we then introduce the villains of the film, Zack and Donny. They are musicians who plan to steal the million dollar dog for a tour bus and band equipment.
But before we can get into that, Crystal meets a Mall Santawho is filling in for this mall’s Santa. He gives Crystal a magic coin that he bought online, and she makes a wish. Crystal wishes for a friend. As a result, Crystal can now hear Grumpy Cat talk. Everyone thinks she is crazy, but only enough to look at her funny and not actually commit her.
So Crystal breaks into the pet store after hours to talk privately with Grumpy cat. At the same time, the musicians break into the mall, tie up George the Security Guard, and then break into the Pet Shop. They steal the dog but forget the car keys. Crystal steals their car keys and the chase is on!
Crystal sneaks into the sporting goods store and when the musicians follow, she starts pelting them with paint balls. For cemedic effect, Grumpy Cat has her own paintball gun and is blasting away at them.
One of the musicians grabs a bow and arrow AND. . . promptly shoots himself in the foot. While they are distracted by the arrow, Crystal escapes with the dog and grumpy cat.
Crystal goes to the security booth and unties poor George. Because the robbers disconnected the phone lines and took his cell phone, they are going to walk to the nearest police station to report the crime.
They get right to the door of the mall before George’s cellphone rings, revealing THAT HE IS IN ON THE WHOLE PLOT! Because reasons. He is apparently the devilish mastermind behind the mall robbery and his whole demeanor was a simple ruse.
He ties up Crystal and threatens to put Grumpy cat in the trash compactor if Crystal doesn’t tell him where the car keys are. She gives them up and while the musicians track down the car keys she hid, grumpy cat lets all the pet shop animals out of their cages and they manage to free Crystal and briefly attack George before he escapes with the dog.
Crystal uses George’s dropped phone to call her mother, who in turn calls the police.
Grumpy cat and Crystal chase after George and the musicians but realize they will never catch them in time on foot. So they steal the Camaro that is sitting in the middle of the mall(with apparently a full tank of gas and the keys in the visor) and despite Crystal having never driven before, she drives circles around the musicians car. They eventually line up and play a game of chicken. The musician’s car crashes into a security booth and the Camaro stops just short of hitting the christmas tree, but does launch a fake grumpy cat into the tree.
The villains are arrested, the dog is sold, the store is saved, and Crystal’s mother adopts Grumpy Cat. The end.
Honestly, as a movie, it kind of sucks. But it was absolutely saved in post. If you just had the story itself of a girl and her talking cat thwarting a dog theft, it sucks. However, you have Aubrey Plaza as Grumpy Cat running commentary on the entire movie and it actually is pretty funny. The biggest, stupidest twist in the movie is the security guy being the bad guy. It comes out of nowhere and is just so stupid.
Despite that, I recommend it. It’s a fun little watch, so check it out.
Tomorrow: So, I don’t have any free dog related Christmas movies to segue into. . . how about a bunny?
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