THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: Jingle All the Way 2

So, I’ve never understood the hatred of Jingle All the Way. It made perfect sense to me at the time because this was around the time Power Rangers toys were selling out at an unbelievable rate, and this was also the year Tickle Me Elmo’s were first introduced, which FAMOUSLY were hard to find. So taking it to an absurd degree was fine. I thought it was funny, though I kept thinking that if I was the kid at the end of the movie, I would still want the Turboman doll, REGARDLESS of whether my dad was the real Turboman.

Then again, I was a kid at the time of the first Jingle of the Way. And I can’t get past the nostalgia goggles.

For Jingle All the Way 2, I am a man grown. And I think it’s stupid.

Larry the cable guy, who is also named Larry in the movie, plays a divorced dad whose ex wife just got remarried. His wife definitely traded up to such an insane degree that you wonder why the hell she was slumming with Larry. She marries Vincent, the CEO of a box company. And apparently this is the most famous and most powerful box company in the world! Or at least in this 500 mile area.

He has a mansion, a personal yacht, and on a whim manages to have a ridiculous light display set up around his mansion. However, apparently he is self conscious about his role as Step-Father, so he is hellbent on replacing Larry as the best father.

Larry and Vincent both get into a competition over Noel’s affection(the little girl of the movie). Vincent has his mansion lit up professionally. Larry has a ridiculous light set up made out of old car parts and blows himself up. Vincent uses machines to create fake snow so he and Noel can have a snowball fight. Larry fills up a truck with real snow, but when he opens the truck back up, it is of course water.

Things come to a head when Noel writes a letter to Santa that is poorly written. Larry reads the letter and determines she wants the Harrison Bear, which is a Furby knock off. Vincent sends one of his workers to shadow Larry and determine what he is trying to get.

Vincent then launches Operation “Who’s your daddy?” Which has Vincent’s employee going to insane degrees to prevent Larry from getting a Harrison Bear. He buys out every Harrison Bear for 500 miles. Larry enters mechanical bull-er. . . reindeer contest, and the guy pays off the guy operating the reindeer. Larry dresses up as a homeless guy to steal one from a soup kitchen Santa, and the guy pays a kid to con Larry into giving him the bear.

Eventually Larry figures out what’s going on and Confronts Vincent and they get locked inside the warehouse full of Harrison Bears. While they are having a Harrison Bear Fight, a news reporter and an angry mob track down the guy who was actually buying all the Harrison bears.

The fighting fathers eventually come to terms and use a forklift to escape. After talking to the mother, they find out the guy buckled and blamed Vincent for everything. So they decide to show up with a truckload of Harrison Bears with Vincent dressed as Santa and give them all away for free, “which was the plan all along!”

With the angry mob appeased, everyone celebrates Christmas together and when Noel opens her Harrison Bear, she is doesn’t care about it at all. Apparently they misread the letter due to horrible spacing and it read that she wanted her “Family together as one” instead of “Family to get Herasone.”

Yeah, this movie is stupid, it isn’t really funny, it has no connection to the original movie, save for a toy shortage, and for some reason was made by the WWE, but it has no wrestlers or wrestling in it. Why?!? Stick to wrestling or at least have the decency to have a wrestler in it. Not Larry the freaking cable guy!

Tomorrow: Speaking of sequels no one asked for to movies over a decade old. . . Huh, I guess I need to be more specific this week. It’s Christmas Vacation 2.

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: The Christmas Blessing

THE CHRISTMAS SHOES HAS A SEQUEL?!?

AND IT STARS NEIL PATRICK HARRIS?!?

So this takes place several years after the 15 year time skip from the Christmas Shoes. The young boy whose mother was taken to teach Rob Lowe a lesson has now become Neil Patrick Harris playing a doctor on tv. He loses a kid on the operating table and throws a tantrum and decides he doesn’t want to be a Doctor anymore!

So he goes home to visit his dad who seems to be only a few years older than himself. He decides to help out at his dad’s auto shop and at the local school to keep himself busy. While at the auto shop, he meets a woman, Meghan, who pretends to only speak spanish to con Neil into doing all the auto work for free.

It turns out Meghan was just practicing her spanish for a cultural appreciation class at school. Where she incorrectly tells the children that Cinco de Mayo is Mexican Independence Day and that it is the most popular Holiday in Mexico. It is neither of those things. Read a book movie! (Based on the Novel by Donna VanLiere) A BOOK THAT WILL ACTUALLY TEACH YOU SOMETHING!

Anywho, we also meet the kid from Two and a Half Men playing Charlie. His dad uses him as free labor to help him hanging up lights and raking lawns. His father also apparently doesn’t want to tell him his mother died years ago after leaving them. So he makes up stories about how she was a dancer and is currently on broadway. To further his proof, he shows Charlie a pair of shoes that “were his mother’s” which he actually pulled out of a donation bin earlier in the movie.

This are the “Christmas Shoes” from the last movie. Neil’s father donated them because he was tired of them dredging up memories he wants to put behind him.

So Meghan goes for a run after school and mildly sprains her ankle. Neil checks it and tells her to ice it and keep it elevated. She is impressed by his extremely basic knowledge how to handle a sprain and he says he learned it in a first aid class. So they start dating and Neil pretends not to play a doctor on television.

This comes to a head when Charlie suddenly collapses while playing basketball. They rush him to the hospital where Neil works and one of Neil’s coworkers outs him as a Doctor.

HOW DARE YOU! You NEVER out someone’s actual profession! Meghan walks out on him.

Charlie apparently has a heart condition and he’s ineligible for a transplant.

And then everyone just goes back to what they are doing. Charlie goes back to helping his dad with work, completely forgetting he was just HOSPITALIZED. Neil and Meghan have a brief argument about him not telling her he was a doctor, but they get over it and start dating again. And Neil’s father and Charlie’s father drink at the bar. Neil’s father reveals he is selling his home and his auto shop. Charlie’s father reveals he is lying to his son.

Then at a christmas dance, Meghan passes out while dancing with Neil.

I’m calling it, Neil’s character is the grim freakin reaper! He killed his mother, he’s killing his girlfriend, he’s killing Charlie, and come to think of it, Rob Lowe’s mother was just fine in the last movie until his character came and visited her briefly.

So it turns out Meghan has hepatitis and needs a new liver. Neil storms out of the hospital and runs into Rob Lowe. Despite Rob Lowe never freaking aging, Neil doesn’t recognize him. They talk briefly before Neil goes home to throw a tantrum at his dad’s house. Even plucking up the for sale sign and throwing it on the ground, in the most overdramatic fashion possible.

Well done, Neil. Best actor in the business.

Meghan looks like she might die until Charlie decides to die first. Neil gives him the same “God’s not taking you, he’s receiving you” speech his mother gave him. Charlie gives Neil the Christmas Shoes to give to Meghan. Along with his liver. Charlie’s father finally lets Charlie know his mother is dead. Charlie’s father then leaves his son to die while he “goes to work.”

Meghan lives, Neil and Rob have flashbacks to the last movie, and then everyone meets up at a Blake Shelton concert for charity. The end.

Yeah, this movie is dumb. I hoped Neil would save it, but there was just too much Hallmark nonsense for him to work past. And his Barney style tantrums don’t work when you are trying to take it seriously.

AND YES, THERE IS A THIRD ONE. NO I’M NOT REVIEWING IT.(until I realize I don’t have enough movies)

Tomorrow: So you can’t get Arnold Schwarzenegger to come back for the sequel, who do you get? The Rock? Kevin Sorbo? . . .Larry the Cable guy?

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: Santa Who?

So what happens when Santa forgets he is Santa? Leslie Nielsen as Santa Claus, that’s what.

So the story begins with a young boy writing a letter to Santa telling him he’s the greatest and that all he wants is to spend christmas with a family. This would be fine, except they have the most bored monotone child reading this letter out loud. A lady who works at the orphanage comes to tell the boy that his father will not be coming and is just going to leave him at the orphanage. She then offers to deliver his letter to Santa.

And she immediately chucks his letter into the fire. It is later explained that she is dutch and that they believe in placing letters to Santa in the fire to get them to him. But of course she NEVER explains that to the boy.

Cut to years later and that boy grows up to be a fluff reporter named Peter. Peter seems like a nice guy, but apparently he’s an asshole according to everyone that knows him. He keeps trying to interview people on the street about Christmas but apparently everyone is in a bad movie. I MEAN MOOD! Oh god, typo, I mean they are in a bad mood.

(Totally happened actually, I was typing, got distracted and when I came back to it, I realized I typed bad movie. Which is hilarious. Just me? Moving on then.)

Peter complains to his boss, saying he should do a story on the Christmas suicide rates or something equally cheery, but his boss ends up having Peter be an undercover Santa. See how the world treats a Mall Santa. Which apparently it has one child demand a list of barbie toys and accessories while another child physically abuses and assaults him. The real mall Santa tries to help him up , but ends up busting through the fake railing and getting horribly injured by the fall and a christmas tree.

Peter is then forced to be the Mall Santa for the day. Which wasn’t the plan? Anywho. Peter then goes over to his girlfriend’s house. His girlfriend’s son, Zack, doesn’t like Peter. Peter sits down to watch a cartoon with Zack and when Peter starts to mention he watched the same show as a kid, Zack immediately says, “Is this going to be another story about you AGAIN?!?”

Seriously, what is the deal? In The Christmas Shoes, Rob Lowe’s character acted short with people so even though he didn’t actively do anything mean or unkind, he still came off like an asshole. Peter acts like a nice guy and tries to do the right thing, but everyone verbally tells him he is an asshole. Show, don’t tell.

We then cut to the North Pole where Santa Claus is having a midlife crisis. He is thinking of retiring because he doesn’t feel like kids care anymore. His head elf Max convinces to go for a short sleigh ride to clear his head. So Santa gets in his sleigh and goes for a ride. Somewhere above The city where Peter lives, Santa hits a patch of bad weather and falls out of his sleigh while all the reindeer go in all sorts of directions.

Santa falls all the way from above the clouds and hits the front of Peter’s parked car as Peter is talking on the phone. Instead of destroying the car and being a splatter on the ground, Santa merely bounces off the hood and loses consciousness. Peter takes Santa upstairs to his girlfriend’s apartment tries to revive him. Zack immediately says Peter hit Santa with his car, and Peter apparently forgets that the car was parked when Santa fell ONTO the car.

Santa wakes up and has amnesia, thus the point of the film. Zack for some reason believes he is the real Santa. I mean, he has no basis for this thinking, but he sticks to his guns. Peter and his girlfriend both decide to profit from this man’s suffering. His girlfriend decides to use him to replace the injured Mall Santa at her mall. He doesn’t get hired until after a second mall Santa gets injured by more defective railing. Peter then does an fluff piece on this amnesiac Santa, hoping to get him home by Christmas.

I’m guessing Daddy Warbucks decided to offer a reward for finding his family because apparently a swarm of people come forward as his family.

While all this is going on, the elves are panicking about Santa not having returned. So they fly into the US undercover to try and find Santa. At customs they boobytrapped their bags with exploding snakes, rattling teeth, and who knows what else so that TSA just give up and send them through. Noteworthy that this is in 2000 where you frustrate the TSA instead of them Frustrating you.

So Zack becomes more and more convinced that this is the REAL Santa despite having NO evidence to back this up. Seriously, if Santa knew things about people he shouldn’t or demonstrated some magical abilities, then yes, I would understand his fanaticism with the idea, but that never happens. He just is shown to be good with kids. That’s literally it.

Santa’s elves apparently search everywhere for Santa with no luck until one of them thinks to look at a TV showing Peter’s report about Santa.

Apparently a couple thinks that Santa looks a lot like their missing Grandpa Nick, whose life story backs up a lot of what Santa said under hypnosis. So the couple picks up Santa, and Santa believes he must be Grandpa Nick. Santa gives away his costume to one of the Bellringers outside the mall. The Bellringer finds a stash of letters inside his coat, one of which is the letter Peter saw burned as a child.

This convinces Peter that he is Santa. Peter calls Santa and convinces him that he is Santa. After relaying this, Peter gets kidnapped by Santa’s elves. They then proceed to bind and torture him with toys. Because? Seriously?!? What has Peter done to deserve ANY of this hate?!?

Everyone goes through more wacky hijinks and child endangerment to recover the sleigh, the reindeer, and Santa’s suit. Then Peter finally decides to commit to his girlfriend and Zack decides Peter isn’t an asshole after all. Santa finally gets around to his deliveries and occasionally has to apologize for running late. The end.

This is such a stupid movie. In The Santa Clause, there was very good reasoning for the kid in the movie to believe his dad was Santa. But there is no reason for this kid to believe. The only justification is that he is right. If he was wrong, then he would have died in the sleigh crash at the end.

Tomorrow: So, since we are starting the second week of this thing, I figured now would be a good time to showcase some horrible sequels. Speaking of Rob Lowe. . .

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: Santa with Muscles

Hulk Hogan plays Santa Claus. Need I say more? Good. Short review. Have a good night!

. . . Can’t say I didn’t try.

So yeah we open with a child writing to Santa about an evil billionaire attempting a nefarious scheme. Couple that with a font choice that is on par with The Dungeonmaster or Dark Dungeons, the sudden title drop of a delightfully cheerful “Santa With Muscles” is kind of a left turn.

We then cut to Hulk Hogan in army fatigues sneaking onto a mansion. He knocks out one of the garderners, and before he can walk off with a gold chest of . . . something a chef shows up and attacks him. Hulk Hogan then fights off the chef, two more gardeners, a chauffeur, and a butler. They finally surround him and says “time,” revealing that this is just a regular training exercise with his house staff.

Yep, Hulk Hogan is a rich fitness guru who apparently gets bored and decides to regularly beat up his house staff and occasionally go on paintball shooting rampages. It’s on one of these paintballing adventures that Hulk Hogan gets chased by the local sheriff’s department. He escapes into a Mall and changes into a Santa costume to make his getaway. One thing leads to another and Hulk falls down a garbage chute and gets knocked unconscious.

We briefly cut to the villains of this movie. We meet Dr. Frost who is the lead evil guy of this movie who is also a billionaire. He has a very unique hierarchy of his henchmen. His organization is full of Evil Scientists. And I don’t mean like mad scientists, I mean scientists who just happen to be evil. We Have Dr. Blight, who is an evil Doctor of Medicine. The three major Henchmen are Mr. Bile, an evil Chemist who specializes in gases, such as methane, Ms. Watt, who specializes in electricity, and Mr. Flint, who is an evil Geologist. How the hell can you be an evil geologist?!? Even his regular walking the grounds henchmen all carry measuring tools and calculators while patrolling the mansion.

We cut back to the mall where we meet Frank, a mall elf who somehow has ties to Dr. frost that never really get explained and never really go anywhere. Frank and the other elves were offerred $50 if they could get a Santa. That’s when Frank comes across the unconscious Hulk Hogan in santa gear. Frank steals Hulk’s wallet and wakes him up. Hulk apparently has amnesia from his fall and Frank convinces him that Hulk is Santa. Frank takes SantaHulk to the Santa display and collects his $50. While HulkSanta is doing a great job being a Mall Santa, a couple of fiends decide to try and steal the donation jar for the local orphanage and after a little girl cries for Santa to help, SantaHulk answers the call.

YES! THIS IS WHAT I WANTED YESTERDAY! SantaHulk beats the crap out of the two guys and the mall celebrates him as a hero!

That’s not fair, when I beat up guys while dressed as Santa, I get called a drunken disgrace.

Frank decides to take SantaHulk. . . somewhere, but on the way, they come across Dr. blight and his evil scientists harassing the local orphanage. They use their. . . Ice Cream truck(?) to yank down the statue outside and are about to hit one orphanage volunteers when SantaHulk grabs the chain and stops the Ice Cream Truck. . .sigh. . .cold.

They drive off and the orphanage welcomes SantaHulk as a hero. We then have a half hour or so of SantaHulk bonding with the children and one of the children played by HOLY SHIT THAT’S MILA KUNIS makes him a super hero-esque Santa costume. SantaHulk has a couple more run ins with the Evil Scientists of Evil before battling Dr. Blight at the top of a belltower. SantaHulk defeats Dr Blight but a robo santa somehow throws SantaHulk from the top of the belltower into a Garbage truck. As a result, SantaHulk regains his memory.

With their protector gone, Dr. Frost moves on the orphanage and starts trying to break into the cavern. Hulk tries to revert back to his old lifestyle, but finds no joy in it anymore. Frank calls Hulk and says that the orphanage is under attack and Hulk gets his house staff and decide to come to the rescue.

Hulk again runs afoul of the local sheriff’s office, and uses his healthy food alternatives to try and thwart the chase. But the sheriff’s office is ready for him this time. Or so they think. They bring a Rocket Launcher out and fire it at Hulks Humvee. They miss and blow of the sheriff’s car and Hulk just plows through the barricade.

Hulk arrives at the orphanage and begins to save the day. While there, the Orphanage volunteer he saved earlier reveals Hulk and Dr. Frost were both orphans at this orphanage and were best friends.

Hulk then goes and beats up All the evil scientists on the way to the underground cavern. He is a one man wrecking crew! He finally gets to Dr. Frost and they battle it out in the exploding crystal caverns! Once Hulk defeats Dr. Frost, it is revealed the cavern is about to explode. Everyone escapes to the convenient blast radius of the orphanage parking lot and the orphanage implodes. Pretty good effects really for a movie with this low of budget.

The sheriff’s office arrives and arrests Dr. Frost and his henchmen, while ignoring ALL of Hulk Hogan’s crimes. The orphans seemingly have no idea where to go until Hulk says he has an idea.

His mansion? Nope, Dr. Frost’s mansion. For you see, when two billionaires do battle, the one who wins gets all the others possessions! Like in The Highlander! The end.

So this movie is just cartoonishly bad but fun. It has ridiculous villains, a stupid plot, and is really just an excuse to put Hulk Hogan in a movie. I recommend checking it out on Youtube.

Tomorrow: So we’ve seen an Amnesiac convinced that he is Santa. How about when Santa becomes an Amnesiac?

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

So with a title like this, I was expecting Santa goes to Mars and brings the Martians under his heel and uses them as his new toymakers to keep up with population and technology demands.

That and S.P.E.W.’s efforts in the North Pole gained serious ground.

Sadly despite some lines that seem like Santa building up to giving an asswhooping, Santa simply causes his infectious good cheer to turn the Martians into a joyous society.

The movie starts with Martian children watching a TV broadcast of Santa being interviewed by a reporter. The Martian children wonder what things like “dolls” or “affection” are, before their father, the Martian Leader, walks in and uses sleep spray to knock them out.

I want sleep spray. I would use that SO MUCH.

So the Martian leader calls a meeting of leaders to discuss why martian children are so sad. They summon the ancient one who reveals that they are sad because they are not allowed to play and have joy because they are hooked up to education boxes from birth. Yeah, if I was only allowed to play educational games throughout my life, I would be depressed too.

So the wise man says Mars needs a Santa Claus, and then vanishes. So the martians decide to kidnap the santa claus. Sadly without a song about the various methods they will do it. (Cut to a video of the Martians flying to earth with “Kidnap the Sandy Claws” playing as the audio).

So they make it to Earth and immediately plan to take one of the Salvation Army Santas before finding out they are fakes. So they kidnap two children who tell them Santa is in the North Pole. They head to the north pole and the children escape into the frozen tundra. They somehow survive the -91 degree temperatures, a Polar bear(just a guy in a suit), and are finally captured by the martian’s giant robot.

The martian leader then has the Robot break into the Toy Factory, and starts flipping tables and elves. Santa walks up to the Robot and calls him a giant toy. The Robot immediately has an identity crisis and decides he is now a toy.

The martians then have to go in and use freeze rays on the elves and Mrs. Claus and Santa just goes along with the Martians because he thinks it will be neat.

While on board the Martian ship, Santa Claus starts spreading good cheer to the crew. One Martian, Voldar, believes this whole Santa plan will weaken Mars and tries to throw Santa and the children out the Airlock. However Santa uses his Chimney powers to squeeze through a connected air vent and reveal Voldar’s treachery. Also using this time to drop a badass, “I’m Santa Claus, son!”

Back on Earth, the entire world is panicking over Santa being kidnapped by Martians. Scientists put together a shuttle launch to Mars and decide to skip all the safety checks because they HAVE to rescue Santa, Damnit! Apparently they haven’t seen The Martian. So they launch the rocket to Mars for the DARING RESCUE!

Santa gets to Mars and cheers up the martian children by. . . laughing near them? He works with the Martians and develops a toy factory that is almost fully automated. Santa just has to press a button. With the Toy Factory complete, Santa tells the Martian leader it is time for him to go home. The Martian Leader informs him that Santa Claus belongs to Mars now! Santa then gives a deep and threatening Ho Ho Ho while looking towards the camera.

OH SNAP! You just crossed the WRONG SANTA! He is going to deliver an entire sleighful of whoop ass on Mars NOW!

Or. . . Not? He just resigns himself to pressing buttons, and the Martian leader’s wife makes him a new suit. The comic relief Martian steals the suit and starts making more toys while Santa sleeps. While making toys, Voldar and a couple of his hench martians kidnap the fake santa thinking he is real.

Voldar then threatens to destroy Santa if the Martian leader doesn’t abandon his plans. The Martian leader reveals Voldar does not have Santa and Voldar escapes.

Santa lays a trap for Voldar using the children. Voldar comes to the Toy Factory to kill Santa and then the children bombard Voldar with toy arrows, squirt guns, tanks, offensive little native american dolls, tennis rackets and baseball bats.

After Voldar is defeated, the fake santa managed to escape all his own and apparently is good humored enough to be the Martian Santa Claus. So the Martians send Santa back to Earth with the two children, and credits roll.

So. . . I guess that rescue mission died then? We never get any word on that.

So booo! Santa conquers the Martians with love? Lame. I want Warlord Santa! I want Santa to kick ass and take names!

Tomorrow: Hulk Hogan played Santa?!?

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t

Spoiler, as the title implies, Christmas still manages to happen. So the Giant from the Magic Christmas tree is denied his sex slave once again.

So this movie is a musical about Santa getting a Lawyer to help settle an issue with his landlord about a years worth of back-rent. You know, like the musical Rent.

So Santa gets help from the only Lawyer who still believes in Santa Claus because Phineas T Prune purchased the North Pole demands backrent or he will take all the toys. Prune knows Santa can’t pay and wants to ruin Christmas for all the children.

Yes he specifically hates children because no one considers him special. I’d also like to point out that Prune is rich. He is special. He has enough money to buy whatever he wants just to have leverage over people. Yet he hates children because no one ever called him special.

So Santa’s Lawyer convinces Santa to get a job as a department store Santa. Wait. Are we in Miracle on 34th street? With Santa and Lawyers and Department stores? Of course Santa alone won’t make enough to pay the rent, so the Lawyer decides to help out . . . as a Janitor. Putting that Law Degree to WORK!

This causes Prune to flip out and he decides to blow Santa up, but a kid notices him planting the bomb and wags his finger at Prune. Prune decides to back out of that plan and decides to just buy the department store and fire Santa and the Lawyer. He pays Santa and the Lawyer enough for the backrent, but he knocks over a bunch of toys and takes the cost of replacement out of their paychecks.

Santa is now sitting out in the cold feeling hopeless when, my god, could it be? Yes, a child with The Magic Christmas Tree slung over his shoulder sees Santa feeling sad and calls out to all the children everywhere to come and contribute to Santa Claus’ GoFundMe page!

Santa rushes back to the North Pole where Prune is waiting. I have no idea how Prune gets back and forth from whatever town he lives to the North Pole every night. Santa dumps two bags of coins in front of Prune and Prune leaves in defeat.

Santa then goes and delivers all the presents in an odd still picture slide show, because I guess they didn’t have the budget or the running time to show him actually entering chimneys. In the end there is only one present left. For Prune.

Apparently Santa’s head elf misplaced Prune’s postcard when he was five and he never got his toy sailboat. This caused him to think he wasn’t a child and brought forth a desire to destroy Christmas and Santa Claus! And people think Broly have a lame backstory.

The simple sailboat makes Prune pull the Scrooge 180 and he runs out into the street accosting people on the street in his nightgown. Seriously, people go running from him. He finally sees a little boy and chases him down! Ultimately he just gives the boy his sailboat and goes home. Then the ending theme plays.

This is a semi enjoyable bad movie. It has some catchy songs and a few eccentric characters, mainly Russell(Prune’s butler) and Jonathon(Santa’s head elf. One drawback is that this movie was made in Italian and dubbed in english, which always leads to fun in syncing up.

Give it a look on Amazon Prime.

Tomorrow: We are done with Santa having to fight against greedy millionaire’s and children. Tomorrow, SANTA GOES ON THE OFFENSIVE!

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: The Magic Christmas Tree

So long before The Nightmare before Christmas blurred the lines between Halloween and Christmas, we have The Magic Christmas Tree. A Christmas movie that takes place entirely during Halloween.

It will make sense later. Because it’s stupid.

So in the quaint greyscale town of. . . somewhere you still have to mow the lawn the day after Thanksgiving, we see Mark and his two friends eating lunch at school on Halloween. They are talking about their Halloween plans when Mark says they should go by the local crazy woman’s house because the children think she is a witch.

We cut to the old lady who is trying to convince her cat, Lucifer, to get out of the tree. And just before she is about to cast a magic spell to get the cat down when Mark shows up. The old lady grabs Mark and asks him to climb the tree and get the cat down.

Mark falls out of the tree, knocking himself unconscious, and the cat jumps out. We then do the wiggly transition from Wayne’s World and BAM, the world is in color! Oh and we changed locations and costumes.

The old lady is now dressed as a proper witch and to thank Mark for rescuing Lucifer, she gives him a magic ring, which contains a magic seed, and she teaches him the magic words. Apparently he needs to plant the seed under a Thanksgiving Turkey Wishbone and say obscure magic words while turning the ring three times. And he remembers this for almost a month.

We briefly observe Thanksgiving and meet Mark’s family. Mark demands the wishbone and his father says he’ll get what he gets. Because clearly that is the choice part of the bird. His wife convinces him to give mark the wishbone and Mark goes outside to plant the seed.

And we watch him plant the seed for 5 minutes. We see him dig up the dirt, place the seed and the wishbone, replace the dirt, say the magic words and then get scared and run away when a lightning bolt strikes. All as one continuous shot. Then we get a jumpcut of a full grown tree appearing. Mark goes back to his room and talks to his turtle, which he keeps in his bottom nightstand drawer.

Where the hell is PETA?

So the next morning, Mark’s father decides to mow the lawn. He takes the turtle out with him. We get a nice drawn out shot of Mark’s father trying to get the lawn mower started. After 4 unsuccessful attempts, it finally starts. Unfortunately they didn’t have a sound effect for “running lawn mower” so they went with “one man band rolling down a cliff.” Mark’s father is apparently barely able to control the lawnmower as it is dragging him all over the yard.

We keep going back and forth between Mark’s father mowing and the turtle eating some plants. It becomes unnerving when we cut from the turtle, to a head on shot of the mower coming at the camera and then cut to the wife hearing a crash.

OH GOD HE KILLED THE TURTLE WITH A LAWNMOWER!

Nope, he crashed into the magic tree which destroys his lawnmower. I guess this is the same tree from the night before, even though the yard we were watching for 5 minutes earlier is the not the same yard where the tree is now.

Mark’s father is shocked that there is a tree and blames the fact he didn’t know it was there for the crash. Because he apparently doesn’t look in front of him as he mows. Or notices when a tree magically appears in his lawn over night. He tries to chop the tree down, but it is apparently made of steel.

We then cut to Christmas Eve and Mark’s father decides to finally buy a Christmas tree. His wife is surprised he hasn’t bought a Christmas tree already. I think the first clue would have been that there wasn’t one in the house already. Mark’s family all leave to go Christmas shopping, and Mark finally decides to investigate the Tree he apparently ignored for almost a month.

Oh, and the tree talks. It has Mark say the magic words and teleports inside. Then he has Mark say the magic words again and BOOM, the Tree is decorated. The Tree tells Mark he has three wishes. Which he just wasted the first two on getting inside the house and decorated.

Or I guess those don’t count. So Mark is so impressed with the Tree’s power, he asks to have the Tree’s power for an hour. Mark uses his power to turn night into day, make a whole bunch of cars start running away from their owners, make a waitress hit her boss in the face with a pie, and cause general mayhem downtown. Everyone involved likely lost their jobs. You’re a dick, Mark.

For Mark’s second wish, he demands Santa Claus all to himself that Christmas. So no other children get presents.

I think Mark grew up to become Slick from the Elf Who Didn’t Believe. The Tree grants the wish and Santa becomes Mark’s slave. Santa can’t leave the living room and Santa gives Mark whatever he wants. As we do a crossfade from Mark giving his list of demands to Santa to Santa sitting alone with the tree, Santa wonders where Mark has gone off to.

We then cut to Mark walking around in the woods carrying around a Red Ryder BB gun apparently looking for something. At this point, I can only assume Mark had Santa set a few elves loose for Mark to hunt down like dogs!

Mark stops to drink from a small creek and then a giant man wearing a fur tunic grabs Mark!

OH GOD! YOU RUIN CHRISTMAS AND YOU BECOME A GIANT’S SEX SLAVE! The Grinch better be damn lucky he changed his mind at the last minute!

Mark, of course, repents after the Giant reveals how sad everyone is and Mark uses his third wish to undo his 2nd wish. The Giant then gives a warning to the viewer that they may become his slave if they become too Greedy.

So with everything restored the Magic Tree disappears and Mark cries himself to sleep. Before then waking up back in the world of black and white with the old lady back on Halloween. See, told ya it made sense! She thanks him for rescuing Lucifer with Milk and Cookies. Clearly he is not worthy of the magic seed ring just for falling out of a tree!

Then a different tree in a different voice tells him there is magic in every Christmas tree. Mark. . . I think you might have a concussion.

So yeah, this is a crappy stretched out nonsense tale. It falls just short of an hour and is mostly just long scenes stretched out to try and make it an hour. This could be heavily edited to a half hour or so. With commercials. Also the entire movie was redubbed, so most of the dialogue doesn’t quite sync up. Which results in some MAJOR overacting.

If you can get through the cheap 1960’s dialogue and story, it’s fun to riff, but kind of boring otherwise.

Tomorrow: While we are Stuck in the 1960’s lets continue with the theme of Christmas being almost ruined. Hope somebody warns the villains about the Sex Giants!

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: The Elf Who Didn’t Believe

So, the only things I knew about this film was a couple of different posters. One that looks like a Horror film, and then a cheap one that looks like it was done in MS paint.

While waiting to start the film, I noticed that the director has made three films. His first film was Fallout, a scifi action thriller in space which is PG-13, and his last film was Night Eyes: Fatal Passion, which is an R rated film about a Psychiatrist being stalked by an ex patient. Between these two films he made a G-rated film about an elf that wants to be a real boy. . . AND IS WILLING TO KILL! Nope, none of that, just has to do a good deed and make a wish. Yeah. Don’t know what happened here.

So yeah, we wait several minutes reading the actors names being shown over the poorest snow graphic they could find, before switching to a model and a different crappy quality of fake snow. We meet Elmer who is an Elf that hates snow and really wants to vacation in the tropics instead of making toys 365 days a year. He keeps messing up around the toy factory and is forced to clean up after the reindeer.

Or, sweep hay around in a stable while someone shakes some antlers around occasionally. Obviously can’t afford animals.

He finds the standard issue elf manual which includes a page on how to become a real boy. Elmer longs to be a human so he can get presents and watch tv all year round and not have to work. So of course he steals the sleigh, travels to a random town, and meets a child who will teach him that it’s tough being a kid with schools and chores and stuff.

Or SHE IS APPARENTLY VERY SICK AND NEEDS A SPECIAL DOCTOR OR SHE WILL DIE!

GOD DAMNIT GOD! WHY DO YOU NEED TO KILL PEOPLE TO TEACH LESSONS!

Anywho, apparently several people saw Elmer crash land the sleigh. One is a reporter who tells everyone it is a festive UFO.

The other is Slick, the villainous overactor who instantly knows it is an elf and Santa’s sleigh. For some reason he doesn’t approach the sleigh and just leaves. So does the reporter. Elmer just is asleep in the sleigh until morning where it chases him around and he traps it in the barn.

Slick uses the mayor to have the Sheriff go out and collect the sleigh everyone thinks is a UFO. The sheriff and his deputy find the sleigh in the barn and freak out. Because they saw a sleigh in a barn and think it is a UFO and are shocked that the UFO LOOKS LIKE A SLEIGH IN A BARN! THIS IS SOME ZEBRA HOOFBEATS CRAP GOING ON HERE!

Elmer makes a break for it by sprinkling magic dust on a bike to make it. . .sparkle as he peddles away at normal speed? The Sheriff sees this and assumes the child wearing green and riding a sparkly bike is an alien.

Again, hoofbeats=zebra.

So they spend an hour with the sheriff trying to track down the elf, while thinking he’s an alien. The reporter also spends an hour tracking down the elf, thinking he’s an alien.

While this is all going on, Santa discovers the Sleigh is gone and the head Elf wants to send in Elf Team 6 from The Santa Clause, but Santa decides he is going to handle this personally. Santa is apparently running the Batman Gambit throughout the movie and is pulling strings behind the scenes. He apparently also steals a car and is tailing the sheriff at several points.

The Sheriff finally catches Elmer and the sleigh and delivers them both to Slick. Slick is in the sleigh laughing maniacally about taking over Christmas AND HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO RECOGNIZES A SLEIGH AS A SLEIGH AND NOT A UFO! THE CRAZY BASTARD WANTING TO STEAL ALL THE TOYS AND RANSOM CHRISTMAS IS THE MOST SANE AND LOGICAL PERSON IN THIS MOVIE!

Santa apparently gets pissed since the Sheriff kidnapped his elf and decides to take matters into his OWN HANDS! By dropping off a dying girl and later her dad and the reporter at the closed down plastic factory where Elmer is being held, continuing not to directly act himself. Oh and I’m pretty sure he stole a laundry truck.

Elmer and everyone escape with the sleigh and everyone realizes he is an elf. Cause DUH! He then gives out presents to cancer children and learns it is better to give than to get. But Slick shows up demanding his sleigh and his elf! Then Santa shows up and puts Slick in his damn place saying that is HIS SLEIGH and Elmer is HIS ELF! It is honestly one of the best scenes in the film.

Elmer decides to stay an elf, because Elves can’t get cancer, and he uses his fame as an elf to get a special doctor in florida to treat his dying friend. Then everyone goes on a nice tropical vacation. The end.

Honestly, if you take the elf, the sheriff, and the reporter out, you have a fantastic cast of side characters. Not that they are good, but they are damn entertaining! Santa is great as a puppet master who nudges things here and there to make sure Elmer and Slick learn their lessons.

Tomorrow: So we go from one movie about wish fulfillment to another. Hopefully no one needs to die to teach people lessons.

THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!

Tonight: The Christmas Shoes

So for all of you rock people who came out into the world recently and somehow friended me on facebook, The Christmas Shoes is a song by New Song that is played every where every year at christmas time. It tells the story of God killing a young boy’s mother in order to teach a cranky guy who is stuck in line during the busiest shopping time of year the true meaning of Christmas. It’s a line in the song.

This song inspired a book. Which in turn inspired a Hallmark movie. God help us, every one.

Rob Lowe plays himself as he is an immortal without the ability to age as he visits a cemetery before reminiscing to 15 years in the past where he looks exactly the same. He is a lawyer who works too much and spends very little time with his family. Everyone who doesn’t have a job chastises him for being too busy at work. Maybe if his wife used her business degree and got a job, maybe he could work a little less. Yes he has the typical Hallmark Family problems of being focused on work instead of family. The most villainous thing you can do on the Hallmark channel is be dedicated to your job and have ambition. Oh and while the movie is painting him as such an asshole, it turns out the reason he is working so hard is because he is trying to save the farmland of dozens of farmers. That’s right, he is putting in all this time at work making sure that farmers are able to continue feeding their families.

What an ASSHOLE!

So on the other part of the song, we have the little boy and his mother who want a puppy, but the working class father says no, because the boy wasn’t responsible enough to keep a goldfish alive. To which he brings out the fish’s floating corpse to prove his point. What is with all these parents demanding the child take care of the dog? My parents had several pets and although we had to help out with feeding and helping out, we were never solely responsible for every aspect of the animal’s existence. Anywho, we find out the mother has a heart condition and might die.

Don’t want to spoil anything for you. . . But she dies. OH MY GOD WHAT A SHOCK!

Anywho, she tries to get a replacement heart but the only donor available apparently had hepatitis B. So now she is going to die. Spoiler shock etc.

So the little boy starts collecting cans to buy his mother some shoes that I guess maybe look like shoes in a book that his mother liked? He is encouraged by his teacher, who would rather he catch tetanus rather than loan him the $20 bucks for the shoes.

Then Rob Lowe’s mother dies. So yeah, not one, but two mothers had to die for Rob Lowe to learn the meaning of Christmas. I guess God got tired of sending ghosts and giving small children sicknesses which are cured by money.

So on Christmas Eve, the boy somehow turns in all the cans for cash at the only dump open on Christmas Eve, and goes out to buy the shoes as his mother is breathing her last breaths.

Rob Lowe decides to stop working to save farmers for five minutes to go Christmas shopping. The two characters in the song finally get together and reenact the scene from the song. And the movie realizes that the line, “I want her to look beautiful if mama sees Jesus tonight,” was so stupid that they alter it to “looking beautiful in heaven,” and has the decency to have him mumble it.

The boy then runs home and gives his dying mother the shoes, as a carolers are outside his home SINGING THE CHRISTMAS SHOES! What the F***?!? They are singing a song about a dying mother getting christmas shoes OUTSIDE OF THE HOME OF A DYING MOTHER WHO IS ABOUT TO GET CHRISTMAS SHOES!

Also Rob Lowe starts to leave work at a decent hour and show up to his daughters events. Oh and when he goes back to 15 years in the future, he realizes the guy at the cemetery is the boy he bought the shoes for. The boy is apparently going to Medical school.

The End.

I hate Hallmark Christmas movies. They are boring and stupid. I don’t recommend this movie, it is not worth sitting through the stupidity. If you want to ignore me, it’s on Youtube.

Tomorrow: Well, we’ve seen what happens when adults don’t believe in the spirit of Christmas, what happens when an elf doesn’t believe?

So as November comes to a close, we try and focus on the upcoming holiday with cheer in our hearts and joy in our souls.

But not for me. I have apparently been a very naughty boy who needs to be punished. And because our local dominatrix refuses to dress like Mrs. Claus because she is unwilling be associated with a lie used to force morality on children, I’m stuck with watching crappy holiday movies in. . .

THE WORST CHRISTMAS (movies) EVER!

Fortunately I had a little more planning for this one instead of coming up with the idea the day of. Doesn’t mean I have a full list and I don’t even have access to all the videos at this point and just hope I can find them all.

Same rules as the Halloween list go. These are all movies that I have not seen before. Or else Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas would be ALL OVER THIS LIST! Which would be ironic considering it’s also on my Favorite Christmas movie list from last year. Also these are also not simply poorly reviewed movies, cause damn, I could just randomly turn on the Hallmark channel once a day and have my list. Also every list I’ve seen includes Jingle All the Way, which I’ve determined is the Jason X of Holiday movies. Yeah it’s not a GREAT movie but I don’t think it deserves the hate.

So tomorrow night join me as I endure a gauntlet of Horrible Holiday movies that make me wish for that stake of Holly through my heart that Mr. Scrooge was offering.

Picture Credit: worst.christmas.ever. Which sadly will not be on this list due to apparently coming in 2019. And the trailer actually looks not bad. Oh well.

https://www.facebook.com/worstchristmasever/