THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made (ABRIDGED)

So yeah, the review I posted yesterday might have been a little too long. After posting it, I looked it over and that is a LOT scrolling. It was less like a review and more like live tweeting the whole thing(which is something I considered, but I don’t use my twitter).

So here is the ABRIDGED review of The Worst Horror movie ever made.

A couple hosts a card game, and within 5 minutes, everyone else is dead, with only one of them a direct result of the couple. 3 of them are killed by an axe murderer who uses painful axe puns, and one is killed in a freak 52 card pickup accident.

The couple flees their home and encounter poop monsters, werewolves, ghosts, terrorists, Zombie-Jesus, Zom-BEES, lesbian vampires, lesbians, rednecks, evil laurel and hardy ventriloquist dummies, a psychotic doctor, a house full of dead baby jokes, abusive soldiers, crazy people, giant spiders, bats, a mummy, and a detective who has been anally raped by almost everyone he encounters.

While the boyfriend manages to stay almost completely clothed the entire movie, the girlfriend seems to get naked for almost any reason, from getting strip searched, raped, even growing 50,000 feet tall.

The couple argues almost the entire film between the boyfriend having to pay for everything, the girlfriend wanting to have a baby and apparently being pregnant, and even religion.

They eventually make it home and are found innocent of the murders, however they get killed by a banana and a terrorist. Surprisingly separate incidents.

This movie sounds like it would be amazing! It has a telepathic vagina at one point! But it is wrapped in shitty dialogue and audio, needless nudity, and the ultimate goal to “offend people” running every decision.

Again I don’t recommend watching it, I don’t recommend downloading it, and I DEFINITELY don’t recommend owning it.

If you want to borrow it, let me know.

Tomorrow: Now that we’re done, can I even recognize good movies anymore?

Oh and Worst Christmas coming in December. Tell your friends.

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made

TL:DR THE TITLE IS FREAKING RIGHT! Just don’t!

When I started trying to find a bunch of bad movies, this showed up on a list. I figured, OBVIOUSLY this had to be one of the ones I reviewed. Only problem was I couldn’t find it. Couldn’t find it streaming, couldn’t rent or buy it digitally, and couldn’t find it at Movie Trading Company.

So I found it on DVD on ebay, and ordered it. Set to arrive on October 30th. It actually arrived 3 days ago, but eh, its funnier to say it was a well timed arrival.

All of the other reviews I typed up after finishing the movie. This time I paused the movie 5 minutes in, and started typing everything out as it happened because lord knows I would NOT be able to keep track of all the shit(and shit monsters) that happens in this movie after it happened.

So here we go. . .

A couple has friends over for a friendly game of strip poker. As the couple is arguing, where the man keeps complaining about having to pay for everything, one of the girls goes to the bathroom and runs into a guy who keeps doing horrible axe puns. He then takes an axe out of his pants and attacks her off screen. The second girl goes to the same bathroom, blindfolded to appreciate her sight, and ends up getting an axe to the back. The axe murderer then starts masturbating.

Mind you, five minutes have passed from the start of the movie until now. The only other guy at the poker game decides to go to the bathroom, and the axe murderer convinces him to put on a blindfold, then cuts off his hand. Then the axe murderer proceeds to rape him.

A third woman shows up and quickly loses her shirt in strip poker, so everyone decides to quit playing. The guy decides to play 52 pick up, and when he flicks the cards in the air, 3 6 of diamonds(with incorrect number of diamonds) hit her in the face and neck, killing her. So the couple run away to live a life as fugitives, unaware of the number of bodies currently in the house.

A detective shows up ands is determined to track the couple down.

He does a really good job. They couple stop to use the bathroom and the woman goes in and encounters a poop monster. The man is found by the detective and told to drop his pants for a “strip search.” A nearby woman sees the man’s ass and the “sight of a full moon!” turns her face into a were wolf and she attacks the detective. The man takes the handcuff keys and runs away(despite not being handcuffed).

He finds his girlfriend with her face covered in poop, and uses his underwear like a red cape in a bull fight and manages to trick the poop monster to go back in the toilet bowl and he flushes it. His girlfriend then tries to kiss him with her face covered in poop.

We are 15 minutes in. We still have an hour and a half left. Oh dear lord in heaven.

Then we cut back to the wolf girl and the detective and she is banging him from behind. The couple return to their car and resume their life on the run, apparently ignoring the rape going on right behind their car before driving away.

They run into soldiers who tell them they can’t go any further due to the city being quarantined. They convince the soldiers to search them so they can clear them to go through. The soldiers strip search them, and start raping the guy, and are about to rape the girl, but apparently she has poop on her. . . area, and they all start throwing up. One weird jump cut later, the couple is dressed and in the middle of the woods.

21 minutes in.

The couple then go to a fortune teller. I’m sorry, MisFortune Teller. The misfortune teller gives her a vial of liquid that is supposed to be “birth control”(due to an argument about having children) and tells her not to drink it until at least 1 mile away. She then buys a drink that looks identical to the vial and while looking at them both in her hands, forgets which is which and presumably drinks the wrong one. She then grows to the size of a building and all her clothes tear off. Because OF COURSE THEY DO!

She then knocks over the twin towers. Oh dear god. . .keep in mind this was made in 2004. So just three years after 9/11. Jesus fucking christ. . .

AND GUESS WHO SHOWS UP!

The man goes to a bar, orders a drink and is given a red vial of liquid. Jesus follows him in and gets into an argument about whether this is his second or third coming.

The terrorists who are running the bar, then knock out and strap Jesus to a cross.

We keep cutting back to the 50,000 foot naked woman. Jesus then reaches out to the naked woman. . .with his dick. Until it goes soft due to blood loss. Jesus then decides to fly, while still attached to the cross. Meanwhile the nearby soldiers decide to fire a missile from a tank at the giant woman and end up hitting flying crucified Jesus instead.

Half hour in.

The boyfriend convinces the soldiers to launch him into her vagina so he can stop the growth hormone and stop her from growing. While in there, he notices a cgi baby. He uses a laser gun to destroy the cgi baby.

She shrinks back to normal size and gives birth to her boyfriend(off screen). They jump cut to a green screen cave where they can hear. . . the Underground Rail Road? Yeah, they run into the ghost of a runaway slave. And the poop monster again.

Then we cut to the Detective masturbating in the bathroom while he recalls all the times he has been anally raped in his life.

Along with random images of a run over squirrel. Why?

While we were watching that, the ghost of the runaway slave defeated the poop monster. And the girlfriend still has no clothes on.

They are then teleported inside of a house and the girlfriend is now in lingerie from the strip poker game. They explain it, but It’s stupid.

The house they are in has a dead naked woman. . . and several dead baby dolls. They try and sneak out and find the sleeping murderer. Then the man goes to find a weapon and the woman gets captured. The man comes back with (sigh) baby-chucks, but drops them and gets knocked out.

The doctor/murderer then decides to induce labor on the girlfriend and pulls out the baby that was destroyed with the laser earlier. Apparently the baby isn’t dead, just burned. It knocks over a bottle with a bug inside and the bugs kills the doctor.

The boyfriend was apparently not tied up, only convinced to sit still so he wouldn’t be killed. The boyfriend then kills the baby as an act of mercy. Or that’s what he is shouting/singing while he jumps up and down on it.

The couple then escape into the woods. It is revealed that there is a reward for them, and a bunch of rednecks try to capture them for the reward. They try to get the boyfriend drunk, and the redneck girl tries to trick the girlfriend into getting killed by bats.

The girlfriend then cuts the face off the redneck girl and puts it on as a disguise. While she is doing that, the Rednecks rape the boyfriend.

She uses the disguise to walk off with her boyfriend, and then they have sex while wearing redneck girl’s face. Then she takes it off and they run away. Before the boyfriend stumbles into a giant Spider-web. A giant rubber spider shows up. The girlfriend remembers the trick to summon bats, and cuts the boyfriend free while the spider and bat fight.

Then a mummy shows up. And the boyfriend remembers he left the laser gun in his girlfriend’s vagina.

Only 40 minutes left. Only 40 minutes left.

They shoot the mummy only to find out it was a man warning them they were about to trespass into zombie territory.

Oh wait, my mistake. Zom-BEES! Which are cgi flies with skulls on them. The girlfriend runs into a swarm of zom-Bees and tricks them into running into the spider web.

The boyfriend meets a naked lesbian choking on a candy. She then reminisces about a ventriloquist dummy that kills her girlfriend earlier that day.

Lets just leave it at the segment, like ALL THE SEGMENTS, goes on for far too long. She escaped by beating the dummy like a piñata, and then when candy fell out, she started choking on a piece.

Jesus finds the girlfriend and has sex with her, then a tree monster attacks Jesus and rapes him.

The boyfriend apparently is tripping out, probably from the moonshine, and he believes a woman walking her dog is Cerberus.

The girlfriend uses her vagina telepathy to track down her boyfriend who has been committed to an insane asylum. Which looks like a bar.

20 minutes left. THE END IS IN SIGHT!

They escape the insane asylum, using boobs and a crazy person. Then they break up because the girlfriend took a bunch of monopoly money thinking it was real money.

The girlfriend goes into the woods then runs into zombie Jesus. The boyfriend picks up a female hitchhiker and a female vampire.

Then it just devolves into a lesbian porn scene after the boyfriend gets kicked out of bed.

The girlfriend defeats Zombie-Jesus with the vial of red liquid from earlier(I don’t know why or how that works).

The Boyfriend tries to defeat the vampire lady with a crucifix but it doesn’t work. After he pulls out his penis and they laugh at him, he eventually just leaves and they don’t stop him.

The girlfriend goes home thinking she has no reason to run, but the detective shows up and tries to rape her. Then the axe murderer kills the detective. Then rapes the body.

The boyfriend comes home, uncuffs the girlfriend and they reconcile, just before the police show up and kill the axe murderer. The police officer explains all the evidence clears them of all the murders.

The couple then decides to have sex and the girlfriend decides to do her boyfriend from behind with a banana. The banana is apparently a horrible creature that starts killing the boyfriend. Then one of the terrorists from earlier shows up and blows himself up, killing the girlfriend. It cuts to a map of the US and shows explosions happening everywhere.

Credits roll. The masses rejoice.

This movie is basically just here to shock and offend. This isn’t entertaining or even “so bad it is good” territory, it’s just an hour and 48 minutes of naked women, batshit explanations, and moments where you have to stop and process what the fuck just crossed your tv screen.

I do not recommend this movie. Just forget it exists and move on with your life.

If you want to borrow it, let me know.

Tomorrow: (walks by in his bathrobe) You’re still here? . . .it’s over. Go home. Go.

(JOIN US THIS DECEMBER FOR THE WORST CHRISTMAS movies EVER!)

WHAT?!? NO! PLEASE, DEAR GOD, NO!

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Howard Lovecraft and the Frozen Kingdom

Having trouble coming up with an idea for a kids movie? Why not make a movie about the greatest eldritch horror writer ever! Lets give him relatable story about his father being committed to an insane asylum after going mad!

To top it off, this was by the same creator of The Legend of Hallowaiian! So cue cheap animation, poor dialogue, and a cast list full of the director’s family. Either that or he takes a page out of the Bolson Construction policy and only hires actors and actresses with the last name O’Reilly.

So we meet 10 year old- err. . . Actually how old is he? (Puts on his Film Theory hat and brainy specs) Okay, the film takes place in 1897, HP Lovecraft was born on August 20th 1890, and it starts on Winfield Lovecraft’s birthday, which was on October 26th, so that makes Howard Lovecraft 7 years old.

So we meet 7 year old Howard Lovecraft as he is sitting alone in his room being sad. Howard and his mother go to visit his father who has been committed to an insane asylum. After the doctor goes on and on about how it is not a good idea for Winfield to have visitors, he relents out of nowhere. So while the doctor and Howard’s mother are having a conversation about Winfield, Howard open’s Winfield’s beanhole- I mean food receptacle port, and Winfield spouts crazy nonsense about words, symbols, and King Abdul-Jabbar.

After Winfield grabs his son through the food port, the orderlies finally restrain him, but not before slipping Howard a coin- err(reads script) necklace? Whatever.

After going home, Howard’s mother decides to give Howard his dad’s copy of the Necronomicon. Apparently this one is not made out of human skin. Howard decides to read it until he falls asleep, and like everyone who reads the Necronomicon, they decide to read the lines of power out loud, instead of in their head like they do the rest of the book. This fortunately doesn’t summon a horde of zombies, it only opens a portal into the set of Frozen.

Instead of cute snow monsters, Cthulhu shows up and chases after Howard like a dog ready to play fetch. Cthulhu almost falls off a cliff, but he convinces Howard to pull him back up. Then we find out that this isn’t Cthulhu, it’s a character named Thu Thu Hmong. Howard decides to call him Spot.

Thu Thu Hmong tears him in half for his insolence, and the movie ends.

Or never mind, Spot he is. Howard and . . .Spot, meet up with squid people. Then after a 10 minute dinner scene that does nothing, Howard and Spot head off to a castle. On the way, Howard teaches Spot how to make snow men and have a snowball fight, complete with topical matrix bullet time dodges. And I don’t mean slow motion through the air dodges, I mean the full tilt back limbo move. Howard manages to hit Spot with a snowball, so Spot forms a giant snow boulder and crushes Howard with it.

They finally reach the castle and enter a seemingly empty town. Then they suddenly are surrounded by 8 goblins. One smug goblin walks up to Spot and threatens him with a sword. Spot then whips the goblin around like Hulk does Loki in the Avengers. And that wasn’t me being witty in my comparison, it is a straight rip off of the shot from The Avengers. Spot shows that the Goblin spears and weapons are no threat to him, but one of the Goblins knock out Howard.

Somehow this enables the goblins to capture both Spot and Howard and suspend them above a boiling pot of green liquid when Howard wakes up. Spot then breaths in to expand his chest and the restraints pop off immediately. How did they capture him? Why was he bound at all?

The Goblins apparently work for Algid, a woman king who apparently wants Howard’s help in unfreezing the Kingdom. She explains that they accidentally summoned Cthulhu who is a creature from the water, and in order to stop him, they froze everything. They explain a copy of the Necronomicon is in a cave guarded by Sho-gath.

Howard and Spot go out to find the book, which pisses Spot off for some reason. Spot is too big to initially make it into the cave, so Howard goes in alone. He finds the book and Sho-Gath. Sho-Gath reveals that Spot is actually Cthulhu.

That’s right, the head banging of an ancient one earlier being called “Spot” just got dialed to 11. So Howard is about to be eaten by Sho-Gath when “Spot” finally makes it into the cave and . . . immediately gets eaten.

I would call Cthulhu a pansy, but I would like to keep my mind intact, thank you. Howard drops the neckcoin and apparently the symbol on it makes Sho-Gath just blow up. Cthulhu is safe, and they take the book back to Algid.

Algid then immediately reveals that she is King Abdul and reads a line in the book that turns Cthulhu evil. (Just stares off in space for a while, realizing what he just typed)

The squid people from earlier arrive and King Abdul is so shocked that she does not notice one of them walk up to her and just take the book from her hands.

Howard gets the book and somehow immediately finds the “Turn Cthulhu back to good” spell.(Come on man, just get through this, almost there)

Cthulhu, the Squid people, and Howard perform the jumping through the air shot from Avengers: Age of Ultron, then beat up all the goblins. Howard summons a portal back to his world. King Abdul summons shadow demons and Howard uses his coin to blast them all with hand light. King Abdul then spider-crawls away. Howard then says a heartfelt goodbye to Cthulhu and the Squid people(son of a BITCH), and then returns to his world.

Howard gives the copy of the Necronomicon to his father, his father says he will get better, and the movie ends with Howard reading the Necronomicon more.

Kid-Friendly Cthulhu. God help us all.

Tomorrow: So I’m not sure what to do tomorrow. I’ve done most of the MAJOR bad movies already. I want Halloween to be special but I just don’t think there is a really big movie out there worthy of the spot.

(Door Bell rings)

One moment.

Mailman: Package for you, sir.

Oh thank you

(Signs for package and closes the door)

(Opens the package)

It looks like a DVD?

. . . Oh Shit. . .(turns dvd case over). . .oh god no. . .

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Hobgoblins

So, despite being a bad movie, this was goofy as hell. I think MST3K kind of oversold this one a bit. I saw trailers for this and originally decided not to put it on the list, but Wikipedia said it was on the worst movie list and described it as torture for the MST3K cast.

So we start the film with Old Man McCreedy berating a younger security guard for being young and bored on the job. Then when doing rounds of the old film studio, McCreedy tells the young guard not to go down a specific hallway. The young man ignores the vague warning and goes into an unlocked vault and suddenly finds himself on a rock stage. He then starts. . .mock singing and then accidentally falls off the stage. McCreedy then finds the young man’s corpse in the vault and . . . just shuts the door.

Cue the credits. We then cut to McCreedy’s boss yelling at McCreedy for another security guard “quitting” and that the deserted film studio will lose their insurance if there isn’t a security guard watching the gate. So we show the new young security guard, Kevin, learning the ropes of his new job. He also gets told not to go in the vault area, and at least gets the excuse of “dangerous machinery.” He is then given a cap gun and ominous music plays.

Kevin then goes home to find his girlfriend, Amy, and his friends, Daphne and Kyle, at his house. Kevin rented a video for him and Amy, and Daphne complains that it doesn’t have an X in its rating. Then Daphne’s boyfriend, Nick, arrives after 2 months at army boot camp and they talk about banging. Then Kyle says he needs to call his girlfriend that they’ve never met. 🎶His girlfriend that lives in Canada!🎶 Actually, his girlfriend turns out to be a sex hot line. “We’ll go to a PG movie and make it rated X!” (Checks movie listings) So you’re going to bang during a showing of Goosebumps 2: The Haunted Halloween? Or Is it Smallfoot that gets you hot and bothered?

Kevin walks in on Kyle listening to the sex line and asks if it is long distance, cause he keeps arguing with the phone company about mysterious sex line charges. (Ba dum tsh)

Anywho Nick keeps going on about his army training and decides to show Kevin some hand to hand fighting. Apparently Nick attended the Chinese Army bootcamp from Mulan because Nick decides to fight Kevin with a rake while Kevin defends himself with a hoe. Not yet, we’re saving the ho joke for later.

After about three minutes of just beating their sticks together, Nick defeats Kevin. Daphne and Nick have sex in Nick’s van while Amy has a 25 second argument with Kevin about her embarrassing him because he didn’t win in a fight he didn’t want to have against a trained soldier. Daphne and Nick then exit the van. 25 seconds. Including time to get semi decent again.

We go back to Kevin’s job and a guy decides to sneak onto the film studio lot and happens to walk by the ONLY camera the security guards are watching. Old Man McCreedy decides to go challenge this ne’er do-well and ends up getting held hostage with a knife. Kevin arrives with his cap gun and carefully fires it into the air. This causes the man to flee and Kevin gives chase.

Kevin then decides to go into the vault. McCreedy arrives just in time for the sound effects to run past Kevin and McCreedy. We then see 4 teddy bears wearing goblin masks driving a golf cart off the film set.

McCreedy then tells Kevin how a space ship landed on the film set and inside were two masked teddy bears and he decided to hide them in a vault because he thought they were okay. Then everyone starts dying. The teddy bears apparently make your fantasy’s come true before they ultimately result in your death. Then McCreedy goes into detail about how to stop them and they need to be stopped before sunrise. Because he got the instruction manual in the space pod when they arrived, I guess.

The hobgoblins go to Kevin’s house where Amy, Daphne, and Kyle are dancing around with strobe lights.

Daphne then goes outside because she hears a horn that sounds like Nick’s van. The hobgoblin then sneaks up behind her and attacks her. After a brief struggle, the ho grabs a hoe and starts beating the living daylights out of the ho goblin- I mean hobgoblin.

She goes back inside, and everyone thinks her disheveled appearance is from sex(ba dum tsh). Then the hobgoblins burst in and everyone has to fake wrestle teddy bears. Nick arrives and decides he’ll use a hand grenade that he has in his van to kill the creatures. Kevin arrives in time to STOP Nick from blowing up his house and turns the lights off. The sound effects then sneak past everyone and go into Nick’s van.

Everyone relaxes. Then Kyle decides to call the sex line again. This time one of the hobgoblins brings the fantasy to life and Kyle finds the sex line worker outside. She talks about going all the way, and says they need to go to Reputation Row, which has sections for kissing all the way to “all the way” clearly marked. Kyle asks if they can stop to pick up pop rocks and whipped cream.

Kyle needs this to work out. Badly!

On the way there, you can see someone’s hand on the roof of the car rocking it back and forth.

When they arrive, the sex line worker tells Kyle to stay in the car as she gets out and tries to push the car over the cliff. She can’t do it until Kyle apparently turns the car on and drives forward a little bit, as indicated by the headlights and tail lights being on. Kyle apparently is unperturbed by his car moving forward several feet.

Kevin manages to arrive in time and, learning that the rake is the superior weapon, hits the hobgoblin with a rake, dispelling the fantasy. Kyle gets out of the car to complain to Kevin about his imaginary girlfriend disappearing. Kyle apparently left the car in neutral, because the car then rolls off the cliff. This is apparently enough to convince Kyle that hobgoblins are real.

They return to Kevin’s house to find that Amy has gone to Club Scum. They go there and after a band plays a song that inspires very unenthusiastic dancing, discover that Amy has gone all Sandra D from the last scene of Grease(if she got her clothing cues from Dr. Frankenfurter).

The hobgoblins go full psychic onslaught as Nick believes he is in war and gets handed a bunch of guns, ammo belts, and a the official army regulated bandanna headband. He then proceeds to start chucking grenades all over the place.

Nick’s commanding officer(who is at the bar in full uniform because. . .) then decides to blow up Nick with a grenade because he wants Daphne to himself. . . and a truck load of soldiers. The grenade engulfs Nick in flames instead of blowing him to pieces. . . because.

Daphne then blows up the Commanding Officer, and two hobgoblins, freeing everyone from the fantasies. The hobgoblins then return to the studio vault(via sound effect travel).

Old Man McCreedy then blows up vault and an entire floor of the building. Kevin and Amy reconcile because Kevin proved his manliness by fighting a nunchuck wielding fantasy thug earlier. Kyle starts hitting on Daphne and uses pinning a flower to her shirt as an excuse to rub her boob, which works until Nick shows up with only very minor burns after being FULLY ENGULFED IN FLAMES AFTER DIVING ON A GRENADE.

Nick and Daphne then jump into the van and have sex. The end.

This movie is very low quality and a clear Gremlins rip off, but it is goofy and fun. I actually enjoyed it quite a bit. They even ended up making a Hobgoblins 2 over 20 years after the first. I’ll need to check it out sometime, but not for this list.

Tomorrow: So I need to go back to a kid friendly movie because my niece will be around tomorrow. So why not go with an earlier work of the maker of Legend of Hallowaiian.