THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Howling 2: Stirba Werewolf Bitch OR Your Sister is a Werewolf!

Yeah, the title I watched it under was Your Sister is a Werewolf, but apparently the UK title was Stirba Werewolf Bitch, so I went with the Rocky and Bullwinkle joke.

When I kept seeing this movie pop up on “Worst horror movies” lists, I wrote it off as just being a poor movie, but didn’t think it would fit with Plan 9 and Nudist Colony of the Dead. Then I found out Reb Brown was in it.

Reb Brown is the action movie star you get when your budget is whatever you can panhandle that week. I recommend watching The Spoony Experiment to see his films through the protective lens of a review. Watching his films unprotected leads to madness.

Fortunately, our protection is Christopher Lee. He is the only thing holding this film together. He acts as the Van Helsing of this movie. Which is odd considering he played Dracula in the past. He tells everyone about the werewolves and how Titanium actually works better than silver. Which is sound advice outside of Supernatural situations.

So yeah, this film opens with Christopher Lee IN SPACE reading a creepy verse from the bible(or a bible, not necessarily the holy one) and then a Skeleton slowly creeps up behind him. Not an animated skeleton, just a laboratory skeleton. For no reason.

Christopher Lee tells Reb Brown that his sister(the main character of Howling 1 who turned into a werewolf before getting killed) is a werewolf. Reb Brown calls bullshit and stops Christopher Lee from stabbing her in the heart with a titanium rod(because Werewolves are Vampires in this movie). Reb Brown screams about how he won’t let Christopher Lee harm his sister, just before his sister turns into a werewolf and Reb Brown IMMEDIATELY shoots her in the Head.

After Reb Brown fights off several more werewolves, they learn they must kill the Stirba, who lives in Transylvania(Because Werewolves are Vampires in this movie).

They go to Transylvania where Christopher Lee’s sister, the Stirba, sucks the life force out of a woman to become young and beautiful again, before stripping off her clothes and joining in a werewolf threesome. And yes it is weird. They go half wolf so they are all hairy. Which would be a great time for a Dollar Shave Club ad.

Naturally Reb Brown’s love interest gets captured and Christopher Lee and Reb Brown murder a ton of werewolves to go rescue her and kill the Stirba. The Stirba has gone full lady gaga at this point and uses the bat on her staff to kill the Priest trying to kill her(BECAUSE WEREWOLVES ARE VAMPIRES IN THIS MOVIE).

Reb Brown saves the girl, Christopher Lee sacrifices himself to kill his sister, and they all live happily ever after. OR DO THEY?

A kid with too good of werewolf costume shows up at their door on halloween, and the weird priest across the hall claims he has no children. So. . . mystery?

The ending credits use the only song used constantly throughout the film in a music video of various clips throughout the movie, and specifically uses the clip where the Stirba shows her boobs about 17 times(according to Jon Tron).

I think this was a fun movie, and definitely recommend you check it out.

Tomorrow: Since we covered bad Werewolves, I think it is time to cover real Vampires! . . .maybe, could go either way.

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Birdemic: Shock and Terror

So yesterday’s movie was about the evils of Veganism, tonights movie is about the evils of Global Warming.

I’m pretty sure Captain Planet would tell this movie to calm the hell down with its preachiness. Or I dunno, maybe he’d be cool with it, after losing his mind and turning everyone into trees that one time.

This movie was BAD. I can’t even recommend it. Honestly, the first 40 minutes is basically elevator music and almost half of it is establishing shots. So after mentioning how terrible everything is going because of news reports about global warming and birds dying randomly, we get to the 40 minute mark, have more establishing shots of locations where nothing is happening, we suddenly cut to SAN FRANCISCO UNDER SIEGE! WELCOME TO HELL!

Fake CGI birds are just hovering(randomly flapping every so often) and occassionally DIVE BOMBING AND EXPLODING! With plane sounds!

So the protagonists end up defending themselves with coat hangers until they get to their car and break out the handguns and assault rifles!(Get off my ass, they have a plug-in hybrid Mustang in this movie, so I’m calling it an assault rifle)

Speaking of the “plug in hybrid Mustang” this movie spends a LOT of time driving around in a Mustang or an old minivan. And despite the movie handwaving the Mustang as a plug in hybrid, that doesn’t exist in the real world. Or at least didn’t in 2008. So this movie is REAL PREACHY about global warming, but wastes ALL THAT GAS DRIVING AROUND!

So once the birds start attacking, the protagonists drive around, randomly stopping to help people(which results in them losing half their party when they fail to save people, then getting robbed of their gas) and also randomly meeting an environmentalist and an ornithologist. Then when things seem their worst and the eagles are about to take them, some Doves show up and convince the eagles to leave them alone and fly away.

As I said, I don’t recommend this movie. Maybe RiffTrax might improve the absolutely dead air, but I doubt it. If you want to ignore the warnings, it is on Amazon Prime.

Tomorrow: Well, after birds, we ought to give Cats a chance.

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Troll 2

Creedence Leonore Gielgud is my favorite!

This movie is just absolutely gold! This is basically an Are You Afraid of the Dark episode dialed to 11. Only without the budget and actors before they “made it.”

So Troll 2 is about Goblins (which should already throw up some flags) who are vegetarians. Which would make you think that we would be safe by default, but nope. Rather than eat all the regular fruits and veggies in their farming town, they decide to turn humans into plants to eat them. That’s like chopping up Kale into powder and mixing it into chocolate cake mix to add veggies to your “diet.”

This movie is a warning about what will happen if we let Vegans take over!

So yeah, the Goblins turn people into plants by making them eat green food that the Goblins made. At one point when the main character’s family is about to chow down on green food, his dead grandpa stops time to think of a way to stop them from eating it. So after much thought, he decides to piss on all the green food.

Yep.

Then his dad takes him to his room, throws him on the bed and starts unbuckling his belt. . .

“What are you going to do to me?!?”

“I’M TIGHTENING MY BELT ONE NOTCH TO STOP MY HUNGER PAINS! AND YOUR SISTER AND MOTHER WILL HAVE TO DO THE SAME!”

Kid, you got lucky. In the real world, that belt would be whipping your backside. And that was best case scenario.

My honest first thought was he was going to make the punishment fit the crime.

So yeah, as the Goblins start eatting the cannon fodder of the sister’s boyfriend’s friends, the family finally start believing that something is wrong with this town. And ultimately the day is saved by a double decker bologna sandwich. Because goblins apparently can’t the meat toxins. So like Invader Zim, they can’t handle meat.

God, everyone needs to see this movie! Available on Amazon Prime

Tomorrow: What happens when you mix Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds with Instagram Filters? The answer will Shock and Terrify you.

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Silent Night, Deadly Night: Part 2

Holy crap, I enjoyed the hell out of this movie.

When I picked this movie, I figured I would later go back and watch the first film later in the month. TURNS OUT I DON’T HAVE TO! Because they spend the first half of the movie recapping the events of the first!

So apparently seeing santa murder your parents grants you super strength because the Chapman(Caldwell?) boys are both able to hold a full grown adult male in the air with one hand until they die. Ricky gets the extra credit points on this one seeing as he does it to a fat mafioso hitman, and while holding him up, impales him with an Umbrella Umbrella(Available from ThinkGeek).

So Billy grows up with a fear of Santa Claus(which makes perfect sense why he gets a job as a department store Santa) and then snaps when he sees a girl being raped. So he kills the attempted rapist, and then when the girl he rescues calls him a psycho, he shrugs it off and decides to just kill everybody. Whether they deserve it or not.

Ricky on the other hand gets a fear of Santa AND nuns! He also ends up killing people after seeing a halfway attempted rape. The rapist just gives up the rape after she calls him an asshole and he walks away. So Ricky runs him over with the assholes jeep. Multiple times. Then the girl he . . . saved I guess, thanks him. So he uses his powers for justice, killing rapists, mafiosos, creepy ex boyfriends, and guys who talk in the theater. Until he defends his girlfriends honor by killing her ex, and she calls him a psycho. So he kills her, kills the cop who tries to arrest him, the guy across the street, the guy putting out the trash(GARBAGE DAY!), an oncoming car, his psychiatrist, and finally the Mother Superior from the orphanage he grew up in.

Eric Freeman makes this movie. If a better actor was in this role, it would be a useless. But Eric Freeman’s shitty acting makes the silly scenes AMAZING!

Sadly this movie is not currently streaming(save for a shitty slightly sped up version on youtube) so you will probably have to pay to see it someway.

Tomorrow: While we’re on the subject of sequels. . .

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Nudist Colony of the Dead

Yeah, we’re going all in with this thing.

I’ve been aware that this movie exists for many years. Because of one video that a friend sent me online. The song “Inky Dinky Doodah Morning.” It’s just mind boggling.

That’s right, this movie is a Musical. The music is kind of catchy. This movie is intentional comedy, but that doesn’t stop it from being bad.

A nudist colony gets ousted by a church, so the nudists commit suicide and curse the land they are on so that anytime a religious function is held on their land, they will rise again and kill everyone.

The group that is going there for this film is at least the third group to go out there. And yes, by the end a fourth group is on their way out.

The nudity is surprisingly low(outside of all the naked people). There are no sex scenes or anything like a typical camp slasher film, just a lot of wordplay.

One funny thing, the movie starts with an apology for the poor lighting and cinematography, but then the credits include the lighting director to be Ray Charles, the director of photography being Stevie Wonder, and gives special commendation to the Cameraman’s Seeing Eye Dog.

I recommend checking this movie out, if only to spread the insanity to others. It is available on Amazon Prime.

Tomorrow: Well, considering some Christmas songs and decorations are already creeping in, might as well get a Christmas movie on this list. Come to think of it, tomorrow is Garbage day.

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Plan 9 From Outer Space

I think I should have saved Manos for later. Cause it is making me appreciate this movie way too much.

How I met your mother had a scene where Ted and Elliot from Scrubs over which is a Worse movie, Manos or Plan 9. Manos is worse, Hands Down.

Yes, pun intended.

After the full length of nothing that was Manos, Plan 9 is a breath of fresh air. There is an actual plot hidden in all the rambling inane dialogue. It’s a silly and stupid plot, but it is certainly more than Manos.

I was familiar with Plan 9 by reputation and from the movie Ed Wood. You can’t take a video production class and NOT learn about Plan 9 as a how to on not to make movies.

People love to bash this movie as being terrible and low quality, and they are not wrong, but honestly, if this movie was made 10 or 20 years earlier, it would be right at home with the other sci fi movies that are now considered classics. It would be seen as just a cheap and cheesy for its time, which is what Ed Wood was inspired by.

I definitely recommend it for people who like to laugh at bad movies, and again I recommend seeing it with RiffTrax or friends or group setting such as an Alamo Drafthouse showing.

Tomorrow: I’m not sure, let me draw from the bucket (shuffles paper) and the winner is. . .

. . .Nudist Colony of the Dead. What the f-

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: MANOS: The Hands of Fate

This movie invites riffing. Honestly, it gives you plenty of time to think of funny stuff to say and allows you to say everything you can think of without interrupting any dialogue.

Oh but if you DO interrupt anything, they will likely repeat the line over for you if it is important.

And it is surprising how much you have to pay attention in order to realize how bad it is. Not that it will help you know what’s going on.

Honestly, the biggest problem with this movie is that it’s boring. You have to make jokes and laugh at it because there is NOTHING going on.

I advise watching this on RiffTrax or maybe at Alamo Drafthouse for the group experience. Don’t go into Manos alone!

Tomorrow: If I had a better Plan together, this would be number 9, but sadly, it’s only night 2.

So last year I attempted to watch and review 30 of the Classic Universal Monster movies.

I failed. I stopped posting reviews after Son of Frankenstein, and stopped watching them roughly around Phantom of the Opera. So I pondered making a second attempt, but thought it was lame. Then this morning I came up with a better idea. Two actually, but I’ll save that other one for next year.

This year instead of the classics, we’re going with the worst.

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

So because I came up with this idea this morning, I don’t have any hard and fast rules. The movies just need to be horror or halloween related, and I can’t have watched the full movie before. Not going to peruse the bottom of the list on Rotten Tomatoes, but I will likely just go, “This looks terrible, lets watch!” I will try to go with some of the classic really bad films in there, but this will largely be played by ear.

I am open to suggestions though. The lower budget and face palmy the better.

Tonight though, lets start off by giving these movies a Hand for trying.