THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: The Creeping Terror

A little back story. Vic Savage, the star and producer of this film, bought a script from Allan Silliphant, the half brother of Stirling Silliphant(who apparently is a talented writer I’ve never heard of). He then promoted this project as being written by the more famous sibling. He even offered people parts as extras if they invested in the film. Then when production issues went awry and most of the film was shot, Vic Savage skipped town with most of the investors money.

Someone stepped in to salvage the film, finished it in post, and put it on TV. Now we ALL have to suffer.

So 2 minutes into the film, we all suddenly realize how deeply we are screwed. We get about 15 seconds of dialogue between the happy couple and then the narrator starts talking over them explaining everything.

Apparently the original soundtrack was lost and they couldn’t get everyone back to dub the audio, so they just had a narrator tell the full story while people’s lips moved behind the camera. The only thing lazier would be to abridge the whole story and put it online leaving out a bunch of plot moments and set ups to make it seem worse than it is.

<_<

>_>

(Cough)

Anywho, so Vic Savage’s character plays a sheriff’s deputy that is just coming back from his honeymoon. While on their way home, a space ship crashes(and by crashes, I mean they reverse footage of a rocket launch) in his county and he drives by to investigate. They find the hat of his uncle Ben, the Sheriff, and assume him to be dead. Another deputy walks into the space ship and is killed by a bunch of random sound effects. Unbeknownst to Vic and the army that shows up, a second space mangina managed to get out of the space ship and start eating people.

So the army brings in a scientist to investigate the landing and they decide not to kill the walking munching carpets and not tell anyone of the crisis going on so none of the hot young couples have any clue to run from the creature that only goes about half a mile an hour.

For the rest of the film the scientist stares at various parts of the spaceship, the walking 70’s bush moves a few more feet, and people dance, make out, or do other stuff while oblivious to the impending doom.

Oh, and Vic Savage invites his friend over just so he can watch Vic Savage make out with his new wife. It’s weird.

The monster eats a couple making out, a boy and his grandfather in the woods, an entire dance hall, and then several cars on lovers lane(you know, after humping the cars for a bit).

The army then decides to tell the scientist to shove it and kill the monsters. Vic Savage brings his wife to the scene for some reason. Is she an out of uniform deputy or something? Law enforcement typically doesn’t bring their family along to work.

Anywho, The Army sends about a dozen soldiers against it with guns and they all die. Then the commander decides to use a hand grenade. It works but he was too close and gets injured. The scientist realizes the creature is just a bio machine that eats people to collect data on them. So the scientist goes to the ship to . . . something, the narrator wasn’t talking much during this bit. When he gets there, something blows up in the ship and he is badly injured and the second monster is loose and hungry for science! Then Vic Savage hits the monster with his car and kills it. Hand grenades and 60’s automobiles, the ultimate in anti-alien weaponry. The doctor dies saying the data was transmitted to back to the source and we will have to wait and see what happens. Roll credits.

This movie is drawn out and boring. Honestly it seems like someone was in the editing room and just kept telling the editor to stretch it out some more.

Apparently the monster was originally much more impressive, but someone stole the original so we get the furry slug from space.

Honestly, I’m partially thankful to the narrator because god help me if I had to hear the dialogue that tried to shove all that story down my throat, I would probably go insane.

I suggest watching this via MST3K. I didn’t, because I wanted the pure experiance, but save yourself! DON’T BE A HERO!

Tomorrow: Another MST3K classic, that the show creators described as painful to watch as many times in a week as they had to for the show.

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Space Boobs IN SPACE

So this movie popped up when I was looking up Nudist Colony of the Dead and I liked the title too much to immediately dismiss it. Thing was I knew absolutely NOTHING about this film. There were no trailers, video reviews, or real descriptions. The description from amazon listed swamp monsters, ghosts, and vampires, so there was enough in there to justify a Halloween entry.

My first worry was this was just going to be a nude-fest, like Orgy of the Dead. Fortunately there is no nudity in this film.

My second worry that this was actually a good film after a few early jokes. Fortunately it is not.

I don’t know where my priorities are.

So one thing I did not realize until the first 20 minutes, this is an anthology film. This movie comes with not one, but TWO wrap around stories. Kind of?

It starts with a woman recovering a data disc and finding a video made by a woman with duct tape over her nipples(OUCH) imploring her not to watch it. We all ignore the warnings.

The woman plays the video. We then have a woman who is an alien(you can tell by the green makeup) and she talks about Space Boobs in Space the movie, and meeting with the cast and director. We then cut to a historical reenactment of first contact between humans and the aliens. The aliens prize human breast milk and in exchange they give us alien breast milk that keeps them young and immortal. Human breast milk apparently keeps them from reverting to squid people. This alien race keeps refering to female breasts as “the titty.”

That movie ends and the aliens interview the directors and actors. And everyone just goes around testing their weirdest accents. It is painful to watch.

The short films are generally weird. One has a woman pick up a hooker to play Operation(TM) on her crotch. Then we have one where a real estate agent is trying to sell real estate to Jason Voorhees in the woods(GOD FUCKING DAMNIT! I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THIS!). Then a guy proposes to his girlfriend of a few months and gives her his grandmother’s ring. She then starts seeing a ghost. When the girl asks about his ex fiance, he takes her out to the place that she died. The girl then stabs him before he attacks her. The ghost nods her approval.

Then we see a woman eating cheesecake in a tub and nothing else happens. Then we get a long drawn out interview of the alien host interviewing the alien queen(I guess). The Alien queen is THE MOST PAINFUL part of the movie. And she has THE MOST SCREENTIME!

Then we get the vampire story, “Lapdance at the gates of hell.” Apparently vampires steal your car to get back by morning. A couple girls go to recover their car and phone. They find a den of female vampires and before they are willing to return the phone and car keys, one of the girls has to perform a lapdance for a vampire. Mid lapdance, the vampire bites the girl’s butt. The girls then book it out of there. The girl who was bitten then drops her pants to reveal fangs on her but and then uses her butt fangs to bite her friend’s neck.

There’s a short about interviewing a mud monster. Goes nowhere. There is a another girl who has horror movie music play whenever she touches anything. That one ends with ghostface popping up, doing nothing, then farting and dancing off the screen.

This movie apparently was made on a $1000 budget, a mix of phone and vhs cameras, and shot on the weekends. With that in mind, it is not too bad. The effort is there and a few of the short films aren’t too bad. The ghost ring short is actually my favorite of the shorts. This is clearly a labor of love and it actually has some quality put into it that many of the films on this list so far lack.

Also the theme song at the beginning is kind of catchy.

Tomorrow: So we go from a shoestring budget and a labor of love, to a shootstring budget and an attempt at investor fraud.

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: The Woods of Evil

Not to be confused with The Evil Woods, though I would argue they were probably entered into the same 24 hour film competition. Necessary elements are Location: Woods, Character: Axe murder, Props: Animal Skull, Costume: Parka.

The “horror” aspect of this movie is very back burner. It begins with a background about a bunch of cases where people disappear on the way to the jersey shore. Then the disappearances stop. Or Do they. . .? Then we get a couple murdered when they stop to pee. Then we get around to meeting our main characters.

Ray, Dice, and Paco are all ex convicts who are finding life after incarceration too difficult in their current neighborhood, they decide to pull a big job and leave for California. They decide to kidnap a rich guy’s daughter. As luck would have it, they end up kidnapping 2 rich guys daughters. They take them back to an abandoned house(that still has a working fridge) and a jogger is murdered.

The two rich daughters basically keep mouthing off to their kidnappers, and the kidnappers keep threatening to kill them. Then a creepy old man comes up to the house and warns them of impending doom. He is then killed by the axe murderer.

Ray meets with one of the rich fathers and gets 3 million dollars in a camera bag- I mean “suitcase”. Ray then returns to find that the girls have escaped while Dice and Paco were asleep. And they chase them down. . . because? Honestly, if they just let them run away and left, they would be home free. They are planning to flee the state already. The girls and them were out in the middle of nowhere, so why chase them down.

Well, they do and After Dice verifies that they have the three million, he says they should kill the girls, which Ray intercedes and says they shouldn’t. Again, why? I mean, yes, obviously murder is bad, but considering that just letting them run away is apparently bad for the plan, possibly because the girls can identify them, then killing them is actually better for the plan because then your witnesses are gone. Well, for two of them at least. Ray sat right next to the father paying the ransom and made no attempt to conceal his identity, so . . .

Anywho, the guys start infighting about money and the plan because the girls are successfully playing mind games. Then when Paco and Ray are fighting, Dice takes the money and runs. Now, in the last 10 minutes of the hour and a half film, the killer FINALLY starts killing the main characters. Dice gets a hatchet to the face. Ray gets a couple of arrows to the chest and then decapitated and put in the fridge. Paco gets impaled on a pointy tree stump. One rich girl gets caught in a bear trap and the other gets stabbed in the leg by the killer, but they end up overcoming the killer and stab him repeatedly with sticks. They limp out to the road, screaming the whole time and a car stops to help them. We then hear breathing as something is moving through the woods implying the killer is somehow still alive.

This movie also sucks. The killer is such a non factor through the entire movie, considering the infighting would have resulted in at least two of the guys getting killed, if not all three. One weird thing is that this is referred to as the “Unrated Director’s Cut” but this could easily be PG-13. There is no nudity, there is very little gore, and even the cussing isn’t that strong. So what is Unrated?

Tomorrow: NO MORE WOODS! I AM SICK OF THE GOD DAMN WOODS!

In Space, No one goes into the Woods!

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: The Evil Woods

. . . Honestly, how many times can I say “this was a bad movie” this month? This movie is basically a student film from a kid who didn’t bother showing up to his film classes.

It starts out like it might have regular adult actors, but they get axed off in the first few minutes, with the Axe murderer attacking the man while the moon is out and is still steadily chopping when the sun comes out. We then cut to our ACTUAL college age main characters. We meet Douche Master McBroFace with his two lady friends who can’t seem to stand him, but who have a threesome with him later anyway. Then Steve and his girlfriend Shannon show up and bribe DM McBF with Weed and gas money and a larger vehicle to let them tag along on the camping trip. The opening credits roll as they all seem to have a fun and enjoyable drive to the campgrounds. Then they arrive and everyone reverts back to bitching at everyone else.

They sit around the campfire drinking beer and telling stories when a guy randomly shows up at the campfire and instead of telling him to eff off, they give him a beer and he tells them a story about a local man who was burned to death in his cabin after a bunch of teens locked him in and shot fireworks at his cabin as a prank. He then walks back into the woods.

DM McBF then pisses on the campire to “put it out,” Shannon gets disgusted and goes to bed, and then DM McBF has a threesome with the other two ladies off screen.

Shannon then has a weird dream where she goes for a walk and finds another tent, and then someone grabs her head. She then wakes up and proceeds to bitch and complain when Steve suggests they go for a hike.

As they are hiking, the director managed somehow managed to convince not one, but two of the college girls in this movie to sunbathe topless on a pier. Oh and McBroFace continues to go around peeing on stuff, this time an animal skull of some sort. Oh and random Redneck is jacking off in the woods while watching the girls.

After everyone makes it back to camp and start bitching about the lack of food, Steve and McBroFace go to the truck to get the second cooler of food when they find the Redneck standing in front of their truck, warning them they should leave the woods. It is then that Steve discovers both of the front tires are flat. McBroFace goes to confront the Redneck, but he has disappeared.

As the boys carry the cooler back to camp, the axe murderer kills the Redherring- I mean Redneck. Steve and McBroFace then run into the guy from the campfire and he says he’ll bring them a satellite phone later to help with the truck. When they make it back to camp, one of the girls has wandered off, and Shannon demands they leave now. Steve and Shannon go wait at the truck for the guy with the phone, McBroFace goes to collect firewood, and the other girl goes to search for the other other girl.

Honestly at this point, the only one I don’t want to see die is Steve. He actually seems like a nice guy and wants to do stuff like hike and camp. McBroFace is a complete douchebag tool, his two lady friends are just pothead wastes that are only around to be naked for one scene and have no real personality, and Shannon spends the ENTIRE trip bitching and rolling her eyes at people. Steve’s only real sin is having shitty friends.

Well, the killer finds McBroFace first, and finally kills him. However, it is not a satisfying death because McBroFace continues to to talk while being killed. Then the girl that was searching for the other girl finds her. She finds it weird that she isn’t responding. When she holds the lantern higher, she realizes someone is holding her head. We then find out that her friend is also without a body.

That’s something I probably would have noticed rather sooner. Anywho, she runs off and finds McBroFace’s corpse. Then the axe murderer kills her.

Shannon and Steve sit in the truck for most of the night, with Shannon continuing to bitch over and over and over again that they should just leave. Now, this is all justified if they knew murder was going on. However, they don’t know anything and Shannon is telling him to drive off and leave the other three there and that Steve can come back and get them when she is home. Steve finally relents to drive on the rims, but the car won’t start. Steve gets out to check under the hood and the axe murderer shows up and kills him. Oh well, guess the sin of shitty friends is enough to get you killed.

Shannon hides and falls asleep until morning. When she wakes up, she finds Steve’s blood all over the front of the truck and then the guy with the phone comes over to comfort her as she is freaking out. Then the Axe murderer shows up and kills Shannon and the second red herring. Credits roll.

This movie sucked. Worst part is I had to pay for it. If it becomes available to stream for free, might be worth watching just for mockery, but do NOT waste money on this trash heap.

Tomorrow: (draws a piece of paper from the bucket) . . . You have got to be kidding me. CAN WE GET OUT OF THE DAMN WOODS ALREADY?!?

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Don’t Go in the Woods

So this is the most basic of basic slasher flicks. People go into the woods and suddenly start getting killed. There’s no real timeline for the film, but these are very crowded woods apparently because random forest goers get killed every 5 minutes or so.

We mainly follow four characters, Peter, Craig, Joanne, and Ingrid. Craig is actually prepared and knows about survival in the woods. Naturally he dies first. Peter is just here to party and is tired of all this walking around. Ingrid and Joanne are the names of the two women.

While our main characters are just walking around the woods, people are dying all around them. The film opens with one woman running for her life, then cuts to a man bird watching. The man then gets hit in the face by something. Then his arm gets cut off by . . . something. And he is then presumed dead. Later we meet DALE and his wife, who keeps shouting his name. DALE goes on ahead and DALE’s wife keeps calling for him. We then see DALE getting choked by his Camera strap, before we see DALE’s corpse dashed at the bottom of a cliff. We then see DALE’s wife dragged off screen bleeding.

Our main characters continue splashing around in the water, completely oblivious to DALE’s corpse being about 20 feet away. We then meet DICK and his romantic partner, who keeps shouting his name. DICK is trying to get things going in his VW van, but his lady of the evening sees something outside and before DICK can get anything going, he has to go settle whatever is going on out there. DICK goes out into the woods with his gun and DICK’s lady stays in the can. DICK next shows up bleeding heavily has he is thrown against the van window. Then something shoves the van, DICK, and DICK’s lady over a cliff. More people get killed as the movie goes along by getting impaled on an easel, killed with a falling bear trap, and even decapitated after while just sitting in a wheel chair.

At about halfway through the film, the killer finally gets around to the main characters and is revealed to be some crazy mountain man with a weird string noose looking thing tied across his face. He kills Craig, and the others all run for their life. Peter finds a stick and ends up killing another camper because he mistakes him for the mountain man. Peter and Ingrid manage to make it back to town but have left Joanne to die. Joanne finds the mountain man’s cabin and then the mountain man comes home and cuts her a dozen times with his machete before she finally dies.

Peter tells the police and sheriff about the murders and they are setting up a man hunt. Peter can’t wait and decides to go back into the woods to find Joanne. After the police find the mountain man’s cabin and Joanne’s body, they bring Ingrid into the woods. . .because. She then gets separated from the police and finds Peter. Peter then finds the mountain man and HURLS A SPEAR INTO HIM?!? What the hell, Peter? Did you learn Javelin throwing in colle- oh right, that is a thing. Anywho, Ingrid and Peter then spend some decent time stabbing the mountain man with a stick and the mountain man’s machete. The police show up after they have finished killing the mountain man, and everything comes to a neat conclusion.

This film was shot on mostly shaky cam, it was difficult to see what was happening a lot of the time because it was just crappy video quality. The audio was almost all dubbed over, and the version we watched apparently was missing the soundtrack. Though according to Cinema Snob, the soundtrack does not improve things, and at times, covers up the actual dialogue.

So yeah, bad movie all around.

Tomorrow: so why shouldn’t we go into the woods? Because they’re EVIL!

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: The Legend of Hallowaiian

So, I was wondering what to do this year after my spectacular failure last year. I wasn’t even sure I was going to do anything this year.

Then as I was sitting in my pod at work, a trailer popped up that had been playing for weeks about this Pineapple Headed monster running around in an animated film. This movie looked horrible and the only reason to watch it would be to mock it. That’s when I came up with the idea for watching all the worst movies.

So yes, this is the movie that inspired me to watch a whole bunch of bad movies this year. So how bad would it suck if the movie actually turned out to be GOOD!

Don’t worry, that did NOT happen.

So to get the basics out of the way, the animation is horrible. Just plain bad. This movie looks like the animatics of other good movies. Other film studios would pay millions more to get the water to look like water, the smoke to behave like smoke, and have the characters eyes looking in the same direction more consistently. But the producer decided, “Eh, close enough, ship it out.”

So this movie revolves around three kids in Hawaii who find a secret cave, with a secret chest, with a secret D&D miniature figurine inside. Despite the warnings of his friends, Kai opens the chest and finds the miniature. Then a really low quality N64 cave-in happens. Despite Kai and his friend Leilani leaving their friend Eddie to die, he somehow survives.

His friends then lie to his grandfather about opening the chest and then his grandfather tells them the tale of Pineapple Head and how Maui and the Islanders from Moana defeated him.

Meanwhile, we learn that Kai’s mother worked for Nasa and gave Kai a moon rock. Kai lets Eddie wear it with his astronaut Hallowee- I mean Hallowaiian costume as an apology for leaving him to die. Yeah, that’s a thing in this film. Whenever someone calls the holiday Halloween, they get harshly corrected that it is Hallowaiian.

As they go out trick or treating, they are given King Hawaiian rolls by the first house they come to. This just strikes me as the movie thinking this is what Hawaii is like after watching Moana and eating King’s Hawaiian bread. So Pineapple Head is following the kids and despite Eddie seeing Pineapple Head and registering him as a threat, he just casually walks away as Pineapple Head takes a swipe at him. Then when Pineapple Head grows even larger and attacks the children, he corners eddie and makes a slow swipe at Eddie which he slowly dodges, then another swipe, which he again dodges. Eddie the decides to run and Pineapple Head starts destroying things. Kai decides to abandon his friends to die and runs off in a different direction. Eddie and Leilana manage to escape Pineapple Head with the help of tiny neon colored hamsters.

These Hamsters apparently can build anything, including helicopters, ziplines, and even a giant pretend pineapple head. They apparently can also summon Kai from another dimension where they apparently hid him for safekeeping after rescuing him from Pineapple Head earlier.

Kai and his friends decide to take the moon rock that Pineapple Head is chasing them for up to mount doom and toss it into the lava to destroy it. Eddie manages to get to the lip of the volcano(after being flown in a whirley-bird made out of bamboo and coconuts) and instead of throwing it into the volcano, he just stands there until Pineapple Head walks up, takes it from him, and walks away.

Kai and his friends then summon the Lava Goddess in order to help stop Pineapple Head. The Lava Goddess tells Kai that the moon is what gives Pineapple head his power and they must cut off the moon to defeat him.

Sounds to me like the exact opposite message from Avatar: The last Airbender.

The Lava Goddess also tells Kai to summon ancient warriors from a nearby graveyard to stop Pineapple head. While he is doing that, Eddie and Leluna go into a head on assault on Pineapple head with the Whirleybird. They get swatted out of the sky.

Kai then shows up with an army of ripped blue meanies. They do absolutely nothing, but Kai gets close enough to pumpkin head to steal the moon rock back, the lava goddess blocks out the moon, and then sharks come and chow down on pineapple head until he is back to figurine size. After we assume Kai has died for a second, a couple of sharks bring Kai back to shore. You know, instead of eating him. They seriously push him right up to the beach, then just reverse back into the water.

So Kai shirks is responsibility as new guardian of pineapple head’s chest and gives it to the blue meanies to watch over. Then the credits roll.

This movie is just ridiculously bad in animation, story, voice acting, and focusing on what they need to focus on. Leluno asks the hamsters when she is on the whirley bird whether they included parachutes and the joke was that they made tiny ones for the hamsters. However they never angle the “camera” at the tiny parachute, they just have the hamster barely pull one into frame and Lonulo just suddenly look at it in her hand. But instead of looking at her hand, we see her face looking at her hand. There was also a scene of Pineapple Head chasing A fake Kai made by the Hamsters, but we don’t notice it is a fake Kai until we get a birds eye wide shot of Pineapple head knocking the fake kai over instead of getting a shot of Pineapple Head thinking he caught Kai, then cutting to the fake kai and then Pineapple Head realizing he’s been duped. It is just badly done.

Ultimately, this is the laughably bad movie I wanted, so I guess Success?

What am I winning here?

Tomorrow: With all the evil vegetation larely, maybe it’s best we stay out of the Woods. . .

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Birdemic 2: The Resurrection

So. . . they can’t POSSIBLY screw up a movie twice, right? Obviously at this point, everyone is in on the joke so this will just be a full on spoof of the first one, right?

Well, some people are in on the bit, but not the ones in creative control. So yeah, it is roughly just as bad as the first one.

There is better camera equipment, which you can see in various scenes in the movie by the reflective surfaces and at the edges of several shots. However despite all the boom mics you see throughout the film, the audio has not improved.

So we are introduced to our lead. . . producer man, I don’t care about learning his name. He spends the 3-5 minutes of the opening credits walking to The Happy Ending bar and grill. There he meets his blonde romantic interest of the film who is an actress working as a waitress. She walks him through a completely empty restaurant, that somehow still has background noise of people having conversations. Then, stealing a scene(movie) from the first movie, the producer calls her a beautiful actress and says she should audition for his movie. Then, Rod and Natalie show up(AAAAHHHHH RUN FOR THE HILLS!) and then the producer says Natalie should also audition for his movie. And Rod offers to invest a million dollars. Guess the solar panel business is doing well.

Then we go through various scenes of the producer wining and dining his blonde love interest. Then they run into Rod and Natalie again. Natalie got stuck with a supporting role and clearly does not care for the new blonde. Anywho, while they are walking on a beach, a nearby swimmer is attacked by a Giant Jumbo Jellyfish. And it is the most ridiculous CGI you have EVER SEEN! And this is from the film franchise that has instagram filter birds! So they call for the stop motion ambulance to come pick up the swimmer and then go about their day.

And the jellyfish is never mentioned again.

So then they go to a museum of natural history with the boy from the first movie, who apparently Rod adopted, and spend a long time looking at Ancient Birds. The boy then talks about how the girl from the first movie died from the fish that Rod cooked. And that’s why she doesn’t make the same cameo appearance.

Then the producer takes his blonde back to the hotel and they start to make out in their underwear. Underneath a boom mic. With a crew member CLEARLY shown in the mirror watching them.

So the next day, everyone is on the film set when red rain falls down(cue Peter Gabriel) and it resurrects ZOMBIE ANCIENT BIRDS! And even cave people!

So the zombie birds attack the film set and everyone goes straight for the hangers! On top of that, they’ve included round house kicks and flailing punches to the arsenal of anti bird attacks. Then we cut to a slasher film set where a bunch of topless women are standing around in a locker room. Which really undercuts the producer’s earlier message of wanting to make a movie without just a bunch of boobs, blood, and pointless action scenes. You know, just like the first movie was all about the environment, but still had the main character driving a mustang and a van throughout the whole movie.

At one point, the screenwriter that is with them interrupts their conversation about the bird crisis they are facing to talk about how his favorite movie is Jaws and that these events are giving him an idea to write a script about birds attacking Hollywood. . . . Because priorities.

The group then goes all around hollywood trying to “save people” and failing miserably. They even come across a theater full of people that are being attacked by birds, and decide to just leave them all to die. They do try and stop and help zombies, who attack and kill one of their party, then try and stop and help Zombie Cavemen, which would have killed one of their party if not for Natalie going into berserker rage with a tripod!

Eventually they make it back to the hotel where the birds make their final attack while everyone is drinking A&W root beer. . .or Coke and Sprite, depends on which shot you go with. After the birds finally kill the screenwriter and prevent an in-universe birdemic film from being made, the birds decide to fly away. For no reason. The end.

If you thought Birdemic Shock and Terror was hilariously insane and you feel like watching it a second time, then Birdemic 2: The Resurrection is that film. It is like that episode of friends where joey intended to rent Die Hard and Die Hard 2, but ended up accidently renting die hard twice.

Tomorrow: This is it. The movie that inspired this whole event is coming up tomorrow!🍍🎃

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Lumber VS Jack

The sequel was better. Monsters in this are mostly leaves and vines that decapitate people.

This is the movie that starts the Jack series. Jack is apparently married to Jill, or he was as they keep having to correct to “my EX wife.” Jill suddenly disappeared, and Jack is called in to help find her. He left the company that genetically modified the trees because. . .

So he goes out and finds that the trees are apparently have been spliced with spider dna. That way the trees grow much faster because SCIENCE! Apparently this doesn’t allow the trees to naturally spread though. They irradiate the trees to correct that problem, which results in the trees getting murdery with their leaves and vines. Jack eventually ends up rescuing Jill and together they burn down the forest of evil mutant trees. However in the process their boss(or former boss in Jack’s case) is killed by the giant tree spider thing.

This movie is kind of a let down after watching Jack VS Lanterns. The absolute insanity of the pumpkins trying to take over the world, the giant pumpkin, the pumpkin bomb, the clones, the ninja assassins, and everything else just made it glorious to behold. This had its ridiculous moments, like the jeep that gets swallowed by the earth is just a stop motion model. But all in all, I want my crappy movies to be batshit insane rather than just low quality.

Tomorrow: This movie has a slight environmental message to it. Wonder if this next movie does. . .

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Alternate titles: Inner Monologue: The Movie. Dull Surprise: The Movie.

This movie was originally created in 1972, didn’t get a print made until 1977, and then did not get released until 2010. So somebody tried their best to bury this without going full on Atari ET, but somebody yanked this from the fire and released it on DVD.

This is why it is totally believable that people will hear a murderer in their house, and despite all the warnings, will walk right up to them. Or you know, not run away from a murderous bed.

So this movie starts with a minute or two of just hearing someone eat an apple. To set the mood. We are then introduced to the bed and a painting of the bed. The bed apparently is possessed by a demon. The painting of the bed is apparently possessed by one of the bed’s victims who he allowed to stay in the painting because he drew such a nice painting of the bed. I guess.

The painting generally talks about the bed and at time mocks it. So a young couple come to the house that the bed is near, so to prevent the couple from going in the house, the bed locks the doors. The couple then goes to the cellar that the bed is in and decide to have sex on the bed. The bed then eats the couple. Now, instead of doing something cool like sucking them into the bed in a geyser of blood, such as Johnny Depp’s death Nightmare on Elm street, or spouting teeth and chomping down, it apparently is a water bed and they just sink down and dissolve in yellow water and foam.

So the bed resents that he didn’t move into the city and ends up having a fantasy about being a bed in the big city. The Daily Bugle then takes a break between calling Spider-man a menace to comment on all the thousands of people who mysteriously go missing. The bed then goes on a temper tantrum and starts putting cracks in the house walls. The painting mocks him and points out he could just destroy the house altogether. One cut later and the house apparently no longer exists, the only part left being the detached cellar with the bed.

Because. . .?

Anywho, the next three idiots show up trying to find the missing house and decide to stay the night in the cellar. One of the girls, Sharon, apparently causes the bed great pain. The painting starts thinking about all the various victims in the past and we get a pretty hilarious sequence of people randomly being killed in the bed. Most of them just lying in bed reading or playing cards and then suddenly go “oh no, the bed is eating me. . .this sucks.” One set of gangsters actually decide to pull their guns and shoot into the mattress. Well, I say shoot, they just shake their guns, and their are gunshot sounds, but no trigger pulling or indication that the guns are doing anything.

The painting then remembers the victim that created the death bed. Apparently a demon lived in a tree(Death Tree?) then decided to become the breeze(. . .Death Breeze?), and because he found a woman he fancied he created a bed and then became human to seduce the young lass. Apparently her body was not ready and she died. The demon was sad and ended up crying bloody tears onto the bed and Death Bed was born!

Apparently the reason Sharon caused the bed pain was because her eyes looked similar to the woman the demon fell in love with. Having worked this out, the bed is now over it and can kill her now.

One of the girls decides to sleep while the other two girls search for the missing house. While she is changing into her nightgown, the bed makes bubbling moaning sounds. Then it eats her. Her friends spend about 2 minutes wondering where she went and then don’t care.

The bed then starts to eat Sharon’s other friend, but she manages to get off the bed and spends a solid 3 minutes dragging herself to the door, up the stairs and just before she gets outside, the bed whips out one of its bed curtains, grabs her and drags her back into bed. Sharon arrives just in time to get blood on her hands and show no emotion over her friend dying.

Sharon’s brother(literally his name in the credits) shows up, tries to stan the bed, and gets his hands dissolved to the bone. Again, he shows no emotion to losing his hands.

And then, the ending. . . buckle up.

The demon who lives in the tree apparently falls asleep and the bed loses its powers. The painting is now able to talk to Sharon, and he tells Sharon how to perform a ritual to destroy the bed. The painting lied to Sharon and the ritual teleports the bed outside and sacrifices Sharon to summon the demons woman back to life. She then has sex with Sharon’s handless brother and the bed suddenly catches on fire(🎶This Bed is On Fire, with Passionate Love🎶) and the movie comes to an end.

This movie spends a lot of time with inner monologues explaining everything, but because everyone is so dull and monotonous, you probably lose track of what is going on, and everything is so stupidly complex. There are a bunch of hilarious scenes but a youtube clip show will give you most of them. Sadly there is no overacting to save this film.

Tomorrow: Sadly, this movie denied us Death Tree, but by damn we will HAVE OUR MURDEROUS PLANTS!

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: The Dungeonmaster Or RageWar: The Challenges of Excalibrate!

So yeah, this movie is very absent of dungeons, masters, and even RageWars. It’s PG-13 rating is even a lie considering we get full frontal nudity before we even get the title card!

It follows IT Specialist Paul who apparently has the first prototype of Google Glass, which allows him to instantly discover any computer problems, control traffic lights, and hack ATM’s, but can it tell him why kids love cinnamon toast crunch? Probably, seeing as it also creates charts showing that his relationship with his girlfriend, Gwen, will succeed.

After discussing this with his computer, he does one of the most clumsy proposals ever. Their relationship would probably fall apart if not for the interference of the Devil!

Yeah, Paul wakes up from a weird dream to find his girlfriend has been magically abducted. Just before he is magically abducted. The devil then calls him a worthy opponent and sets a list of challenges before him. The devil then gives Paul the power gauntlet(It’s So Bad) which apparently has god mode turned on before transporting Paul to various levels. Depending on what copy you are watching, the sequence of the trials are a little different. Each challenge is written and directed by different directors and writers. Pretty much all of them introduce a simple enemy, and paul defeats them with his laser gauntlet. Paul first is transported to a frozen room full of criminals and murderers(and Albert Einstein, so somebody is holding him accountable for the manhattan project). He is then transported to the realm of the dead, where we get the line “I reject your reality and substitute my own!” (What? No, Mythbusters. What the hell is Dungeonmaster?) The Devil then summons Paul back, so they can talk. You know, just about stuff. Paul gets pissy so the devil gets pissy and tries to have a rock off. Paul cheats by using his ipod, so the Devil casts him into a satanic version of Guitar Hero. So Guitar Hero 2. Paul again uses his gauntlet to blow up the band members, before then being sent to a weird hillside where his POWER GUANTLET IS STOLEN! Before the thieves just set it down, and Paul recovers it in time to defeat a giant stone monkey.

Paul then uses his guantlet to kill Torok the troll, who was actually an angel in disguise. He then gets transported into a level where a serial killer is going to get Gwen and he is arrested and accused of murder. He escapes, then stops the serial killer from killing Gwen. Paul and Gwen are then teleported to Mad Max world and they have to defeat master blaster. Gwen finally gets to shoot something this time. Now it is the final showdown between The Devil and Paul. Hand to hand combat! Paul kicks his ass and throwsthe Devil into a volcano, however just before Paul falls in himself, the power gauntlet extends a bar of light to him so he can pull himself to safety and everyone goes home safely. And now Gwen wants to marry him.

Yeah, this movie is a repetitive mess and all the challenges are made boring because Paul essentially just types code into his gauntlet and then boom, everything is okay. Rinse and repeat 7 times. Although it is stupid, I think it’s a movie every nerd/geek should see at least once.

Tomorrow: I dunno, insert some pun about eating in bed here.