THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Troll

So I went into this expecting a stupid horror movie that wouldn’t be AS bad as Troll 2 but still bad. Sadly I was disappointed.

This movie turned out to be pretty decent. It’s not really a horror movie, but more of a fantasy film in the same genre as Labyrinth and Neverending Story. Obviously without the same level of effects, but still not terrible.

Harry Potter and his family move into their new apartment and one the first day his daughter gets kidnapped by a troll in the Dungeon- er I mean Laundry room. The troll then uses his magic ring to transform into the little girl and proceed to act very strangely.

We then meet the other apartment dwellers after the troll sets off the fire alarm during one of his fits. We meet Sonny Bono, Cannon Fodder, Ellen from Seinfeld, her spongeworthy of the movie, and the witch that lives upstairs.

The little girl starts going from apartment to apartment, turning the residents into fairies and slowly turning the apartments into pocket fairy dimensions. Keep in mind that when I say fairies, I mean fairy folk which include all manner of fantasy creatures, including trolls.

While this is going on, Harry Potter, Jr., played by Atreyu from Neverending story, is drawn to the Witch who lives upstairs because he is the only one who realizes something is SERIOUSLY wrong with his sister. The Witch bonds with Harry Potter Jr and tells him that the apartment building is slowly being turned into a fairyland by her ex-boyfriend Torok. Torok started a war between fairies and humans and after the humans won, he was forever turned into a troll. She then gives him a spear, forgetting to also give him the golden helmet, and tells him to wait for something giant to show up.

She then decides to go young-face and take another spear to fight Torok. She ends up losing and gets turned into a tree stump. Harry Potter, Jr finds his sister, but gets the spear taken by Torok because he set it down while helping his sister wake up. The giant monster that is the center of Torok’s fairy world then tries to kill Harry Potter Jr and his sister. Because Torok needed the little girl alive he ends up using the golden spear to kill the giant monster and destroying all his plans.

The Harry Potter family decide to leave the apartment and when one of the responding officers decides to investigate, he ends up getting kidnapped by the troll.

One thing that kept getting me in this movie was that a weird thing would happen, I would see it as something to mock, then it would end up making sense. One example is the fact that the witch looks like an old woman, but when she decides to go after torok herself, she changes to look significantly younger. For seeming no reason. But then thinking about it, of course if she was just waiting around for Torok to make his move, she would not want to look young and ravishing, because that would invite too much attention, whereas everyone tends to avoid the old lady.

Honestly, I think this is a pretty good movie all things considered. You just have to forgive some silly effects and not compare it to the much higher budgeted movies that I compared it to that were made around the same time.

Tomorrow: A poster that appears in this movie gave me the idea for the next movie. Perhaps you’d know it under the title Ragewar: The Challenges of Excalibrate? (Dude, I don’t know what to tell you, I’ve never heard of this movie!)

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Cannibal! The Musical

So this earns its spot for budgetary reasons along with the silly subject matter.

This film was Created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone while they were still in college. It started as a 3 minute mock trailer before they were pressured into making it a full film by everyone who watched it.

Although it is clearly low budget, the writing and dialogue that would later make South Park one of the most popular shows on cable is clearly present.

It is loosely based on the true story of Alfred Packer who ended up resorting to cannibalism when he and his party were trapped in the Rocky Mountains while traveling from Utah to Colorado.

It is told in flashback as Packer is telling his story to a reporter while he stands trial for the murder and cannibalization of his fellow travelers.

Packer is a miner who gets roped into leading a group of other miners from Utah to Colorado to stake a claim for gold, because he apparently worked in Colorado at one time and they think he might know how to get back there.

Packer woefully underestimates the time it will take to travel there and despite the warnings given to him by a group of asians pretending to be indians(yeah. . . cultural sensitivity needs to take a back seat on this one), he leads them into the mountains during winter to try and find his lost horse.

Oh right, Packer loves his horse. He has about two love songs about his horse. One morning his horse disappears and is believed to have been stolen by trappers.

While they are lost in the mountains, they run into an ex confederate soldier with an empty eye socket that spews puss, routinely get into arguments about food and directions, and one of them sings a happy song about building a snowman, long before Disney got their shot.

After he tries to sing the snowman song a second time, one of the other travelers(Bell) shoots him dead. Probably because somebody bought his child a recorder and the frozen song book. The party then decides to eat the dead guy in order to survive.

Packer then has a dream where he is in a dance off with one of the trappers that stole his horse. Complete with leotards and a cheap black curtain in the background.

Packer wakes up and decides to scout ahead. When he comes back, Bell has killed the rest of the party and is getting wood together so they can have enough meat to survive til summer. When Bell starts getting paranoid about Packer, Packer stabs him in the face with a meat cleaver. When Bell jumps up again, Packer shoots him with a gun. When Bell jumps up again, Packer stabs him in the eye with a stick. When Bell jumps up again, Packer throws various items at him before stabbing him in the chest with a pick axe.

Packer then survives on the corpses of his traveling companions until he finally makes it out of the Rocky mountains. He lies and says he and his party got separated until the local sheriff goes out with a search party to discover that everyone else was dead and eaten.

Packer is tried and sentenced to hang. At the last minute the governor pardons him because colorado was not a state at the time and Packers actions fall under the jurisdiction of the asian indians. The trapper tries to hang him anyway, but the indian chief arrives and uses his katana to cut the rope and then cuts off the trappers head. The reporter and Packer start to talk about living happily ever after when Bell jumps up again and the credits roll.

All in all, a good movie. Which is not what we’re going for on this list.

Tomorrow: With all this talk of eating people, now would be a great time to watch Troll 2, but I already used that one. However. . .

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical

I’m cheating on this one. I had absolutely no doubt that I would enjoy this movie and the production values and cast are all on the up and up. It has Alan Cumming in it. Quality guaranteed.

Yes, there is stilted acting in this, but it is intentional. The main reason I can justify this being on the list is the ridiculous subject matter.

For those of you who are unaware, Reefer Madness was a 1938 film designed to scare people away from marijuana use by making it seem like one use will drive young men to insanity and turn young women into coked out prostitutes.

They attribute hyperactivity, mania, and violent mood swings to marijuana, which is more applicable to just about any other drug EXCEPT marijuana.

So the basic story is Alan Cumming is trying to warn about the dangers of marijuana by showing the story of Jimmy Harper. Jimmy Harper starts out as the gosh golly pride of his high school. He and Kristin Bell are gushing about Romeo AND Juliet, and how they hope Romeo and Juliet get married and have babies at the end (they never actually manage to finish the play).

Jimmy gets tricked into smoking “the stuff” and immediately spirals into a life of debauchery. Most of it just sitting next to John Kassir scream laughing while smoking multiple joints at once(okay I guess they get it part right).

Eventually Jimmy kills a guy while driving high and is about to go on the lamb, when he discovers pot brownies and goes right back to the pot house. Kristin Bell follows him to the Pot house, takes one hit of “the stuff” and become a BDSM dominatrix. Jimmy sees Kristin Bell having sex with John Kassir and starts beating up John Kassir. Kristin Bell snaps out of her whatever just in time to get accidentally shot to death while Jimmy is knocked unconscious struggling with the drug dealer for the gun.

Jimmy is woken up and convinced he pulled the trigger, and is arrested and sentenced to death for murder.

John Kassir goes crazy and gets the munchies so bad he kills one of the girls at the pot house and starts eating her arm and cuts off her head. He is later impaled on a pole.

After the last remaining woman at the pot house murders the drug dealer, she tracks down Franklin D. Roosevelt while covered in blood and convinces him to pardon Jimmy. Jimmy then decides to spend his days convincing everyone drugs are bad m’kay!

This movie is honestly fantastic in its absurdity and I recommend everyone go watch it right now. Available on Amazon Prime!

Tomorrow: Speaking of Musicals about Cannibals. . .

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Orgy of the Dead

. . . Yeah, it’s porn.

Admittedly the title is misleading in that it is not an actual orgy. It is more of a burlesque or strip club of the dead because there is no sex.

The basic story, for lack of a better word, is about writer is taking his girlfriend to a cemetery so he can get inspiration for his writing. He ends up driving off a cliff. I think. The couple wakes up and discovers they are at a cemetery. The . . .Lord of the Dead? Is entertaining himself by having the dancers dance for him, and if they displease him, they will be banished to damnation. They watch from the bushes for a while, until the wolfman and mummy catch them and tie them up for sacrifice or something.

We see various dances from different cultures and styles, all with the most cultural insensitivity possible. Until we get to the bride who killed her husband on their wedding night. Then we get the most HILARIOUS “white people” dancing. It is just all the stupidest 60’s dances. We also get a cat dance which is a halloween cat costume with the chest and butt area cut out. Which is weird.

Just as the Ghoul Lady(the woman who acts as the Lord of the Dead’s assistant) is about to kill the writer’s girlfriend the mid day sun suddenly comes up and all the monsters turn to skeletons. And then the couple wake up back at the crash site, suggesting it was all a dream they shared.

Yeah, the plot is stupid(one reviewer pointed out it is essentially the same plot as Cats). The acting is GOD AWFUL. Outside of watching the Amazing Criswell again, there’s not a lot to get out of this movie.

Tomorrow: We’ll be watching a classic movie of fearmongering, Reefer Madnes!

Hang on, the paper is folded over. . .(unfolds the other half of the paper)

REEFER MADNESS, THE- WHAT?!?

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: 3 Wicked Witches

Well, 2 wicked witches and one accessory witch.

This is what you get when you mix a trashy romance novel with a goosebumps book and film it over the weekend.

A woman finds out that her daughter who died a year ago from an “accident” during a hazing prank gone wrong, actually died from running away from a bunch of frat guys looking to rape her. Apparently somebody recorded the whole thing and decided to post it a year after the fact. Mind you, we never see the video, we just hear the audio of several actors speaking lines, in which clearly none of them are in the same room at the time.

She brings this evidence to her college friends she used to do witchcraft with and they decide to summon a revenge demon, implant it in a clown doll, and have him kill the frat boys.

The clown doll goes on his murder quest and the witches watch his progress by using their pool as a viewing window. Which pretty much just looks like it is being projected from the roof.

So apparently the demon clown, like the witches, is a horny bastard because he spends about 10-15 minutes watching all the frat boys work out, swim, shower, and sleep before stabbing them in the dick and killing them. By the way, these frat guys do all of this in the same pair of tight white boxer briefs. I’m really starting to wonder if this movie is just a long advertisement for this particular pair of male underwear.

So while the clown doll is killing the frat boys, the witches all get intense feelings from the killings. Two of the witches get orgasms, and the other (goodish witch) gets a sick painful feeling. The main witch goes inside and finds the goodish witch’s son and finds out he is a virgin. So she intends to sacrifice him (after acting like she wants to deflower him). She strips him down to his boxers, to find out HE IS ALSO ONE OF THE TIGHTY WHITEY FRAT BOYS! (WHAT A TWIST!)

Nah, just kidding, just the same boxer briefs again.

Anywho, the goodish witch discovers the attempted sacrifice, the witch whose daughter died offers herself as sacrifice instead, and then the clown doll kills the head witch. Then when all things are said and done, the clown doll pops up for one final kill before the credits roll.

The effects are laughably basic. There is only one instance of blood and that is the final frat kill. Hell, you can see the tiny fake knife that the clown uses bend as it hits the skin. And this isn’t Chucky who has a full sized kitchen knife, this is a tiny doll knife the clown is using.

If you want to watch an extended male underwear ad, go for it, but otherwise skip it.

In fact, any movies by Rapid Heart Productions should best be avoided.

Tomorrow: I think it’s about time to see another Ed Wood movie on this list. This one I hear is one of the worst of his films, if not the worst.

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Jack VS Lanterns

Wow. There is a LOT to unpack here.

For starters, this is a sequel to a 2014 film called Lumber VS Jack. And apparently it is somewhat important to see that movie first. Apparently in that movie, Jack combats mutant trees. This time it is mutant pumpkins.

So the movie starts with a guy using a hoe(the garden tool) on a genetically modified pumpkin patch and accidentally cuts his toes off. He ends up dripping blood on the pumpkins and then one latches onto his head, turning him into a guy with a pumpkin mask on. He then tries to put the pumpkin on a scarecrow. Doesn’t work. He later finds the only black guy in the entire movie and puts the pumpkin on him.

Meanwhile, the golddigger wife of the owner of the evil corporation from the first movies finds out that because her husband hated her in the end, she was written out of his will. Fortunately, this can be solved by pretending he didn’t die in the last film and they simply clone him so he can write a new will, appear in public to dispel the “he died” rumors, and publicly murder him again.

Following along so far?

People are slowly getting attacked by and turned into pumpkin monsters, but it is happening so sporadically that no one believes it is happening and still continue to attend the town’s pumpkin festival.

At the pumpkin festival, the golddigger wife parades around the clone(who has the mind of 13 year old) and hires a guy to kill the clone in a mass shooting. Jack happens to be at the festival when the guy with an assault rifle(again, get off me!) and wearing a Ninja outfit, opens fire. Jack uses a throwing axe that, using the most advanced forms of free editing software, flies across the screen and kills the would-be assassin.

So the golddigger decides to axe the clone herself and plant Cloned hair samples of Jack’s hair at the “scene” to frame him for murder. So the sheriff places Jack under house arrest with an ankle bracelet that apparently repeatedly shocks him if he ventures away from the premesis.

Well, mutant pumpkin people start attacking en masse so he braves the electric shocks and starts Smashing Pumpkins. With an axe.

It gets to the point where Jack, his sister Jill, and 2 random women that are connected to him somehow are battling a Giant Mutant Pumpkin Person who can shoot lasers from his hands while simultaneously trying to disarm a bomb that will turn everyone in the world into mutant pumpkins.

YEAH. THAT HAPPENED.

So they manage to rig the bomb to disperse the special herbicide that specifically targets mutant pumpkins, turning everyone that were only orange faced back to normal, but due to the ones with pumpkins on their heads are dead because reasons. Except for the one black guy, because joke about him being brainless. Yeah. . .

Anywho, so this movie is riDICULOUSLY low budget. It pretty much banks on us laughing at the cheapness and absurdity of everything. Honestly though, this time it works. It is just over the top enough that it kind of works for it. However, I think it leans into it a little too much for it to go anywhere.

Tomorrow: So we’ve had zombies, mutant pumpkins, Werewolves(Vampires), Trolls(goblins), Vampires(Psychosis), and aliens on this list so far, but I think it’s time to introduce a few Wicked Witches.

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: The Terror of Tiny Town

I. . . I really gotta vet these movies a little more before adding them to the list.

Terror of Tiny Town is a western. It mainly revolves around a cattle rustler trying to turn two ranchers against each other by making them each think the other rancher is stealing the cattle. The Hero(that is what he is credited as) discovers his plot and eventually gets into a fist fight with the Villain before leaving him to die in a house that has lit dynamite in it.

That’s all there really is to it.

Oh, right, and it is performed by an all little person cast.

Yeah, they all ride shetland ponies and routinely have gags revolving around little people interacting with normal sized fixtures. Which is honestly weird. This is a town, presumably, made by and for little people, so why would they have buildings and fixtures that are designed for taller people. One joke is routinely showing a little person walking UNDER the batwing saloon doors. Get it? Because they’re SHORT!

Also, I’m not 100%, but I’m pretty sure that they messed with the audio so that all the voices sound higher pitched. I might have gotten too used to Peter Dinklage, but I just don’t think the average little person sounds like they are sucking helium.

The biggest problem with this movie is that it is BORING! The short jokes are what this movie is banking on and they aren’t that funny, just eye rolling.

Tomorrow: Okay, enough is enough. We have spent far too much time on movies with budgets, plots, and absolutely nothing to do with Halloween or Horror. We need a return to form! (Checks Amazon Prime recommendations)

Oh. . . This will do. . .

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Private House of the SS or SS Girls

So. . . I might have misjudged this movie a little bit. I first heard of this film while watching the Spoony Experiment’s review of Strike Commando. He mentions Private House of the SS as one of Bruno Mettai’s earliest and better work. The movie clips he showed had a very gothic appearance and just absurd dialogue. So when I started coming up with a list of movies for this seemed like a fantastic fit. I found it on YouTube and figured that this would be just a weird entry.

Weird entry is right, but this doesn’t really have the gothic horror themes I originally assumed. There is a creepy scene in the middle of the film that seems like we’re entering horror mode, but it is just a one off and the movie continues as normal.

So yeah, the movie is about a Nazi officer who is tasked with sniffing out traitors and executing them. So he decides to open a brothel that caters exclusively to high ranking Nazi officers. He then uses the women to discover who is plotting against Hitler and executes them. Then a Nazi Officer who started using brutal and bloody tactics against innocent civilians in some battle of the war is to be put down. So they set up a spooky scenario and he ends up being killed by one of his own soldiers. After one of the women is slighted by the Officer running the brothel, she tells Nazi high command that he is boasting about being the new Furor. So they tell him they are shutting him down and he has to kill himself. Then Hitler dies and everyone kills themselves.

Oh and there are a whole ton of really odd sex scenes scattered throughout.

Worst part is none of the sex scenes are really skippable. I mean they are, but in attempting to do so you will likely miss some of the more hilarious and odd moments.

My advice is if you want to watch a really odd film, check this out, but I would say lock the door and have a safe window available to click away to. Because if someone walks in on you watching this, there is absolutely NO WAY to quickly explain away why you have what appear to be Nazi Porn on your screen. You just have to tip the Dominos driver extra and never order from that store again.

I swear I’m slowly getting myself placed on a list somewhere. . .

Tomorrow: Well, I think I diverted a little in this Halloween/Horror movies list. I should be safe with this next one though. It has Terror right in the title!

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Dark Dungeons

So, little backstory on this one. This movie is an adaptation of Jack Chick’s comic of the same name. Jack Chick is famous for publishing evangelical comics called Chick Tracts which preach against the evils of Islam, Catholicism, and D&D.

This movie takes place in a world where RPG players are the most popular kids in school and their magic spells actually work. Takes geek fantasy to a whole new level.

This movie is actually well done. The ridiculousness actually revolves around the subject matter. It is actually a faithful adaptation of the source material, which due to the insanity of the source material, makes it ridiculous. Hell, the rpg players get tricked into summoning Cthulhu. Then, after the main character’s friend commits suicide because her character died, so she prays to Jesus and God ends up casting out Cthulhu and blowing up the evil castle of evil with a lightning bolt. Then they burn a bunch of books.

I honestly recommend this one because it is really well done and fun watch.

Tomorrow: Well, I’ve run out of movies that subtly tie into each other, let’s draw from the hat again. . .

(Shuffling paper)

And we got. . . Private House of the SS.

Oh shi-

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Vampire’s Kiss

This movie is weird.

I was really hoping to just start posting, “Nicholas Cage, you so cRaZy!” But it goes back and forth between Nicholas Cage being hilariously insane and his insanity not being funny.

Nicholas Cage spends the whole movie in full on insanity mode, while at the same time acting like Ross from Friends, 6 years before the show premiered. So. . . That means David Shcwimmer ripped off Vampire’s kiss?

Nicholas Cage plays a literary agent who is a typical new york playboy and he brings home a woman who supposedly is a vampire and she bites him. He slowly starts to lose his mind. He yells at his assistant for not finding a misfiled contract and even goes so far as chasing her into the women’s restroom.

He keeps going to a psychiatrist throughout the movie and she apparently does not realize he is going insane.

As he loses his grip on reality more and more, he is no longer able to see himself in the mirror and believes sunlight is burning him. We clearly see him in the mirror though. He then rapes his assistant and after shooting himself in the mouth with a gun loaded with blanks(don’t do that kids, you WILL burn the inside of your mouth) he starts running down the street screaming, “I’M A VAMPIRE.” He then buys a pair of cheap vampire fangs, goes to a nightclub and ends up killing a woman by biting her on the neck. He then starts wandering around New York, covered in blood, trying to convince someone to stake him in the chest with a broken plank of wood.

Then he slips into a hallucination where he is cleaned up but still carrying a plank of wood and is telling off his psychiatrist. His mental psychiatrist then hooks him up with another patient, and when he confesses to the rape and murder, she waves it off as no big deal. He then escorts his new imaginary girlfriend to his home, where he then flips out on her and calls her a bitch because she is still hung up on this vampire thing. Then the brother of the woman he raped shows up and helps Nicholas Cage stab himself in the chest with the plank of wood.

So yeah, there was no vampire in the film, just a man slowly slipping into madness. This movie sort of depends on the madness of Nicholas Cage to carry it along, but because it doesn’t really explain anything and just sort of jumps from scene to scene, it just becomes weird and confusing. It is nice to see where a lot of the memes come from, such as the “ya don’t say” face, but because the movie ends leaving you with a sort of sick feeling, it is difficult to just write it off as wacky.

Tomorrow: Since we have a movie where one person loses grip with reality, lets go with a movie where the writers, directors, characters, and original content creator have all lost grip with Reality.