Birdemic 2: The Resurrection

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Birdemic 2: The Resurrection

So. . . they can’t POSSIBLY screw up a movie twice, right? Obviously at this point, everyone is in on the joke so this will just be a full on spoof of the first one, right?

Well, some people are in on the bit, but not the ones in creative control. So yeah, it is roughly just as bad as the first one.

There is better camera equipment, which you can see in various scenes in the movie by the reflective surfaces and at the edges of several shots. However despite all the boom mics you see throughout the film, the audio has not improved.

So we are introduced to our lead. . . producer man, I don’t care about learning his name. He spends the 3-5 minutes of the opening credits walking to The Happy Ending bar and grill. There he meets his blonde romantic interest of the film who is an actress working as a waitress. She walks him through a completely empty restaurant, that somehow still has background noise of people having conversations. Then, stealing a scene(movie) from the first movie, the producer calls her a beautiful actress and says she should audition for his movie. Then, Rod and Natalie show up(AAAAHHHHH RUN FOR THE HILLS!) and then the producer says Natalie should also audition for his movie. And Rod offers to invest a million dollars. Guess the solar panel business is doing well.

Then we go through various scenes of the producer wining and dining his blonde love interest. Then they run into Rod and Natalie again. Natalie got stuck with a supporting role and clearly does not care for the new blonde. Anywho, while they are walking on a beach, a nearby swimmer is attacked by a Giant Jumbo Jellyfish. And it is the most ridiculous CGI you have EVER SEEN! And this is from the film franchise that has instagram filter birds! So they call for the stop motion ambulance to come pick up the swimmer and then go about their day.

And the jellyfish is never mentioned again.

So then they go to a museum of natural history with the boy from the first movie, who apparently Rod adopted, and spend a long time looking at Ancient Birds. The boy then talks about how the girl from the first movie died from the fish that Rod cooked. And that’s why she doesn’t make the same cameo appearance.

Then the producer takes his blonde back to the hotel and they start to make out in their underwear. Underneath a boom mic. With a crew member CLEARLY shown in the mirror watching them.

So the next day, everyone is on the film set when red rain falls down(cue Peter Gabriel) and it resurrects ZOMBIE ANCIENT BIRDS! And even cave people!

So the zombie birds attack the film set and everyone goes straight for the hangers! On top of that, they’ve included round house kicks and flailing punches to the arsenal of anti bird attacks. Then we cut to a slasher film set where a bunch of topless women are standing around in a locker room. Which really undercuts the producer’s earlier message of wanting to make a movie without just a bunch of boobs, blood, and pointless action scenes. You know, just like the first movie was all about the environment, but still had the main character driving a mustang and a van throughout the whole movie.

At one point, the screenwriter that is with them interrupts their conversation about the bird crisis they are facing to talk about how his favorite movie is Jaws and that these events are giving him an idea to write a script about birds attacking Hollywood. . . . Because priorities.

The group then goes all around hollywood trying to “save people” and failing miserably. They even come across a theater full of people that are being attacked by birds, and decide to just leave them all to die. They do try and stop and help zombies, who attack and kill one of their party, then try and stop and help Zombie Cavemen, which would have killed one of their party if not for Natalie going into berserker rage with a tripod!

Eventually they make it back to the hotel where the birds make their final attack while everyone is drinking A&W root beer. . .or Coke and Sprite, depends on which shot you go with. After the birds finally kill the screenwriter and prevent an in-universe birdemic film from being made, the birds decide to fly away. For no reason. The end.

If you thought Birdemic Shock and Terror was hilariously insane and you feel like watching it a second time, then Birdemic 2: The Resurrection is that film. It is like that episode of friends where joey intended to rent Die Hard and Die Hard 2, but ended up accidently renting die hard twice.

Tomorrow: This is it. The movie that inspired this whole event is coming up tomorrow!🍍🎃

Lumber VS Jack

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Lumber VS Jack

The sequel was better. Monsters in this are mostly leaves and vines that decapitate people.

This is the movie that starts the Jack series. Jack is apparently married to Jill, or he was as they keep having to correct to “my EX wife.” Jill suddenly disappeared, and Jack is called in to help find her. He left the company that genetically modified the trees because. . .

So he goes out and finds that the trees are apparently have been spliced with spider dna. That way the trees grow much faster because SCIENCE! Apparently this doesn’t allow the trees to naturally spread though. They irradiate the trees to correct that problem, which results in the trees getting murdery with their leaves and vines. Jack eventually ends up rescuing Jill and together they burn down the forest of evil mutant trees. However in the process their boss(or former boss in Jack’s case) is killed by the giant tree spider thing.

This movie is kind of a let down after watching Jack VS Lanterns. The absolute insanity of the pumpkins trying to take over the world, the giant pumpkin, the pumpkin bomb, the clones, the ninja assassins, and everything else just made it glorious to behold. This had its ridiculous moments, like the jeep that gets swallowed by the earth is just a stop motion model. But all in all, I want my crappy movies to be batshit insane rather than just low quality.

Tomorrow: This movie has a slight environmental message to it. Wonder if this next movie does. . .

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Alternate titles: Inner Monologue: The Movie. Dull Surprise: The Movie.

This movie was originally created in 1972, didn’t get a print made until 1977, and then did not get released until 2010. So somebody tried their best to bury this without going full on Atari ET, but somebody yanked this from the fire and released it on DVD.

This is why it is totally believable that people will hear a murderer in their house, and despite all the warnings, will walk right up to them. Or you know, not run away from a murderous bed.

So this movie starts with a minute or two of just hearing someone eat an apple. To set the mood. We are then introduced to the bed and a painting of the bed. The bed apparently is possessed by a demon. The painting of the bed is apparently possessed by one of the bed’s victims who he allowed to stay in the painting because he drew such a nice painting of the bed. I guess.

The painting generally talks about the bed and at time mocks it. So a young couple come to the house that the bed is near, so to prevent the couple from going in the house, the bed locks the doors. The couple then goes to the cellar that the bed is in and decide to have sex on the bed. The bed then eats the couple. Now, instead of doing something cool like sucking them into the bed in a geyser of blood, such as Johnny Depp’s death Nightmare on Elm street, or spouting teeth and chomping down, it apparently is a water bed and they just sink down and dissolve in yellow water and foam.

So the bed resents that he didn’t move into the city and ends up having a fantasy about being a bed in the big city. The Daily Bugle then takes a break between calling Spider-man a menace to comment on all the thousands of people who mysteriously go missing. The bed then goes on a temper tantrum and starts putting cracks in the house walls. The painting mocks him and points out he could just destroy the house altogether. One cut later and the house apparently no longer exists, the only part left being the detached cellar with the bed.

Because. . .?

Anywho, the next three idiots show up trying to find the missing house and decide to stay the night in the cellar. One of the girls, Sharon, apparently causes the bed great pain. The painting starts thinking about all the various victims in the past and we get a pretty hilarious sequence of people randomly being killed in the bed. Most of them just lying in bed reading or playing cards and then suddenly go “oh no, the bed is eating me. . .this sucks.” One set of gangsters actually decide to pull their guns and shoot into the mattress. Well, I say shoot, they just shake their guns, and their are gunshot sounds, but no trigger pulling or indication that the guns are doing anything.

The painting then remembers the victim that created the death bed. Apparently a demon lived in a tree(Death Tree?) then decided to become the breeze(. . .Death Breeze?), and because he found a woman he fancied he created a bed and then became human to seduce the young lass. Apparently her body was not ready and she died. The demon was sad and ended up crying bloody tears onto the bed and Death Bed was born!

Apparently the reason Sharon caused the bed pain was because her eyes looked similar to the woman the demon fell in love with. Having worked this out, the bed is now over it and can kill her now.

One of the girls decides to sleep while the other two girls search for the missing house. While she is changing into her nightgown, the bed makes bubbling moaning sounds. Then it eats her. Her friends spend about 2 minutes wondering where she went and then don’t care.

The bed then starts to eat Sharon’s other friend, but she manages to get off the bed and spends a solid 3 minutes dragging herself to the door, up the stairs and just before she gets outside, the bed whips out one of its bed curtains, grabs her and drags her back into bed. Sharon arrives just in time to get blood on her hands and show no emotion over her friend dying.

Sharon’s brother(literally his name in the credits) shows up, tries to stan the bed, and gets his hands dissolved to the bone. Again, he shows no emotion to losing his hands.

And then, the ending. . . buckle up.

The demon who lives in the tree apparently falls asleep and the bed loses its powers. The painting is now able to talk to Sharon, and he tells Sharon how to perform a ritual to destroy the bed. The painting lied to Sharon and the ritual teleports the bed outside and sacrifices Sharon to summon the demons woman back to life. She then has sex with Sharon’s handless brother and the bed suddenly catches on fire(🎶This Bed is On Fire, with Passionate Love🎶) and the movie comes to an end.

This movie spends a lot of time with inner monologues explaining everything, but because everyone is so dull and monotonous, you probably lose track of what is going on, and everything is so stupidly complex. There are a bunch of hilarious scenes but a youtube clip show will give you most of them. Sadly there is no overacting to save this film.

Tomorrow: Sadly, this movie denied us Death Tree, but by damn we will HAVE OUR MURDEROUS PLANTS!

The Dungeonmaster

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: The Dungeonmaster Or RageWar: The Challenges of Excalibrate!

So yeah, this movie is very absent of dungeons, masters, and even RageWars. It’s PG-13 rating is even a lie considering we get full frontal nudity before we even get the title card!

It follows IT Specialist Paul who apparently has the first prototype of Google Glass, which allows him to instantly discover any computer problems, control traffic lights, and hack ATM’s, but can it tell him why kids love cinnamon toast crunch? Probably, seeing as it also creates charts showing that his relationship with his girlfriend, Gwen, will succeed.

After discussing this with his computer, he does one of the most clumsy proposals ever. Their relationship would probably fall apart if not for the interference of the Devil!

Yeah, Paul wakes up from a weird dream to find his girlfriend has been magically abducted. Just before he is magically abducted. The devil then calls him a worthy opponent and sets a list of challenges before him. The devil then gives Paul the power gauntlet(It’s So Bad) which apparently has god mode turned on before transporting Paul to various levels. Depending on what copy you are watching, the sequence of the trials are a little different. Each challenge is written and directed by different directors and writers. Pretty much all of them introduce a simple enemy, and paul defeats them with his laser gauntlet. Paul first is transported to a frozen room full of criminals and murderers(and Albert Einstein, so somebody is holding him accountable for the manhattan project). He is then transported to the realm of the dead, where we get the line “I reject your reality and substitute my own!” (What? No, Mythbusters. What the hell is Dungeonmaster?) The Devil then summons Paul back, so they can talk. You know, just about stuff. Paul gets pissy so the devil gets pissy and tries to have a rock off. Paul cheats by using his ipod, so the Devil casts him into a satanic version of Guitar Hero. So Guitar Hero 2. Paul again uses his gauntlet to blow up the band members, before then being sent to a weird hillside where his POWER GUANTLET IS STOLEN! Before the thieves just set it down, and Paul recovers it in time to defeat a giant stone monkey.

Paul then uses his guantlet to kill Torok the troll, who was actually an angel in disguise. He then gets transported into a level where a serial killer is going to get Gwen and he is arrested and accused of murder. He escapes, then stops the serial killer from killing Gwen. Paul and Gwen are then teleported to Mad Max world and they have to defeat master blaster. Gwen finally gets to shoot something this time. Now it is the final showdown between The Devil and Paul. Hand to hand combat! Paul kicks his ass and throwsthe Devil into a volcano, however just before Paul falls in himself, the power gauntlet extends a bar of light to him so he can pull himself to safety and everyone goes home safely. And now Gwen wants to marry him.

Yeah, this movie is a repetitive mess and all the challenges are made boring because Paul essentially just types code into his gauntlet and then boom, everything is okay. Rinse and repeat 7 times. Although it is stupid, I think it’s a movie every nerd/geek should see at least once.

Tomorrow: I dunno, insert some pun about eating in bed here.

Troll

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Troll

So I went into this expecting a stupid horror movie that wouldn’t be AS bad as Troll 2 but still bad. Sadly I was disappointed.

This movie turned out to be pretty decent. It’s not really a horror movie, but more of a fantasy film in the same genre as Labyrinth and Neverending Story. Obviously without the same level of effects, but still not terrible.

Harry Potter and his family move into their new apartment and one the first day his daughter gets kidnapped by a troll in the Dungeon- er I mean Laundry room. The troll then uses his magic ring to transform into the little girl and proceed to act very strangely.

We then meet the other apartment dwellers after the troll sets off the fire alarm during one of his fits. We meet Sonny Bono, Cannon Fodder, Ellen from Seinfeld, her spongeworthy of the movie, and the witch that lives upstairs.

The little girl starts going from apartment to apartment, turning the residents into fairies and slowly turning the apartments into pocket fairy dimensions. Keep in mind that when I say fairies, I mean fairy folk which include all manner of fantasy creatures, including trolls.

While this is going on, Harry Potter, Jr., played by Atreyu from Neverending story, is drawn to the Witch who lives upstairs because he is the only one who realizes something is SERIOUSLY wrong with his sister. The Witch bonds with Harry Potter Jr and tells him that the apartment building is slowly being turned into a fairyland by her ex-boyfriend Torok. Torok started a war between fairies and humans and after the humans won, he was forever turned into a troll. She then gives him a spear, forgetting to also give him the golden helmet, and tells him to wait for something giant to show up.

She then decides to go young-face and take another spear to fight Torok. She ends up losing and gets turned into a tree stump. Harry Potter, Jr finds his sister, but gets the spear taken by Torok because he set it down while helping his sister wake up. The giant monster that is the center of Torok’s fairy world then tries to kill Harry Potter Jr and his sister. Because Torok needed the little girl alive he ends up using the golden spear to kill the giant monster and destroying all his plans.

The Harry Potter family decide to leave the apartment and when one of the responding officers decides to investigate, he ends up getting kidnapped by the troll.

One thing that kept getting me in this movie was that a weird thing would happen, I would see it as something to mock, then it would end up making sense. One example is the fact that the witch looks like an old woman, but when she decides to go after torok herself, she changes to look significantly younger. For seeming no reason. But then thinking about it, of course if she was just waiting around for Torok to make his move, she would not want to look young and ravishing, because that would invite too much attention, whereas everyone tends to avoid the old lady.

Honestly, I think this is a pretty good movie all things considered. You just have to forgive some silly effects and not compare it to the much higher budgeted movies that I compared it to that were made around the same time.

Tomorrow: A poster that appears in this movie gave me the idea for the next movie. Perhaps you’d know it under the title Ragewar: The Challenges of Excalibrate? (Dude, I don’t know what to tell you, I’ve never heard of this movie!)

Cannibal! The Musical

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Cannibal! The Musical

So this earns its spot for budgetary reasons along with the silly subject matter.

This film was Created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone while they were still in college. It started as a 3 minute mock trailer before they were pressured into making it a full film by everyone who watched it.

Although it is clearly low budget, the writing and dialogue that would later make South Park one of the most popular shows on cable is clearly present.

It is loosely based on the true story of Alfred Packer who ended up resorting to cannibalism when he and his party were trapped in the Rocky Mountains while traveling from Utah to Colorado.

It is told in flashback as Packer is telling his story to a reporter while he stands trial for the murder and cannibalization of his fellow travelers.

Packer is a miner who gets roped into leading a group of other miners from Utah to Colorado to stake a claim for gold, because he apparently worked in Colorado at one time and they think he might know how to get back there.

Packer woefully underestimates the time it will take to travel there and despite the warnings given to him by a group of asians pretending to be indians(yeah. . . cultural sensitivity needs to take a back seat on this one), he leads them into the mountains during winter to try and find his lost horse.

Oh right, Packer loves his horse. He has about two love songs about his horse. One morning his horse disappears and is believed to have been stolen by trappers.

While they are lost in the mountains, they run into an ex confederate soldier with an empty eye socket that spews puss, routinely get into arguments about food and directions, and one of them sings a happy song about building a snowman, long before Disney got their shot.

After he tries to sing the snowman song a second time, one of the other travelers(Bell) shoots him dead. Probably because somebody bought his child a recorder and the frozen song book. The party then decides to eat the dead guy in order to survive.

Packer then has a dream where he is in a dance off with one of the trappers that stole his horse. Complete with leotards and a cheap black curtain in the background.

Packer wakes up and decides to scout ahead. When he comes back, Bell has killed the rest of the party and is getting wood together so they can have enough meat to survive til summer. When Bell starts getting paranoid about Packer, Packer stabs him in the face with a meat cleaver. When Bell jumps up again, Packer shoots him with a gun. When Bell jumps up again, Packer stabs him in the eye with a stick. When Bell jumps up again, Packer throws various items at him before stabbing him in the chest with a pick axe.

Packer then survives on the corpses of his traveling companions until he finally makes it out of the Rocky mountains. He lies and says he and his party got separated until the local sheriff goes out with a search party to discover that everyone else was dead and eaten.

Packer is tried and sentenced to hang. At the last minute the governor pardons him because colorado was not a state at the time and Packers actions fall under the jurisdiction of the asian indians. The trapper tries to hang him anyway, but the indian chief arrives and uses his katana to cut the rope and then cuts off the trappers head. The reporter and Packer start to talk about living happily ever after when Bell jumps up again and the credits roll.

All in all, a good movie. Which is not what we’re going for on this list.

Tomorrow: With all this talk of eating people, now would be a great time to watch Troll 2, but I already used that one. However. . .

Reefer Madness The Movie Musical

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical

I’m cheating on this one. I had absolutely no doubt that I would enjoy this movie and the production values and cast are all on the up and up. It has Alan Cumming in it. Quality guaranteed.

Yes, there is stilted acting in this, but it is intentional. The main reason I can justify this being on the list is the ridiculous subject matter.

For those of you who are unaware, Reefer Madness was a 1938 film designed to scare people away from marijuana use by making it seem like one use will drive young men to insanity and turn young women into coked out prostitutes.

They attribute hyperactivity, mania, and violent mood swings to marijuana, which is more applicable to just about any other drug EXCEPT marijuana.

So the basic story is Alan Cumming is trying to warn about the dangers of marijuana by showing the story of Jimmy Harper. Jimmy Harper starts out as the gosh golly pride of his high school. He and Kristin Bell are gushing about Romeo AND Juliet, and how they hope Romeo and Juliet get married and have babies at the end (they never actually manage to finish the play).

Jimmy gets tricked into smoking “the stuff” and immediately spirals into a life of debauchery. Most of it just sitting next to John Kassir scream laughing while smoking multiple joints at once(okay I guess they get it part right).

Eventually Jimmy kills a guy while driving high and is about to go on the lamb, when he discovers pot brownies and goes right back to the pot house. Kristin Bell follows him to the Pot house, takes one hit of “the stuff” and become a BDSM dominatrix. Jimmy sees Kristin Bell having sex with John Kassir and starts beating up John Kassir. Kristin Bell snaps out of her whatever just in time to get accidentally shot to death while Jimmy is knocked unconscious struggling with the drug dealer for the gun.

Jimmy is woken up and convinced he pulled the trigger, and is arrested and sentenced to death for murder.

John Kassir goes crazy and gets the munchies so bad he kills one of the girls at the pot house and starts eating her arm and cuts off her head. He is later impaled on a pole.

After the last remaining woman at the pot house murders the drug dealer, she tracks down Franklin D. Roosevelt while covered in blood and convinces him to pardon Jimmy. Jimmy then decides to spend his days convincing everyone drugs are bad m’kay!

This movie is honestly fantastic in its absurdity and I recommend everyone go watch it right now. Available on Amazon Prime!

Tomorrow: Speaking of Musicals about Cannibals. . .

Orgy of the Dead

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Orgy of the Dead

. . . Yeah, it’s porn.

Admittedly the title is misleading in that it is not an actual orgy. It is more of a burlesque or strip club of the dead because there is no sex.

The basic story, for lack of a better word, is about writer is taking his girlfriend to a cemetery so he can get inspiration for his writing. He ends up driving off a cliff. I think. The couple wakes up and discovers they are at a cemetery. The . . .Lord of the Dead? Is entertaining himself by having the dancers dance for him, and if they displease him, they will be banished to damnation. They watch from the bushes for a while, until the wolfman and mummy catch them and tie them up for sacrifice or something.

We see various dances from different cultures and styles, all with the most cultural insensitivity possible. Until we get to the bride who killed her husband on their wedding night. Then we get the most HILARIOUS “white people” dancing. It is just all the stupidest 60’s dances. We also get a cat dance which is a halloween cat costume with the chest and butt area cut out. Which is weird.

Just as the Ghoul Lady(the woman who acts as the Lord of the Dead’s assistant) is about to kill the writer’s girlfriend the mid day sun suddenly comes up and all the monsters turn to skeletons. And then the couple wake up back at the crash site, suggesting it was all a dream they shared.

Yeah, the plot is stupid(one reviewer pointed out it is essentially the same plot as Cats). The acting is GOD AWFUL. Outside of watching the Amazing Criswell again, there’s not a lot to get out of this movie.

Tomorrow: We’ll be watching a classic movie of fearmongering, Reefer Madnes!

Hang on, the paper is folded over. . .(unfolds the other half of the paper)

REEFER MADNESS, THE- WHAT?!?

3 Wicked Witches

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: 3 Wicked Witches

Well, 2 wicked witches and one accessory witch.

This is what you get when you mix a trashy romance novel with a goosebumps book and film it over the weekend.

A woman finds out that her daughter who died a year ago from an “accident” during a hazing prank gone wrong, actually died from running away from a bunch of frat guys looking to rape her. Apparently somebody recorded the whole thing and decided to post it a year after the fact. Mind you, we never see the video, we just hear the audio of several actors speaking lines, in which clearly none of them are in the same room at the time.

She brings this evidence to her college friends she used to do witchcraft with and they decide to summon a revenge demon, implant it in a clown doll, and have him kill the frat boys.

The clown doll goes on his murder quest and the witches watch his progress by using their pool as a viewing window. Which pretty much just looks like it is being projected from the roof.

So apparently the demon clown, like the witches, is a horny bastard because he spends about 10-15 minutes watching all the frat boys work out, swim, shower, and sleep before stabbing them in the dick and killing them. By the way, these frat guys do all of this in the same pair of tight white boxer briefs. I’m really starting to wonder if this movie is just a long advertisement for this particular pair of male underwear.

So while the clown doll is killing the frat boys, the witches all get intense feelings from the killings. Two of the witches get orgasms, and the other (goodish witch) gets a sick painful feeling. The main witch goes inside and finds the goodish witch’s son and finds out he is a virgin. So she intends to sacrifice him (after acting like she wants to deflower him). She strips him down to his boxers, to find out HE IS ALSO ONE OF THE TIGHTY WHITEY FRAT BOYS! (WHAT A TWIST!)

Nah, just kidding, just the same boxer briefs again.

Anywho, the goodish witch discovers the attempted sacrifice, the witch whose daughter died offers herself as sacrifice instead, and then the clown doll kills the head witch. Then when all things are said and done, the clown doll pops up for one final kill before the credits roll.

The effects are laughably basic. There is only one instance of blood and that is the final frat kill. Hell, you can see the tiny fake knife that the clown uses bend as it hits the skin. And this isn’t Chucky who has a full sized kitchen knife, this is a tiny doll knife the clown is using.

If you want to watch an extended male underwear ad, go for it, but otherwise skip it.

In fact, any movies by Rapid Heart Productions should best be avoided.

Tomorrow: I think it’s about time to see another Ed Wood movie on this list. This one I hear is one of the worst of his films, if not the worst.

Jack VS Lanterns

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Jack VS Lanterns

Wow. There is a LOT to unpack here.

For starters, this is a sequel to a 2014 film called Lumber VS Jack. And apparently it is somewhat important to see that movie first. Apparently in that movie, Jack combats mutant trees. This time it is mutant pumpkins.

So the movie starts with a guy using a hoe(the garden tool) on a genetically modified pumpkin patch and accidentally cuts his toes off. He ends up dripping blood on the pumpkins and then one latches onto his head, turning him into a guy with a pumpkin mask on. He then tries to put the pumpkin on a scarecrow. Doesn’t work. He later finds the only black guy in the entire movie and puts the pumpkin on him.

Meanwhile, the golddigger wife of the owner of the evil corporation from the first movies finds out that because her husband hated her in the end, she was written out of his will. Fortunately, this can be solved by pretending he didn’t die in the last film and they simply clone him so he can write a new will, appear in public to dispel the “he died” rumors, and publicly murder him again.

Following along so far?

People are slowly getting attacked by and turned into pumpkin monsters, but it is happening so sporadically that no one believes it is happening and still continue to attend the town’s pumpkin festival.

At the pumpkin festival, the golddigger wife parades around the clone(who has the mind of 13 year old) and hires a guy to kill the clone in a mass shooting. Jack happens to be at the festival when the guy with an assault rifle(again, get off me!) and wearing a Ninja outfit, opens fire. Jack uses a throwing axe that, using the most advanced forms of free editing software, flies across the screen and kills the would-be assassin.

So the golddigger decides to axe the clone herself and plant Cloned hair samples of Jack’s hair at the “scene” to frame him for murder. So the sheriff places Jack under house arrest with an ankle bracelet that apparently repeatedly shocks him if he ventures away from the premesis.

Well, mutant pumpkin people start attacking en masse so he braves the electric shocks and starts Smashing Pumpkins. With an axe.

It gets to the point where Jack, his sister Jill, and 2 random women that are connected to him somehow are battling a Giant Mutant Pumpkin Person who can shoot lasers from his hands while simultaneously trying to disarm a bomb that will turn everyone in the world into mutant pumpkins.

YEAH. THAT HAPPENED.

So they manage to rig the bomb to disperse the special herbicide that specifically targets mutant pumpkins, turning everyone that were only orange faced back to normal, but due to the ones with pumpkins on their heads are dead because reasons. Except for the one black guy, because joke about him being brainless. Yeah. . .

Anywho, so this movie is riDICULOUSLY low budget. It pretty much banks on us laughing at the cheapness and absurdity of everything. Honestly though, this time it works. It is just over the top enough that it kind of works for it. However, I think it leans into it a little too much for it to go anywhere.

Tomorrow: So we’ve had zombies, mutant pumpkins, Werewolves(Vampires), Trolls(goblins), Vampires(Psychosis), and aliens on this list so far, but I think it’s time to introduce a few Wicked Witches.