THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: The Terror of Tiny Town

I. . . I really gotta vet these movies a little more before adding them to the list.

Terror of Tiny Town is a western. It mainly revolves around a cattle rustler trying to turn two ranchers against each other by making them each think the other rancher is stealing the cattle. The Hero(that is what he is credited as) discovers his plot and eventually gets into a fist fight with the Villain before leaving him to die in a house that has lit dynamite in it.

That’s all there really is to it.

Oh, right, and it is performed by an all little person cast.

Yeah, they all ride shetland ponies and routinely have gags revolving around little people interacting with normal sized fixtures. Which is honestly weird. This is a town, presumably, made by and for little people, so why would they have buildings and fixtures that are designed for taller people. One joke is routinely showing a little person walking UNDER the batwing saloon doors. Get it? Because they’re SHORT!

Also, I’m not 100%, but I’m pretty sure that they messed with the audio so that all the voices sound higher pitched. I might have gotten too used to Peter Dinklage, but I just don’t think the average little person sounds like they are sucking helium.

The biggest problem with this movie is that it is BORING! The short jokes are what this movie is banking on and they aren’t that funny, just eye rolling.

Tomorrow: Okay, enough is enough. We have spent far too much time on movies with budgets, plots, and absolutely nothing to do with Halloween or Horror. We need a return to form! (Checks Amazon Prime recommendations)

Oh. . . This will do. . .

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Private House of the SS or SS Girls

So. . . I might have misjudged this movie a little bit. I first heard of this film while watching the Spoony Experiment’s review of Strike Commando. He mentions Private House of the SS as one of Bruno Mettai’s earliest and better work. The movie clips he showed had a very gothic appearance and just absurd dialogue. So when I started coming up with a list of movies for this seemed like a fantastic fit. I found it on YouTube and figured that this would be just a weird entry.

Weird entry is right, but this doesn’t really have the gothic horror themes I originally assumed. There is a creepy scene in the middle of the film that seems like we’re entering horror mode, but it is just a one off and the movie continues as normal.

So yeah, the movie is about a Nazi officer who is tasked with sniffing out traitors and executing them. So he decides to open a brothel that caters exclusively to high ranking Nazi officers. He then uses the women to discover who is plotting against Hitler and executes them. Then a Nazi Officer who started using brutal and bloody tactics against innocent civilians in some battle of the war is to be put down. So they set up a spooky scenario and he ends up being killed by one of his own soldiers. After one of the women is slighted by the Officer running the brothel, she tells Nazi high command that he is boasting about being the new Furor. So they tell him they are shutting him down and he has to kill himself. Then Hitler dies and everyone kills themselves.

Oh and there are a whole ton of really odd sex scenes scattered throughout.

Worst part is none of the sex scenes are really skippable. I mean they are, but in attempting to do so you will likely miss some of the more hilarious and odd moments.

My advice is if you want to watch a really odd film, check this out, but I would say lock the door and have a safe window available to click away to. Because if someone walks in on you watching this, there is absolutely NO WAY to quickly explain away why you have what appear to be Nazi Porn on your screen. You just have to tip the Dominos driver extra and never order from that store again.

I swear I’m slowly getting myself placed on a list somewhere. . .

Tomorrow: Well, I think I diverted a little in this Halloween/Horror movies list. I should be safe with this next one though. It has Terror right in the title!

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Dark Dungeons

So, little backstory on this one. This movie is an adaptation of Jack Chick’s comic of the same name. Jack Chick is famous for publishing evangelical comics called Chick Tracts which preach against the evils of Islam, Catholicism, and D&D.

This movie takes place in a world where RPG players are the most popular kids in school and their magic spells actually work. Takes geek fantasy to a whole new level.

This movie is actually well done. The ridiculousness actually revolves around the subject matter. It is actually a faithful adaptation of the source material, which due to the insanity of the source material, makes it ridiculous. Hell, the rpg players get tricked into summoning Cthulhu. Then, after the main character’s friend commits suicide because her character died, so she prays to Jesus and God ends up casting out Cthulhu and blowing up the evil castle of evil with a lightning bolt. Then they burn a bunch of books.

I honestly recommend this one because it is really well done and fun watch.

Tomorrow: Well, I’ve run out of movies that subtly tie into each other, let’s draw from the hat again. . .

(Shuffling paper)

And we got. . . Private House of the SS.

Oh shi-

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Vampire’s Kiss

This movie is weird.

I was really hoping to just start posting, “Nicholas Cage, you so cRaZy!” But it goes back and forth between Nicholas Cage being hilariously insane and his insanity not being funny.

Nicholas Cage spends the whole movie in full on insanity mode, while at the same time acting like Ross from Friends, 6 years before the show premiered. So. . . That means David Shcwimmer ripped off Vampire’s kiss?

Nicholas Cage plays a literary agent who is a typical new york playboy and he brings home a woman who supposedly is a vampire and she bites him. He slowly starts to lose his mind. He yells at his assistant for not finding a misfiled contract and even goes so far as chasing her into the women’s restroom.

He keeps going to a psychiatrist throughout the movie and she apparently does not realize he is going insane.

As he loses his grip on reality more and more, he is no longer able to see himself in the mirror and believes sunlight is burning him. We clearly see him in the mirror though. He then rapes his assistant and after shooting himself in the mouth with a gun loaded with blanks(don’t do that kids, you WILL burn the inside of your mouth) he starts running down the street screaming, “I’M A VAMPIRE.” He then buys a pair of cheap vampire fangs, goes to a nightclub and ends up killing a woman by biting her on the neck. He then starts wandering around New York, covered in blood, trying to convince someone to stake him in the chest with a broken plank of wood.

Then he slips into a hallucination where he is cleaned up but still carrying a plank of wood and is telling off his psychiatrist. His mental psychiatrist then hooks him up with another patient, and when he confesses to the rape and murder, she waves it off as no big deal. He then escorts his new imaginary girlfriend to his home, where he then flips out on her and calls her a bitch because she is still hung up on this vampire thing. Then the brother of the woman he raped shows up and helps Nicholas Cage stab himself in the chest with the plank of wood.

So yeah, there was no vampire in the film, just a man slowly slipping into madness. This movie sort of depends on the madness of Nicholas Cage to carry it along, but because it doesn’t really explain anything and just sort of jumps from scene to scene, it just becomes weird and confusing. It is nice to see where a lot of the memes come from, such as the “ya don’t say” face, but because the movie ends leaving you with a sort of sick feeling, it is difficult to just write it off as wacky.

Tomorrow: Since we have a movie where one person loses grip with reality, lets go with a movie where the writers, directors, characters, and original content creator have all lost grip with Reality.

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Howling 2: Stirba Werewolf Bitch OR Your Sister is a Werewolf!

Yeah, the title I watched it under was Your Sister is a Werewolf, but apparently the UK title was Stirba Werewolf Bitch, so I went with the Rocky and Bullwinkle joke.

When I kept seeing this movie pop up on “Worst horror movies” lists, I wrote it off as just being a poor movie, but didn’t think it would fit with Plan 9 and Nudist Colony of the Dead. Then I found out Reb Brown was in it.

Reb Brown is the action movie star you get when your budget is whatever you can panhandle that week. I recommend watching The Spoony Experiment to see his films through the protective lens of a review. Watching his films unprotected leads to madness.

Fortunately, our protection is Christopher Lee. He is the only thing holding this film together. He acts as the Van Helsing of this movie. Which is odd considering he played Dracula in the past. He tells everyone about the werewolves and how Titanium actually works better than silver. Which is sound advice outside of Supernatural situations.

So yeah, this film opens with Christopher Lee IN SPACE reading a creepy verse from the bible(or a bible, not necessarily the holy one) and then a Skeleton slowly creeps up behind him. Not an animated skeleton, just a laboratory skeleton. For no reason.

Christopher Lee tells Reb Brown that his sister(the main character of Howling 1 who turned into a werewolf before getting killed) is a werewolf. Reb Brown calls bullshit and stops Christopher Lee from stabbing her in the heart with a titanium rod(because Werewolves are Vampires in this movie). Reb Brown screams about how he won’t let Christopher Lee harm his sister, just before his sister turns into a werewolf and Reb Brown IMMEDIATELY shoots her in the Head.

After Reb Brown fights off several more werewolves, they learn they must kill the Stirba, who lives in Transylvania(Because Werewolves are Vampires in this movie).

They go to Transylvania where Christopher Lee’s sister, the Stirba, sucks the life force out of a woman to become young and beautiful again, before stripping off her clothes and joining in a werewolf threesome. And yes it is weird. They go half wolf so they are all hairy. Which would be a great time for a Dollar Shave Club ad.

Naturally Reb Brown’s love interest gets captured and Christopher Lee and Reb Brown murder a ton of werewolves to go rescue her and kill the Stirba. The Stirba has gone full lady gaga at this point and uses the bat on her staff to kill the Priest trying to kill her(BECAUSE WEREWOLVES ARE VAMPIRES IN THIS MOVIE).

Reb Brown saves the girl, Christopher Lee sacrifices himself to kill his sister, and they all live happily ever after. OR DO THEY?

A kid with too good of werewolf costume shows up at their door on halloween, and the weird priest across the hall claims he has no children. So. . . mystery?

The ending credits use the only song used constantly throughout the film in a music video of various clips throughout the movie, and specifically uses the clip where the Stirba shows her boobs about 17 times(according to Jon Tron).

I think this was a fun movie, and definitely recommend you check it out.

Tomorrow: Since we covered bad Werewolves, I think it is time to cover real Vampires! . . .maybe, could go either way.

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Birdemic: Shock and Terror

So yesterday’s movie was about the evils of Veganism, tonights movie is about the evils of Global Warming.

I’m pretty sure Captain Planet would tell this movie to calm the hell down with its preachiness. Or I dunno, maybe he’d be cool with it, after losing his mind and turning everyone into trees that one time.

This movie was BAD. I can’t even recommend it. Honestly, the first 40 minutes is basically elevator music and almost half of it is establishing shots. So after mentioning how terrible everything is going because of news reports about global warming and birds dying randomly, we get to the 40 minute mark, have more establishing shots of locations where nothing is happening, we suddenly cut to SAN FRANCISCO UNDER SIEGE! WELCOME TO HELL!

Fake CGI birds are just hovering(randomly flapping every so often) and occassionally DIVE BOMBING AND EXPLODING! With plane sounds!

So the protagonists end up defending themselves with coat hangers until they get to their car and break out the handguns and assault rifles!(Get off my ass, they have a plug-in hybrid Mustang in this movie, so I’m calling it an assault rifle)

Speaking of the “plug in hybrid Mustang” this movie spends a LOT of time driving around in a Mustang or an old minivan. And despite the movie handwaving the Mustang as a plug in hybrid, that doesn’t exist in the real world. Or at least didn’t in 2008. So this movie is REAL PREACHY about global warming, but wastes ALL THAT GAS DRIVING AROUND!

So once the birds start attacking, the protagonists drive around, randomly stopping to help people(which results in them losing half their party when they fail to save people, then getting robbed of their gas) and also randomly meeting an environmentalist and an ornithologist. Then when things seem their worst and the eagles are about to take them, some Doves show up and convince the eagles to leave them alone and fly away.

As I said, I don’t recommend this movie. Maybe RiffTrax might improve the absolutely dead air, but I doubt it. If you want to ignore the warnings, it is on Amazon Prime.

Tomorrow: Well, after birds, we ought to give Cats a chance.

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Troll 2

Creedence Leonore Gielgud is my favorite!

This movie is just absolutely gold! This is basically an Are You Afraid of the Dark episode dialed to 11. Only without the budget and actors before they “made it.”

So Troll 2 is about Goblins (which should already throw up some flags) who are vegetarians. Which would make you think that we would be safe by default, but nope. Rather than eat all the regular fruits and veggies in their farming town, they decide to turn humans into plants to eat them. That’s like chopping up Kale into powder and mixing it into chocolate cake mix to add veggies to your “diet.”

This movie is a warning about what will happen if we let Vegans take over!

So yeah, the Goblins turn people into plants by making them eat green food that the Goblins made. At one point when the main character’s family is about to chow down on green food, his dead grandpa stops time to think of a way to stop them from eating it. So after much thought, he decides to piss on all the green food.

Yep.

Then his dad takes him to his room, throws him on the bed and starts unbuckling his belt. . .

“What are you going to do to me?!?”

“I’M TIGHTENING MY BELT ONE NOTCH TO STOP MY HUNGER PAINS! AND YOUR SISTER AND MOTHER WILL HAVE TO DO THE SAME!”

Kid, you got lucky. In the real world, that belt would be whipping your backside. And that was best case scenario.

My honest first thought was he was going to make the punishment fit the crime.

So yeah, as the Goblins start eatting the cannon fodder of the sister’s boyfriend’s friends, the family finally start believing that something is wrong with this town. And ultimately the day is saved by a double decker bologna sandwich. Because goblins apparently can’t the meat toxins. So like Invader Zim, they can’t handle meat.

God, everyone needs to see this movie! Available on Amazon Prime

Tomorrow: What happens when you mix Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds with Instagram Filters? The answer will Shock and Terrify you.

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Silent Night, Deadly Night: Part 2

Holy crap, I enjoyed the hell out of this movie.

When I picked this movie, I figured I would later go back and watch the first film later in the month. TURNS OUT I DON’T HAVE TO! Because they spend the first half of the movie recapping the events of the first!

So apparently seeing santa murder your parents grants you super strength because the Chapman(Caldwell?) boys are both able to hold a full grown adult male in the air with one hand until they die. Ricky gets the extra credit points on this one seeing as he does it to a fat mafioso hitman, and while holding him up, impales him with an Umbrella Umbrella(Available from ThinkGeek).

So Billy grows up with a fear of Santa Claus(which makes perfect sense why he gets a job as a department store Santa) and then snaps when he sees a girl being raped. So he kills the attempted rapist, and then when the girl he rescues calls him a psycho, he shrugs it off and decides to just kill everybody. Whether they deserve it or not.

Ricky on the other hand gets a fear of Santa AND nuns! He also ends up killing people after seeing a halfway attempted rape. The rapist just gives up the rape after she calls him an asshole and he walks away. So Ricky runs him over with the assholes jeep. Multiple times. Then the girl he . . . saved I guess, thanks him. So he uses his powers for justice, killing rapists, mafiosos, creepy ex boyfriends, and guys who talk in the theater. Until he defends his girlfriends honor by killing her ex, and she calls him a psycho. So he kills her, kills the cop who tries to arrest him, the guy across the street, the guy putting out the trash(GARBAGE DAY!), an oncoming car, his psychiatrist, and finally the Mother Superior from the orphanage he grew up in.

Eric Freeman makes this movie. If a better actor was in this role, it would be a useless. But Eric Freeman’s shitty acting makes the silly scenes AMAZING!

Sadly this movie is not currently streaming(save for a shitty slightly sped up version on youtube) so you will probably have to pay to see it someway.

Tomorrow: While we’re on the subject of sequels. . .

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Nudist Colony of the Dead

Yeah, we’re going all in with this thing.

I’ve been aware that this movie exists for many years. Because of one video that a friend sent me online. The song “Inky Dinky Doodah Morning.” It’s just mind boggling.

That’s right, this movie is a Musical. The music is kind of catchy. This movie is intentional comedy, but that doesn’t stop it from being bad.

A nudist colony gets ousted by a church, so the nudists commit suicide and curse the land they are on so that anytime a religious function is held on their land, they will rise again and kill everyone.

The group that is going there for this film is at least the third group to go out there. And yes, by the end a fourth group is on their way out.

The nudity is surprisingly low(outside of all the naked people). There are no sex scenes or anything like a typical camp slasher film, just a lot of wordplay.

One funny thing, the movie starts with an apology for the poor lighting and cinematography, but then the credits include the lighting director to be Ray Charles, the director of photography being Stevie Wonder, and gives special commendation to the Cameraman’s Seeing Eye Dog.

I recommend checking this movie out, if only to spread the insanity to others. It is available on Amazon Prime.

Tomorrow: Well, considering some Christmas songs and decorations are already creeping in, might as well get a Christmas movie on this list. Come to think of it, tomorrow is Garbage day.

THE WORST HALLOWEEN movies EVER!

Tonight: Plan 9 From Outer Space

I think I should have saved Manos for later. Cause it is making me appreciate this movie way too much.

How I met your mother had a scene where Ted and Elliot from Scrubs over which is a Worse movie, Manos or Plan 9. Manos is worse, Hands Down.

Yes, pun intended.

After the full length of nothing that was Manos, Plan 9 is a breath of fresh air. There is an actual plot hidden in all the rambling inane dialogue. It’s a silly and stupid plot, but it is certainly more than Manos.

I was familiar with Plan 9 by reputation and from the movie Ed Wood. You can’t take a video production class and NOT learn about Plan 9 as a how to on not to make movies.

People love to bash this movie as being terrible and low quality, and they are not wrong, but honestly, if this movie was made 10 or 20 years earlier, it would be right at home with the other sci fi movies that are now considered classics. It would be seen as just a cheap and cheesy for its time, which is what Ed Wood was inspired by.

I definitely recommend it for people who like to laugh at bad movies, and again I recommend seeing it with RiffTrax or friends or group setting such as an Alamo Drafthouse showing.

Tomorrow: I’m not sure, let me draw from the bucket (shuffles paper) and the winner is. . .

. . .Nudist Colony of the Dead. What the f-